Alien Robot Zombie Skeptic

Heavyweight boxing champions 1973-2011

2012-02-10T06:00:00.000-05:00

After George Foreman defeated Joe Frazier and claimed the heavyweight title (January 22, 1973), the WBA believed he should next face Apollo Creed, while the WBC believed Muhammad Ali was the top contender. As Ali had already beaten Creed, Foreman chose to face Ali in the now famous “Rumble in the Jungle” fight (October 30, 1974). The WBA chose not to recognize he bout, and instead awarded its championship to Creed after he beat Joe Frazier. Creed then defeated Ali by a close and controversial decision in March 1975 to become the undisputed heavyweight champ.

Creed refused an immediate rematch with Ali, saying that wanted to fight another challenger first. It turned out to be a misstep. That set up Ali’s famous “Thrilla in Manilla” fight against Frazier, which many people considered a fight for the true heavyweight championship, even though it was sanctioned by neither the WBA nor the WBC.

Seeking to repair his public image, Creed, who was Ali’s match in terms of self-promotion, looked for a worthy contender. When a bout with Foreman fell through, he decided to give an underdog fighter a chance at the heavyweight title as a publicity stunt. Creed chose little-known Robert “Rocky” Balboa for the fight, which took place on January 1, 1976. Balboa surprised everyone by going the distance with the champ. Creed won by split decision, but his public image had taken another hit. Creed finally decided to fight Ali, but Ali had decided to retire to promote his faith Islam*. That set up a rematch with Balboa on Thanksgiving 1976, which Balboa won.

Balboa retained his heavyweight championship for five years, winning ten more bouts along the way. His early title matches featured impressive wins against Foreman, Leon Spinks, Ken Norton, Larry Holmes, John Tate and Mike Weaver, but many felt his final fights in this stretch were lackluster. He was finally beaten by James “Clubber” Lang in August 1981. The following January, Balboa regained the WBA and WBC titles in a rematch with Lang. He was also named the inaugural IBC champion in 1983, but was stripped of all three belts later that year as he chose not to defend them in the ring. Following the death of his friend and one-time foe Apollo Creed in the ring in 1985, Balboa came out of semi-retirement for a Christmas Day 1985 match in Moscow against Ivan Drago (the man who had fought Creed in that fateful match) in what many billed the best fight of Balboa’s career. However, he retired again in early 1986 due to concerns about the severity of the concussion he sustained during the Drago fight.

Following Balboa’s reign, there was no consensus champion again until Mike Tyson gained all three belts in 1987. A fourth championship awarding organization, the WBO was founded in 1988 with Union Cane as its first heavyweight title holder, although Mike Tyson was still almost universally acknowledged as the dominant fighter in his class. In January 1989, Tommy Gunn defeated Cane for the WBO title and James “Buster” Douglas defeated Tyson for the other three belts. Both champions would lose their titles within a year, however.

In 2005, Mason Dixon became the first boxer in 20 years to hold all of the existing heavyweight titles at once. At first, many accused Dixon of lucking into the titles as heavyweight boxing was not what it once was. However, an exhibition match with then 59-year-old former champ Rocky Balboa in February 2006 changed that perception. Dixon beat Balboa by split decision in what turned out to be a true test of character. The champ injured his hand early in the fight, and still managed to beat Balboa who proved to be in exceptional shape. Dixon remained the undisputed champion until February 2008, when the IBF and WBO awarded the title to Ukrainian boxer Wladimir Klitschko. As of early 2012, Klitschko still retains those titles, while his brother Vitali Klitschko has taken the WBC belt and Russian Alexander Povetkin is the WBA champion.

*Note: while Ali was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease in 1984, it is not believed that this factored into his decision at that time. A popularly held but unproven theory is that in addition to his public speaking engagements, Ali was secretly living a double life for a time as the masked vigilante known as Shadow Boxer. Shadow Boxer, of course, is best known for capturing the “Son of Sam” serial killer in New York City in the summer of 1976. In the only known photograph of him, he is partially hidden behind fellow vigilante Luke “Powerman” Cage, but many eye-witness accounts report that his fighting style was “like Ali, only even faster and stronger.”

Cold War villain is actually unsung hero

2012-01-30T06:00:00.000-05:00

There are a lot of people who point to Ronald Reagan’s speech at the Brandenburg Gate in West Berlin on June 12, 1987 as the turning point in the Cold War. “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall,” he said to rousing cheers. A little more than two years later, the Berlin Wall was history, and the Soviet Union dissolved four years after that. Democracy had triumphed.

While there is no overstating the importance of Reagan’s speech, however, it certainly wasn’t the first sign we had that decades of Soviet resolve against personal freedom were fading. Through the steady advance of technology, the world was becoming a smaller place, and it was becoming ever more difficult for Soviet censors to curtail the voice of unrest in their own midst, especially in the Baltic states and other outlying territories.

It was against this backdrop that the Soviets first began to institute the policies of perestroika (reform) and glasnost (transparency) in the mid-1980s. Rather than appease citizens, however, the new openness allowed a now freer press to critique the shortcomings and hypocrisy inherent in the system. While most Soviet citizens still supported the Union, the voice of dissent was growing louder and picking up steam.

In the past, Soviet hardliners would have seized the opportunity to come down hard on citizens and squash any opposition. However, that was no longer possible: the genie was already out of the bottle, and glasnost was picking up steam. Instead, the Soviet government decided to quiet dissent by reinvigorating national pride within the populace. To do so, they launched a massive propaganda campaign, turning to an old trick in their playbook: beat the United States.

From the beginning, the Soviets had matched the U.S. in military might, but both sides knew that in the nuclear age that was not an acceptable battle field, so they tried to one-up each other in other ways. The Soviets had taken the technology lead in the early 1960s by putting the first man in space (Yuri Gagarin on April 12, 1961), but the Americans were never far behind, and after the U.S. became the first to put men on the Moon in 1969, the space race became a symbolic dead-end. Likewise, the mech tech race in the mid-‘60s cooled before it had really begun, as the Stark and Vanko models both proved potent yet overly-complex and cost-prohibitive compared to conventional weaponry and nuclear deterrents. And unbeknown to the Americans, with other concerns looming, the Soviet government had quietly declawed their technology R&D spending.

