Every once in a while, I tweet something that stands on its own. Sometimes it's poetic, sometimes silly and sometimes just a little observation that has a kernel of wisdom in it. Here are some of those tweets...I can pull this trigger 128 more times before this battery dies!
oh cruel spring - how you tease me, entice me, but leave me cold
worst ad placement ever: Ronnie Milsap gospel album in the middle of something called "Robot Chicken" on Cartoon Network
William Henry Harrison will not let me be. (Also, separately, William Henry Harrison will not let me be me.)
Done! Apartment finally clean! ...wait for it...wait for it...ok, it's dirty again.
FYI "on the street" does NOT mean the same thing as "on the road"
CHAOS...CAHOS...OAHDS...OEDRS...OREDR...GTYHFXPQZ...oh well...
A picture is worth a thousand words. EXACTLY a thousand - no more, no less.
madness... mmm cornbread... madness...
I see ghost ninja / secret powers can't kill me / unless has gluten
Ah, William Henry Harrison, I've missed you.
Geographically: Eastern Time. Biologically: Pacific Time. Mentally: Hawaiian Time.
traf***
Kapow! How ya like me now? Diggin' up rhymes like I was pullin' a plow!
plastic grocery bag = urban tumbleweed
I thought rain was supposed to melt zombies? No, damn, that's witches.
The Magic 8 Ball never lies. Sometimes we just don't understand how it has interpreted the question.
duh = no duh
pepper is the new salt
what part of the pork is a chop? do people have chops?
new favorite word: "nerfzooka"
My God / How is it I remember / His hat, too big, flopped across my head / Watching zebras in the rain
my side of the street is not getting any taco love
feel like I've slipped out of the time stream and into a narrative prose
silver is kinda like gray, but shiny
you don't realize how many things you do with your thumb until you get a big cut on your thumb
you don't realize how many things you do with your thumb until you cut off your thumb
music is what numbers feel like
when did we start looking for opportunities to queue?
my best email response today: "I would like to be moved to the CC line of this conversation"
Bagpipes make any song badass
The teeth of the demon monkey skull, I say.
Please, someone, use this word in a rap song: "superluminous"
Those new super-high-speed hand driers don't work any faster than the old ones. They're just noisier.
They should have "Diet Pepsi Throwback" with saccharine. "Tab Throwback" would also work.
I have eight arms and a baby shark head.
I was talking about Amsterdam, and the boy thought I said "hamster dam." Hilarity ensued.
Change is inevitable (but that may change...)
You can never safely get into a "yo' mama" fight with your dad - it doesn't bode well for anyone involved
I think the other superheroes must drive the Flash crazy. Imagine sitting around waiting all the time. "Can we PLEASE hurry this up?!"
A group of frogs is called an army. It should be called a froggle.
Seven-year-old physics: "When you talk into a balloon, the helium creates friction which causes static that pulls your voice in and adds weight to it."
If I were Superman, I would shoot my eye-lasers, like, ALL the time.
Open up! This is the academic police. We have you theoretically surrounded.
Bumped my knee and now it hurts. That's not cool. You know what is cool? A fire tornado.
The interior decorator at the Salt Lake City airport apparently had nothing left to live for.
I lose faith in humanity every morning during rush hour.
I only have two speeds: "balls-to-the-wall" and "off."
There is no such thing as a "Chocolate Frosty." It is either a "Frosty" or a "Vanilla Frosty." A "Frosty" is chocolate. End of discussion.
I hate food.
I want to die in outer space.
Is it wrong that I feel like I wasted my time voting, because I didn't get a sticker?
God invented sweet potato fries just for me. :)
i retract my previous statement - there is no zombie ninja government conspiracy - i HavE onLy resPect for the governMEnt
Every time someone gets a text message, an angel gets its wings.
Lois Lane dies. In his grief, Superman flies so fast he reverses the rotation of the Earth - killing everyone else on the planet. The end.
Yuck, Diet Pisspee.
I'm smarter than I look. And better looking.
I'm using my powers for evil today.
fejujenbkd... this time of night no longer sane... if ever... not sure what I need... try sleep again... not disney channel... suite life...
Was just listing Life Savers flavors, and I was doing ok at pep-o-mint and wint-o-green, but I think I took a wrong turn at butt-o-scotch...
Everybody gets a monkey!
I see icy seas, snow knows no end and winter winds win again
I am jut going tiptoe as fast ad I can and see what my iPhone fangs it to.
(: smiley parentheses :)
"sword" is the "s" word
butler, chef, chauffeur, secretary, personal shopper, personal trainer, life coach, counselor, nurse, financial advisor, handyman... aka dad
Quote of the day, so far: "Nope, it's just a crotch."
Yes, I would eat a bug. There is nothing on this Earth more disgusting than a chicken and I eat those all the time.
You learn something new every day. Every damn day.
Robots are always happy.
1/2 of the men I see in the restroom don't wash their hands. I want to run out after them, point and yell so everyone knows they're gross.
MAKING A MOVIE IN 3D IS LIKE WRITING A MESSAGE IN ALL CAPS. IT MAKES IT SEEM MORE IMPORTANT THAN IT DESERVES.
Whoever came up with the "tie two loops together" method of tying shoelaces, you're an idiot and you've caused a generation to do it wrong.
Horrible things. Unspeakable things. Things that haunt me, that God will never forgive me for. That's what I would do for a Klondike bar.
My Jedi powers: #1 - I can tell Parliament from Funkadelic.
Weather Channel says 0% chance of rain next Wed. & Thurs. Me: how can they be SO sure?! Wife: they just don't care about being wrong.
Star Wars figures are 1:18 scale (4"=6'). At that scale, a toy 1st Death Star would be 5-1/2 miles in diameter. The 2nd would be 31 miles.
We abandoned... Email: etiquette. Chat: decency. Blog: hope. Texting: grammar. My_: sense. FB: reality. Twitter: detail. G+: fun.
What's the emoticon to indicate that you're asking a rhetorical question?
I'm a "glass is half empty" kinda guy. Mostly because I drank it. I'm about to drink the rest and then fill it back up again.
Once you get tired of lemonade, what are you supposed to do with the rest of the lemons?
I'd rather go to work in the dark than come home in the dark. I'd much rather have the whole day ahead of me than behind me.
Sorry - I tried to change gears there and my chain fell off.
Please for the love of God stop saying ironic when you mean coincidental or serendipitous.
You can't look for beauty, you can only find it.
If you assume you just make an ass out of u. (Leave me out of it!)
According to the medical definition, all Vulcans are autistic.
How I described infinity to my boys tonight: How high is the ceiling in this room? About 10 ft. OK, now how high is the ceiling in our yard?
My kids won't eat chili, because "it's too spicy!" But they will eat "hamburger soup."
they only kick you when you're down.
Life is a sexually transmitted, fatal condition.
The older you get, the less time you have to live with your bad decisions.