But athletics and bio-medicine were areas in which they continued to excel, and in which Soviet leaders believed they could gain significant moral victories over the Americans. Having lost the men’s Olympic ice hockey finals to a supposedly inferior U.S. team in 1980, there was a bit of hurt ego playing into the equation. The Americans’ boycott of the summer Olympics that year and subsequent Soviet boycott of the 1984 Olympics had only caused the U.S.S.R. to further lose face. Seeking to change that, the Soviets decided to hit the Americans hard on their own soil.

Such a move was a risky one, of course, as there is no way to control the outcome of any sporting event. However, in this case, Soviet leaders were as certain as they could be about their chances to win. An agency led by one of their top athletic officials, Nicolai Koloff, had developed undetectable (at the time) anabolic steroids that were capable of bestowing almost superhuman strength and endurance. Koloff had also taken to training one of the country’s most promising young athletes, Ivan Drago, who in 1980 had won a largely uncontested Olympic gold in boxing. With Koloff’s help, Drago was trained – and enhanced – to peak condition.

Drago, of course, is best remembered as a villain: the man who killed popular former heavyweight champion Apollo Creed in the ring in his only fight on American soil, and subsequently lost to reigning heavyweight champion Rocky Balboa on Christmas Day 1985. After that fight, he fell from national hero to villain even among his own countrymen. After a post-game report was released identifying steroids in his system, he was disqualified from international competition and disappeared into anonymity, never to be seen again. (Unless you believe wild Internet rumors that he turned KGB and was involved in that disgraceful business in Namibia in 1988.)

But I think it is worth looking back at what Drago represented in the larger context. Although his country turned its back on him, they did not turn their back on what he stood for. His fight with Balboa is the stuff of legend. It ended the Italian Stallion’s career (save for a single, spectacular exhibition outing at age 59 in 2006), but not before he gave the fight of his life. At the end, the crowd was cheering “Rocky! Rocky!” as they embraced the fighter from Philadelphia the same way they had started to embrace the values set forth in Philadelphia two centuries prior. Even Soviet General Secretary Mikhail Gorbachev was seen begrudgingly clapping after the American’s win and heartfelt plea at center ring that “We can all change!”

While the reactions of Gorbachev and the crowd were mostly censored from Soviet television, that only made them more legendary. Interestingly, though, they did not censor the reaction of Ivan Drago when the crowd turned against him. In the waning moments of the fight, Drago was seen pushing Koloff aside and shouting, “I win for me! For me!” The Soviet leadership, blind to the mood of their own people, allowed this quote to be aired repeatedly, hoping it would vilify Drago as someone detached from his own people, thereby deflecting blame for the loss onto his shoulders alone.

In retrospect, however, it was clear that this was the moment Drago stopped being a pawn of his evil government and started representing his actual countrymen rather than the people who claimed to speak for them. Yes, his cry of “I fight for me!” was the most democratic thing ever heard from behind the Iron Curtain. It reflected a growing sentiment among his people: that their will was not subservient to that of the government, and that their voices deserved to be heard.

Ivan Drago lost the biggest fight of his life, but in doing so he helped win the Cold War – for everyone.

Most anticipated splody movies of 2009: recap

2012-01-27T06:00:00.000-05:00

That's right, I'm working my way backwards. After posting my 2011 and 2010 lists, here is how well I did at predicting the movies to see in 2009. (For reference, critic scores from Rotten Tomatoes are also included for each film.) As usual, my formula for success is equal parts good character development and explosions.

1. Avatar

Result: MIDDLING (Tomatometer 83%). This movie is a must-see for the wonderful special effects, ad there was an interesting story to be told here, it just wasn't. Instead, we got a cliche-filled, rehashed plot.

2. Watchmen

Result: MIDDLING (Tomatometer: 64%). Again, this was an absolutely gorgeous film visually, and there was a lot to like in it. While it didn't live up to the graphic novel it was based on, it did fairly well at interpreting the material for the silver screen, and I think it will go down as a cult classic.

3. Star Trek

Result: FULL OF WIN (Tomatometer: 95%). Director J.J. Abrams found a way to both honor the franchise history and reboot it. Most importantly, though, he made one heck of an exciting movie.

4. Where the Wild Things Are

Result: FAIL (Tomatometer: 73%). The children's book of this name is a classic. The movie version takes the spirit of the book, but goes in a very different direction. But that's not why I disliked it. I thought the real-world opening scene was brilliant and really captured the essence of childhood angst. Despite some magnificent, otherworldly set designs, though, the fantasy part (the rest of the movie) was so laboriously paced that it completely ruined the experience. What should have been on my list: Moon (Tomatometer 89%). Sam Rockwell is really a terrific actor, as he showed in this highly original, highly claustrophobic thriller about a man alone in a space station on the Moon.

5. Sherlock Holmes

Result: FULL OF WIN (Tomatometer: 70%). It wasn't the most faithful adaptation of Arthur Conan Doyle's classic English detective, but Robert Downey, Jr. was fantastic as usual, and the ever-so-slightly-steampunk story was exciting.

6. Terminator Salvation

Result: FAIL (Tomatometer: 33%). I actually liked parts of this movie a lot, especially the frenetic opening scene. Overall, it was a mess though, with bad acting, bad editing and an unsatisfying plot that you just couldn't get invested in. What should have been on my list: Zombieland (Tomatometer 90%). Now there's an entertaining dystopian future! This zombie apocalypse movie had action, laughs, an interesting story and quality acting.

7. X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Result: MIDDLING (Tomatometer: 37%). OK, it wasn't great, but it wasn't nearly as bad as the previous film X-Men: The Last Stand. If you are just looking for mindless action, this movie has it in spades - after all, it's about a guy with knives coming out of his hands chopping up everything in sight.

8. Monsters vs. Aliens

Result: MIDDLING (Tomatometer: 72%). I loved the set-up and the way this movie payed tribute to all of the great B-movie monsters of the past. Only half of the jokes were funny, though, and the action was a little tepid.

9. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Result: FAIL (Tomatometer: 20%). One of the robots had balls - double-entendre intended. Two others were horribly offensive racial caricatures. Worst of all, though, this movie about giant, shape-shifting robots managed to be boring. I mean, seriously, how does that happen? What should have been on my list: District 9 (Tomatometer 91%). A damaged alien spaceship arrives at Earth, and its grotesque, insectoid inhabitants are quarantined in a ghetto in Johannesburg, South Africa. This movie was both a great examination of prejudice and an exciting science fiction story.

10. Inglourious Basterds

Result: MIDDLING (Tomatometer: 88%). There were some compelling scenes, and the unexpected twists were great. Overall, though, it's a much more disjointed story than we normally get from Quentin Tarantino.

11. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Result: MIDDLING (Tomatometer: 33%). The story wasn't very deep, but there were some good action sequences. It was enough to keep me entertained and interested in a sequel.

12. 9

Result: FAIL (Tomatometer: 57%). The 2005 short film of the same name that this was based on was very cool, but the story just didn't work as a full-length feature. What should have been on my list: Up (Tomatometer 98%). Wow, this one surprised me. It did not look very interesting to me at first, but it may be my favorite Pixar film to date. It made me cry, it made me laugh, and it was much splodier than I ever imagined, full of terrific action and wondrous adventure.

Final tally for my 2009 predictions: only two clear winners, compared to four losers and six movies that were just so-so.

Most anticipated splody movies of 2010: recap

2012-01-24T06:00:00.001-05:00

Since I posted my 2011 splody movie recap, a couple of people have asked me about the lists from previous years that I mentioned. As luck would have it, I still have a few of them saved, and so without further ado, here is how I did at predicting which movies would be worth watching in 2010. (As a reminder, my formula for success is equal parts good character development and explosions.)

1. Iron Man 2
Result: FULL OF WIN (Tomatometer 74%). It may not have matched the first installment overall, but it had some great action and - yes - Robert Downey, Jr.

2. Inception
Result: FULL OF WIN (Tomatometer 86%). Christopher Nolan didn't disappoint, creating another mind-blowing suspense that threw all of the rules out the window.

3. Tron: Legacy
Result: MIDDLING (Tomatometer 50%). The plot was overly complicated and plodding, but then so again was the first Tron. And while it may not have broken any new ground like its predecessor did, it was still a visually stunning movie.

4. Clash of the Titans
Result: FAIL (Tomatometer 28%). I'll take the original version's B-movie acting and Ray Harryhausen classic stop-motion monsters any day over the boring script and sub-par CGI of this mess. What should have been on my list: Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (Tomatometer 81%). This was both the stupidest and most awesomest movie I saw from the 2010 crop.As tired as Clash was, Pilgrim was fresh and innovative, and it featured a truly epic (and utterly ridiculous) quest.

5. Kick-Ass
Result: FULL OF WIN (Tomatometer 76%). this was pitched as a "realistic" superhero movie, which is a bunch of crap - superhero movies are unrealistic by definition. But it definitely broke with some of the standard comic book movie conventions and showed just how bloody and messy being a superhero would be. What pushed it over the top was the father-daughter vigilante team of Big Daddy (played by Nic Cage as a psychotic version of Batman) and eleven-year-old Hit Girl.

6. Megamind
Result: MIDDLING (Tomatometer 72%). Will Ferrell is either hit or miss. Here, he hits as smartypants supervillain Megamind. Unfortunately, the plot is a little slow in places, but overall it's a worthwhile view.

7. How to Train Your Dragon
Result: FULL OF WIN (Tomatometer 98%). The middle of my 2010 movie lineup was full of movies aimed more at my then-seven-year-old boys than at me, but what can I say? It was a good year for animated adventure. This film was full of laughs, thrills and memorable characters.

8. Predators
Result: MIDDLING (Tomatometer 64%). Nothing can beat the original Predator starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, but this did a better job than previous sequels of capturing some of that excitement.

9. Despicable Me
Result: FULL OF WIN (Tomatometer 81%). It was the animated film I was least sure about, but this story of a down-on-his-luck supervillain turned out to be my favorite of the bunch.

10. Salt
Result: MIDDLING (Tomatometer 62%). Salt was billed as the "female Jason Bourne movie." There was some good action, and I like Angelina Jolie, but the story itself didn't live up to the hype.

11. The Expendables
Result: FAIL (Tomatometer 40%). This film collected a ton of old action stars, but squandered its potential with a clunky story. What should have been on my list: RED (Tomatometer 71%). Short for "Retired, Extremely Dangerous," this sleeper had the action and laughs that The Expendables only hinted at.

12. The A-Team
Result: FAIL (Tomatometer 46%). I was a fan of the TV show, but I didn't have my hopes up too high for this film, which was as forgettable as most TV-to-movie adaptations. What should have been on my list: Machete (Tomatometer 73%). Based on a fake trailer from the 2007 film Grindhouse, director Robert Rodriguez packed this movie with a lot of over-the-top action. Plus, it stars total badass Danny Trejo.

Final tally for my 2010 predictions: five winners, three losers and four that were just so-so.

And the winner is...

2012-01-20T06:00:00.000-05:00

A - armpit, awkward (2)

B - baboon, badonkadonk, balls, blubbery, boobs, booger, booty, bra, buns, burp, butt (11)

C - constipated, cow pie, cup (3)

D - diaper (1)

E

F - fanny, fart (2)

G - gas, giblets, gorilla (3)

H - hot (1)

I

J

K

L

M - manure, monkey, moon, mudflaps (4)

N - nerd, nipple, nose hair, nostril, nude, nuts (6)

O

P - pee, poop (2)

Q

R - rear (1)

S - SBD, sexy, skid marks, snot, squat, squish (6)

T - turd (1)

U - underpants (1)

V

W - wiener (1)

X

Y

Z

So there you have it. By a landslide, nine-year-old boys have chosen B as the funniest letter.

Ten little baby toes

2012-01-17T06:00:00.000-05:00

Here's a song I made up for the newest addition to our family. Enjoy.

I’ve got ten little baby toes

And one little baby nose

Two baby elbows

And two baby earlobes

Two little baby eyes

And two little baby thighs

And two little baby lungs to help me cry

(Wah!)

I’ve got one little baby face

With two little chubby cheeks

And one little baby mouth

But no little baby teeth

I’ve got two little baby hands

With two little baby thumbs

And one little diaper to cover my baby bum

(Wah!)

What if Superman was absent minded

2012-01-13T06:00:00.010-05:00

The bowl is half empty - part 3

2012-01-10T06:00:00.211-05:00

Congratulations to the Alabama Crimson Tide, winner of last night's so-called "National Championship Bowl" and holder of this year's mythical NCAA football crown. I say "mythical" because, while I believe they have a good claim to the title, for some reason we still don't have a true playoff system to definitively settle the matter. So, as I did last year and the year before, I'd like to imagine a world in which we had been treated to a month of playoff-level excitement. A world where we had gotten to see 16 of the season's top-ranked college football teams battle for the ultimate, indisputable title.

Here is what it might have looked like. I have bracketed and seeded the teams according to their final regular-season BCS rankings, with some consideration given to tradition (e.g., SEC champion in the Sugar Bowl bracket) and geography. I also used the rule of no more than one team per conference in any given bracket.

Rose Bowl Bracket

1st seed Oregon (11-2, Pac-12) vs. 4th seed Oklahoma (10-3, Big XII) -- winner: Oregon

2nd seed Arkansas (10-2, SEC) vs. 3rd seed Wisconsin (11-2, Big Ten) -- winner: Arkansas

Rose Bowl: Oregon over Arkansas. This one really could go either way, but I've got to give the edge to the Ducks and their brain-implodingly tacky uniforms.

Fiesta Bowl Bracket

1st seed Oklahoma State (11-1, Big XII) vs. 4th seed Clemson (10-3, ACC) -- winner: Oklahoma State

2nd seed Stanford (11-1, Pac-12) vs. 3rd seed South Carolina (10-2, SEC) -- winner: Stanford

Fiesta Bowl: Oklahoma State over Stanford. This is exactly what happened in this year's Fiesta Bowl.

Sugar Bowl Bracket

1st seed LSU (13-0, SEC) vs. 4th seed West Virginia (9-3, Big East) -- winner: LSU

2nd seed Boise State (12-1, Mountain West) vs. 3rd seed Baylor (10-3, Big XII) -- winner: Boise State

Sugar Bowl: LSU over Boise State. Boise State looked good yet again, but - last night's game notwithstanding - LSU has been dominant all season.

Orange Bowl Bracket

1st seed Alabama (11-1, SEC) vs. 4th seed Michigan (10-2, Big Ten) -- winner: Alabama

2nd seed Kansas State (10-2, Big XII) vs. 3rd seed Virginia Tech (11-2, ACC) -- winner: Kansas State

Orange Bowl: Alabama over Kansas State. The SEC owns the Big XII this year.

Final Four

Eastern Semifinal: Alabama over LSU

Western Semifinal: Oregon over Oklahoma State

National Championship Bowl: 'Bama looked pretty unstoppable last night. But who knows? If we had actually gotten to see this play out, I wouldn't have been surprised in the least to see Oklahoma State or Oregon win the big game. And West Virginia and Arkansas sure looked strong in their own bowl games and could have been Cinderellas at the ball if there had been a ball. Sadly, for this season at least, we'll never know.

------------

BONUS: The "N.I.T." of College Football

This year, 70 teams participated in 35 bowl games. Many of these were barely-worthy 6-6 teams, but there were a few good ones in there as well. Here is what a second-tier 16-team tournament might have looked like. I've included all of the conferences champions without a spot in the main tournament (C-USA, MAC, Moutain West, Sun Belt and WAC), as well as the next-best available teams according to the BCS rankings and AP poll.

EAST BRACKET

1st seed Houston (13-1, C-USA) vs. 4th seed Arkansas State (10-2, Sun Belt) -- winner: Houston

2nd seed Penn State (9-4, Big XII) vs. 3rd seed Auburn (8-5 SEC) -- winner: Auburn

Chick-fil-A Bowl: Auburn over Houston

SOUTHEAST BRACKET

1st seed Georgia (10-4, SEC) vs. 4th seed Louisiana Tech (8-5, WAC) -- winner: Georgia

2nd seed Southern Miss (12-2, C-USA) vs. 3rd seed Florida State (9-4, ACC) -- winner: Florida State

Gator Bowl: Georgia over Florida State

MIDWEST BRACKET

1st seed Michigan State (11-3, Big Ten) vs. 4th seed Ohio (10-4, MAC) -- winner: Michigan State

2nd seed Texas (8-5, Big XII) vs. 3rd seed Notre Dame (8-5, Independent) -- winner: Texas

Alamo Bowl: Michigan State over Texas

WEST BRACKET

1st seed TCU (11-2, Moutain West) vs. 4th seed BYU (10-3, Independent) -- winner: TCU

2nd seed Nebraska (9-4, Big Ten) vs. 3rd seed Cincinnati (10-3, Big East) -- winner: Cincinnati

Insight Bowl: Cincinnati over TCU

FINAL FOUR

Outback Bowl: Georgia over Auburn

Cotton Bowl: Michigan State over Cincinnati

Capital One National Invitational Championship Bowl: Michigan State over Georgia

Happy Jupiter Day!

2012-01-08T06:00:00.153-05:00

As regular readers know, I'm a bit of a fan (completely obsessed) when it comes to planets. A while back, I was thinking about Earth Day, which we celebrate across the globe every April 22, and it ocurred to me that if we are going to colonize the rest of the Solar System one day, then the other planets are going to need their own special days as well. So I decided to figure out when those should be.

I decided right away that each month should have only one such day. After all, we only have eight planets, so there's no need to bunch them up. And with four months left over, I figured we could also find room on the calendar for days to celebrate asteroids and plutoids as well.

There were a few marklers that helped give shape to where the celebrations fell. Earth Day, of course, is in April. It seemed only right that Mars Day should be in the month named after it: March. Finally, I figured December was a fitting month for Saturn, in honor of the ancient Roman festival of Saturnalia. By keeping the rest of the planets in their relative order, everything else fell into place.

Here is what I came up with:

Jupiter Day: January 8

As first among the planets in terms of size and mass, Jupiter's celebration is in the first month of the year. We celebnrate the "King of Planets" and its satellites annually on January 8 in honor of Galileo Galilei's discovery of Jupiter's four largest moons (the first moons discovered beyond Earth's) January 7-8, 1610. (The planet itself is visible to the naked eye and had been known since antiquity.)

Asteroid Day: February 19

This is the day to celebrate Ceres, Pallas, Vesta, Hygiea, Interamnia and the millions of other asteroids in the Solar System. Asteroids are smaller than planets, so we celebrate them in the shortest month, and the 19th was chosen to commemorate the discovery of the first asteroid (Ceres) on the first day of the 19th Century (January 1, 1801).

Mars Day: the fourth Tuesday in March

Celebrate the "Red Planet" on the day of the week (Latin: "dies Martis") and month of the year (Latin: "Martius") that share the name of this fourth planet from the Sun. (Note that because they use different calendars, the fourth Tuesday of March will not always fall on the same date on Earth as it does on Mars. Until the first Mars colony is up and running, though, we'll use the Earth calendar.)

Earth Day: April 22

Every April 22, we celebrate the "Blue Planet" and spread awareness and appreciation for the Earth's natural environment. Earth Day has been celebrated since 1970, when it was founded by U.S. Senator and environmentalist Gaylord Nelson. In 2009, the United Nations designated April 22 International Mother Earth Day.

Venus Day: May 22

In many ways, Venus is Earth's twin: the planet nearest our own in terms of size, mass, surface gravity and diastance from the Sun. So it seems only fitting to celebrate the "Cloud Planet" exactly one month later than Earth Day.

Mercury Day: June 23

Mercury revolves around the Sun exactly two times for every three times it rotates on its axis, and this 2:3 orbit-spin resonance makes the 23rd a fitting day to celebrate the "Swift Planet." June 23 is also close to the summer solstice in Earth's northern hemisphere, a fitting time to celebrate the closest planet to the Sun.

Day of the Sun: July 21

On what is statistically the hottest day of the year in many parts of Earth's northern hemisphere, celebrate the star that provides that heat and makes life possible in the Solar System.

Comet Day: August 12

This is the peak of the annual Perseids Meteor Shower on Earth, which is caused by debris left by the Swift-Tuttle Comet. (August 12, 1972 was the most active meteor shower in recorded history.) Because of heir extermely elongated orbits, comets travel both very close to the Sun and to the outer reaches of the Solar System, making this day a perfect bridge between July's Day of the Sun and September's Plutoid Day.

Plutoid Day: September 13

Celebrate Pluto, Eris, Makemake, Haumea and all of the dwarf planets and smaller objects beyond Neptune. Pluto was the first such object discovered (in 1930), and its longtime status as the "Ninth Planet" makes the ninth month of the year a good time to celebrate it and its kin. The discovery of Eris, another plutoid as large as Pluto, caused the astronomical community to rethink how we classify such objects. September 13, 2006 was the day Eris was officially named, ushering in the era of the plutoid.

Neptune Day: October 10

Neptune, the "Tempest Planet," was discovered in September 1846, and just 17 days later, on October 10, its first moon was spotted. But Triton wasn't like other moons: it was retrograde, orbiting in the opposite direction one would expect. This double disciovery opened a greater window into the history of our Solar System.

Uranus Day: November 15

All but two of the major planets of the Solar System are visible to the naked eye. Sir William Herschel was the first to discover a new planet, Uranus, in 1781. He then discovered its first two moons six years later. For this reason, we celebrate the "Bull's Eye Planet" and its satellites on Herschel's birthday, November 15.

Saturn Day: December 17

In ancient Rome, the biggest festival of the year was Saturnalia, a feast on December 17 in honor of the god Saturn. Many aspects of Saturnalia continue today, absorbed into Christmas holiday tradition. Today, we take the opportunity on December 17 to celebrate the "Ringed Planet" and its extensive and unique system of rings and satellites.

Most anticipated splody movies of 2012

2012-01-03T06:00:00.131-05:00

At the beginning of each year, I check to see what movies are coming out and try to informally rank which ones i think will be worth seeing. My formula for success is equal parts good character development and explosions. Here is what I think about the movies scheduled for 2012:

1. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
When: December 14. Why I'm looking forward to it: Because it's a continuation of the amazing Lord of the Rings movie series. And because it's not a prequel just to cash in on the success of LotR - The Hobbit was actually the first book written in the series.

2. The Avengers
When: May 4. Why I'm looking forward to it: Because Marvel Studios has made four separate, worthwhile franchises and is now combining them in a collision of epic proportions. And if anybody can pull it off, it's writer/director Joss Whedon, who proved he can handle ensembles with the long-running Buffy the Vampire Slayer series and cult-favorite Firefly.

3. The Dark Knight Rises
When: July 20. Why I'm looking forward to it: Because director Christopher Nolan's Batman series has been unbelievably good. This final chapter only needs to be half as good as the last one in order to be a classic.

4. Prometheus
When: June 8. Why I'm looking forward to it: Because it's set in the same universe as the Alien movies (but don't call it a prequel!) and marks the return of director Ridley Scott (Alien, Blade Runner) to science fiction.

5. John Carter
When: March 9. Why I'm looking forward to it: Because it's based on a series of pulp novels by Edgar Rice Burroughs (who also created Tarzan), which have influenced just about every sci-fi, action and fantasy movie ever made. Also, it's Pixar's first live-action movie. Oh, and it's about Martians.

6. The Amazing Spider-Man
When: July 3. Why I'm looking forward to it: Because Spider-Man was my favorite superhero growing up. I thought the previous Spider-Man trilogy was OK, but not Earth-shattering. We're being promised a more faithful adaptation of Spidey's story here. I have some doubts, but I'm hopeful.

7. Men in Black III
When: May 25. Why I'm looking forward to it: Because I love me some Will Smith. The first MiB movie rocked, the second sucked. This one looks interesting from what little I've seen. Hopefully the Indiana Jones rule will be in effect here (odd numbered movies are classics and even numbered ones bite).

8. The Bourne Legacy
When: August 3. Why I'm looking forward to it: Because three previous Bourne movies were exciting - competing with the Sean Connery run of James Bond films as the best spy movie series ever. This one, however, doesn't even feature Jason Bourne. Can it keep up the momentum?

9. G.I. Joe: Retaliation
When: June 29. Why I'm looking forward to it: Because I liked the first one. It was dumb, but fun, and I've never been a big fan, so the liberties it took with the source material didn't bother me. With the addition of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Bruce Willis, this one honestly looks even better.

10. Skyfall
When: November 9. Why I'm looking forward to it: Because James Bond rocks when done right. Daniel Craig's first James Bond film was great. His second was boring. He admitted as much and said this one will more than make up for it. Let's hope he's right.

11. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance
When: February 17. Why I'm looking forward to it: Because the first GR movie sucked so bad. Honestly, this should be one of the coolest characters to ever hit the screen: a flaming, motor-cycle riding skeleton. I have my doubts, but the early pictures look promising. It won't be a classic, but it could be entertaining.

12. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
When: June 22. Why I'm looking forward to it: Because it has a cool title. It's a long shot, but it could be campy fun.

Most anticipated splody movies of 2011: recap

2011-12-31T06:00:00.227-05:00

At the beginning of 2011, I made a list of what I thought would be the best movies of the year. (My formula for success: equal parts good character development and explosions.) Now that 2011 is in the books, here is an analysis of how my predictions went:

1. Captain America: The First Avenger
Result: FULL OF WIN (Rotten Tomatoes score: 79%). It wasn't perfect, but my top choice didn't disappoint. It was full of heart, especially in the opening act, and was two hours of pure fun.

2. Cowboys & Aliens
Result: CLUNKER (Rotten Tomatoes score: 44%). Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford, plus John Favreau as director and a kick-ass concept - what could go wrong? Well, it could be boring for starters. What should have been on my list: Attack the Block (Rotten Tomatoes score: 90%). This British film didn't get much press in the U.S., but it was a well-done, smart take on the alien invasion story.

3. Thor
Result: FULL OF WIN (Rotten Tomatoes score: 77%). I had serious doubts about this one when it was first announced, but the more I heard about it the more excited I got. And the movie topped my expectations.

4. Green Lantern
Result: CLUNKER (Rotten Tomatoes score: 27%). With a great concept supported by a big budget, this movie should have been a big hit, but the script and directing were just awful. What should have been on my list: Limitless (Rotten Tomatoes score: 69%). If Green Lantern wanted to chart new ground, it needed to look no further than this sleeper, which put a fresh spin on the question of "what would happen if an ordinary guy gained a super power?"

5. X-Men: First Class
Result: FULL OF WIN (Rotten tomatoes score: 87%). This one made up for the past two weak X-Men movies and returned the franchise to relevance.

6. Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows
Result: MIDDLING (Rotten Tomatoes score: 59%). On paper this one sounded even better than the first movie, which was an interesting and pretty good take on the classic detective. I haven't seen this one yet, but all reports point to it being only so-so. Still, it has Robert Downey, Jr., so even if it was downright horrible I would watch it just because of my man-crush.

7. Super 8
Result: FULL OF WIN (Rotten tomatoes score: 82%). It was a little formulaic at times, and the ending wasn't as good as the rest of the film, but J.J. Abram's homage to Steven Spielberg was well done and thoroughly entertaining.

8. Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Result: CLUNKER (Rotten Tomatoes score: 35%). Director Micahel Bay said that he had learned from the disastrous second Transformers movie and that this one would be better. When will I learn to stop believing Michael Bay? What should have been on my list: Martin Scorsese's Hugo (Rotten Tomatoes score: 89%). I had not heard of this film before it came out, but it got tremendous reviews and is now on my must-see list. It isn't tthe splodiest movie; it doesn't have giant robots knocking down buildings, just one small clockwork man - oh, and a great story.

9. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Result: CLUNKER (Rotten Tomatoes score: 33%). I absolutely loved the first PotC movie, but thought the next two were muddled messes. I was encouraged, then, when I heard the franchise was changing direction (no more Orlando Bloom or Keira Knightly), and even more encouraged when I heard there would be zombies. But no, it was still a mess. What should have been on my list: The Adventures of Tintin (Rotten Tomatoes score: 74%). Virtually unknown in America, Tintin is the star of a popular series of children's adventure books in the rest of the world. And his first animated adventure, directed by Steven Spielberg, has been getting great word of mouth.

10. Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Result: FULL OF WIN (Rotten tomatoes score: 83%). I've always loved the original PotA movie, even though I always felt it wasn't very feasible by science fiction standards. When Tim Burton remade it a few years ago, I lost all hope. But this prequel, with mo-cap phenom Andy Serkis in the lead roll as Caesar the chimpanzee, turned out to be very well done - and even provides some rationale behind the story of the original classic.

11. Conan the Barbarian
Result: CLUNKER (Rotten Tomatoes score: 23%). The 1982 version of Conan the Barbarian starring Arnold Schwarzenegger is a stone-cold classic. I really love Conan and was hoping this digital-age re-make would add something, but it just fell flat. What should have been on my list: 13 Assassins (Rotten Tomatoes score: 95%). This Japanese-British film about samurai assassins made many critics' top-ten lists and featured some dazzling fight sequences.

12. Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol
Result: FULL OF WIN (Rotten Tomatoes score: 93%). After three mostly mediocre M:I movies, I didn't think this one would be an improvement. But the live-action debut of acclaimed animation director Brad Bird (The Iron Giant, The Incredibles, Ratatouille) gave me a glimmer of hope. And from what I have heard, Bird used his cartoon thrill-ride sensibilities to churn out a non-stop, balls-to-the-wall blockbuster.

So there you have it: six winners, five losers and one in-between. Which just goes to show: you never can tell what's going to be good until you actually see it. Still, that won't stop me from speculating about the movies of 2012 in my next post...

Twisdom 2011

2011-12-27T06:00:00.012-05:00

Every once in a while, I tweet something that stands on its own. Sometimes it's poetic, sometimes silly and sometimes just a little observation that has a kernel of wisdom in it. Here are some of those tweets.

I see icy seas, snow knows no end and winter winds win again

I am jut going tiptoe as fast ad I can and see what my iPhone fangs it to.

(: smiley parentheses :)

"sword" is the "s" word

butler, chef, chauffeur, secretary, personal shopper, personal trainer, life coach, counselor, nurse, financial advisor, handyman... aka dad

Quote of the day, so far: "Nope, it's just a crotch."

Yes, I would eat a bug. There is nothing on this Earth more disgusting than a chicken and I eat those all the time.

You learn something new every day. Every damn day.

Robots are always happy.

1/2 of the men I see in the restroom don't wash their hands. I want to run out after them, point and yell so everyone knows they're gross.

MAKING A MOVIE IN 3D IS LIKE WRITING A MESSAGE IN ALL CAPS. IT MAKES IT SEEM MORE IMPORTANT THAN IT DESERVES.

Whoever came up with the "tie two loops together" method of tying shoelaces, you're an idiot and you've caused a generation to do it wrong.

Horrible things. Unspeakable things. Things that haunt me, that God will never forgive me for. That's what I would do for a Klondike bar.

My Jedi powers: #1 - I can tell Parliament from Funkadelic.

Weather Channel says 0% chance of rain next Wed. & Thurs. Me: how can they be SO sure?! Wife: they just don't care about being wrong.

Star Wars figures are 1:18 scale (4"=6'). At that scale, a toy 1st Death Star would be 5-1/2 miles in diameter. The 2nd would be 31 miles.

We abandoned... Email: etiquette. Chat: decency. Blog: hope. Texting: grammar. My_: sense. FB: reality. Twitter: detail. G+: fun.

What's the emoticon to indicate that you're asking a rhetorical question?

I'm a "glass is half empty" kinda guy. Mostly because I drank it. I'm about to drink the rest and then fill it back up again.

Once you get tired of lemonade, what are you supposed to do with the rest of the lemons?

I'd rather go to work in the dark than come home in the dark. I'd much rather have the whole day ahead of me than behind me.

Sorry - I tried to change gears there and my chain fell off.

Please for the love of God stop saying ironic when you mean coincidental or serendipitous.

You can't look for beauty, you can only find it.

If you assume you just make an ass out of u. (Leave me out of it!)

How I described infinity to my boys tonight: How high is the ceiling in this room? About 10 ft. OK, now how high is the ceiling in our yard?

My kids won't eat chili, because "it's too spicy!" But they will eat "hamburger soup."

When is Christmas on Mars?

2011-12-20T06:00:00.016-05:00

As we enter the age of space exploration, Mars is mankind's next home. (Some of our robots already live there.) It is an alien world, but there are many ways in which it is similar to Earth. One of those is the length of the Martian day. The length of the solar day (sol) on Earth is 24 hours 0 minutes 0 seconds. On Mars, it is only 2.73% longer: 24 hours 39 minutes 22.663 seconds.

Most methods of timekeeping proposed for the Red Planet involve just using hours, minutes and seconds slightly 2.73% longer than their Earth equivalents. That makes a lot of sense and keeps the 24-hour clock we're used to. Using metric time is another option: each 1/10 of a Martian sol would be equal to about 2 hours 28 minutes on Earth; each 1/100 sol would be just under 15 Earth minutes; and each 1/1000 sol would be equal to about 1.5 Earth seconds.

Regardless of what time system people propose for Martian days, they seem to universally assume we'll use Mars' revolution around the Sun as the basis of the Martian calendar. The Martian solar year is equal to about 687 Earth days or 668.6 Martian sols. This makes sense on one hand, since Mars does experience seasons and this system will ensure that those seasons always fall at approximately the same time of year.

However, using the Martian solar year as a basis completely ignores the cultural importance of the 365-day calendar we use here on Earth. Assuming our Martian colonists want to maintain cultural ties with Earth, they will want to celebrate Christmas and other holidays at approximately the same time intervals that Earthlings do.

Here is how we get around that: we use the earth calendar, and chop off a day at the end of most months. This will make the date on Mars almost always the same (give or take a day) as on Earth. Holidays that would fall on the missing days are moved to the day prior. (For example, New Year's Eve would be celebrated on December 30 on Mars, since there would be no December 31.)

Under this system, all of the 31-day months (January, March, May, July, August, October and December) would lose one day and become 30-day months. June and November would remain at 30 days, but April and September would each lose one day, going from 30 to 29.

Earth Leap Years would not be celebrated, so February would be 28 days every year, never 29. However, April would gain back its 30th day as a "Leap Day" on even-numbered years not divisible by 30. (This would next happen on 2040, then 2070, 2100, 2130, and so on.) That should pretty much sync the calendars, although every few hundred years, the Martians may want to add an extra Leap Day (in one of the years divisible by 30) in order to stay aligned with Earth's calendar.

Here is how many days each month would have:

January: 30
February: 28
March: 30
April: 29 (30 in Leap Years)
May: 30
June: 30
July: 30
August: 30
September: 29
October: 30
November: 30
December: 30

This yields a year of 355 Martian sols (356 on Leap Years), which is equivalent to one year on Earth. The seasons will rotate through the year. For example, it's spring in the northern Martian hemisphere right now as Mars just had a Vernal Equinox on September 13, 2011. The next spring will start about a month and a half earlier on July 31, 2011. However, season migration already happens with many lunar-based Earth calendars and those cultures seem to handle it just fine. I think it's more important that the kids of Mars won't have to wait almost twice as long as Earthling kids for visits from Santa and the Easter Bunny.

So there you have it: Christmas on Mars is still on December 25, which overlaps with December 25 on Earth. Martians have a functional calendar for Mars that gives them the opportunity to carry forward their Earth heritage and celebrate whatever holidays they wish with their loved ones back home.

Yes, even Alien Robot Zombie Day!

If the mascots ruled the NHL

2011-12-16T06:00:00.000-05:00

I stand by my previous suggestion for realigning the National Hockey League. But since I rearranged MLB, NBA and NFL teams thematically, I thought I shoudl do the same for hockey.

BACKCHECK CONFERENCE

Pond Division: Canucks, Ducks, Islanders, Penguins, Sharks
These team names all have a water theme, fitting for a game played on a frozen pond.

Shinny Division: Avalanche, Flames, Hurricanes, Lightning, Maple Leafs
Shinny is hockey in its pristine form, played out in the open on a frozen pond. These team names represent other things you'll find out in the natural elements.

Zone Division: Blackhawks, Canadiens, Capitals, Oilers, Senators
These team names are all provincial, representing different peoples and national symbols.

FORECHECK CONFERENCE

Chase Division: Bruins, Coyotes, Devils, Panthers, Predators
These team names represnt things that will chase you, just like hockey players chase the puck.

Grind Division: Blue Jackets, Kings, Rangers, Sabres, Wild
Attack, attack, attack.

Wing Division: Blues, Flyers, Jets, Red Wings, Stars
Wingers are an important part of a hockey team's offense. Wings and flight also feature prominently in these teams' logos.

If the mascots ruled the NFL

2011-12-13T06:00:00.072-05:00

As we head into the final weeks of the season in the National Football League, I figured I would rearrange the league much as I did with the NBA and MLB.

This is completely unnecessary, since the NFL is the best organized pro sport in America. But then again, when has something being unnecessary ever stopped me before?

AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE

Gridiron Division: Browns, Jets, Packers, Steelers
The teams in this division represent American football's blue collar roots.

Roar Division: Bengals, Jaguars, Lions, Panthers
Great cats, anyone?

Rush Division: Bears, Chargers, Dolphins, Rams
These teams are named for things that charge forward with unstoppable force.

Stampede Division: Bills, Broncos, Colts, Texans
Yee-haw!

NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE

Air Division: Cardinals, Eagles, Falcons, Ravens
These teams really fly down the field.

Frontier Division: Chiefs, Cowboys, 49ers, Redskins
The wild, wild west.

Legends Division: Giants, Patriots, Saints, Titans
These teams are larger than life.

Sea Division: Buccaneers, Raiders, Seahawks, Vikings
These nautically themed teams are ready to sail to victory.

If the mascots ruled the NBA

2011-12-09T06:00:00.077-05:00

Realigning Major League Baseball was so much fun, I thought I'd give the other professional sports leagues the same treatment. In honor of their recent labor peace, then, here is the National Basketball Association rearranged thematically.

FORWARD CONFERENCE

Cager Division: Bobcats, Grizzlies, Hawks, Raptors, Timberwolves
The team names in this division are all animals one might find in a cage at the zoo. "Cager" is an old term for basketball player.

Drive Division: Bulls, Clippers, Pacers, Pistons, Rockets
This division is all about moving forward.

Phenom Division: Bucks, Heat, Hornets, Suns, Thunder
These team names are all based on natural phenomena. A very talented player is also called a "phenom."

LEGACY CONFERENCE

Court Division: Cavaliers, Kings, Magic, Warriors, Wizards
These team names represent all of the things you might have found at the king's court in days of yore. Nowadawys, you'll find them on the basketball court.

Heritage Division: Celtics, Jazz, Knicks, Lakers, 76ers
This division contains teams that honor America's heritage and diversity.

Pioneer Division: Mavericks, Nets, Nuggets, Spurs, Trail Blazers
The teams in this division pay homage to America's pioneer days.

Throw away your old, outdated diagram of the Solar System

2011-12-03T06:00:00.027-05:00

Graphic designer Emily Lakdawalla has created the best presentation slide / poster of the Solar System that I have ever seen. I tried this myself once, but mine was crude and amateurish by comparison. Emily's is the real deal. It captures in gorgeous detail diversity of planets that we now know exists in our neighborhood.

Slide-worthy images and a high-res poster version (complete with planet names) are available here for download. The poster can also be purchased in 16"x20"($18) and 23"x35" sizes.

If the mascots ruled the Major Leagues

2011-12-01T06:00:00.066-05:00

Major League Baseball recently decided to move the Houston Astros franchise from the National League Central division to the American League West. It's not the best move they could have made, but it does even things out a bit.

Still, Houston has always been a National League town, and in baseball, that kind of tradition is a sacred thing. The move is also unsettling, because it requires interleague play every day of the season.

Then I got to thinking: well, why not just throw all tradition out the window. And so I did just that, rearranging the leagues along thematic lines. (If this seems to fly in the face of geographic sense, just remember that Atlanta and San Francisco were in the same division for decades.)

AMERICAN LEAGUE

Diamond Division: Athletics, Dodgers, Reds, Red Sox, White Sox
The team names in this division all pay tribute to the game's roots.

Pride Division: Braves, Indians, Nationals, Phillies, Yankees
This division contains teams that pay tribute to various identities.

Wheelhouse Division: Brewers, Mariners, Padres, Pirates, Rangers
This division pays homage to the working people of America. (And also pirates.)

NATIONAL LEAGUE

Fly Division: Angels, Astros, Blue Jays, Cardinals, Orioles
These team names all denote things that fly, just like a well-hit baseball.

Grand Division: Giants, Mets, Rockies, Royals, Twins
These team names represent big things.

Wild Division: Cubs, Diamondbacks, Marlins, Rays, Tigers
These teams all use wild animals as their mascots.

Never miss Wookiee Life Day again!

2011-11-28T06:00:00.000-05:00

I have previously written about all of the little-known holidays that deserve to be celebrated. Now I have added a new feature to the Alien Robot Zombie Skeptic website: a calendar that lets you keep track of all of them.

I have included all of the normal U.S. and Canadian holidays, plus a heaping helping of, shall we say, less normal ones. You'll also find astronomical information (such as the best time to view planets in the sky), predicted future alien robot zombie invasions and a host of other random but potentially interesting stuff.

Did I miss anything? Leave a comment. If your holiday or event is alien robot zombies enough, I'll add it.

Click here to go to the Alien Robot Zombie Calendar.

P.S. - Happy birthday, Mom. And no, that's not on the calendar. ;)

11:11:11 11-11-11

2011-11-11T11:11:00.013-05:00

This is being posted at 11 seconds after 11:11 AM on November 11, 2011.

Happy Eleven Day to everyone. I hope your day goes to eleven.

Turdus migratorius incorrectus

2011-11-09T18:45:00.001-05:00

Dear Red Robin:

Tonight, while I dined in your restaurant with my family, my sons received kids menus that included something called the "Scientific Name Game." I realize the kids menu at Red Robin is "light reading," but I was horrified to find the scientific name of our own species misspelled. I am a businessman, not a scientist, but I abhor sloppiness when it comes to educational materials - yes, even Red Robin menus!

The correct spelling is Homo sapiens, not Homo sapien. (The final "s" was missing.) Please take more care in the future. I am all for introducing complex subjects in a simple way, but it should be done factually. (Also, technically the second half of each scientific name should be lower case, not capitalized, but I concede that I may just be splitting hairs at this point.)

Rico Detroit

Hey diddle diddle: 2005 YU55

2011-11-07T06:00:00.045-05:00

Tomorrow, November 8, 2011, asteroid 2005 YU55 will pass very close to the earth, reaching its nearest point, about 200,000 miles (325,000 km) from Earth, at 6:28 p.m. EST. This is closer than the Moon orbits our planet.

Fortunately, the orbit of this asteroid is very well known, and there is no chance of collision with either the Earth or the Moon. (Or at least that's what they want you to think. NASA has lied to us before...)

Unfortunately, nobody has bothered to give this 790 foot (325 m) diameter asteroid an official name yet. As I've repeatedly said in the past, I won't stand for that. Therefore, in honor of the fact that this cow is obviously jumping over the moon, I hereby bestow upon it the nickname "Diddle" in honor of the old nursery rhyme:

Hey diddle diddle,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon,
The little dog laughed to see such a sight,
And the dish ran away with the spoon.

Dear Son

2011-10-17T06:00:00.005-04:00

I think about you a lot during the day while I'm at work and on the days and evenings when we're apart. All too often when we're together, life goes so quickly and the hours and days slip by before I've gotten the chance to do and say everything I want to. Life is like that, I guess, and I'd rather it be overflowing than not full enough. But here, in this quiet moment, I wanted to take the time to tell you exactly what I want to tell you every moment of every day.

I'm proud of you. Not because of what you do, but because of who you are. I love watching you play and have fun and tell jokes and come up with interesting projects. And I love to watch you learn and see you accomplish things in school and in life. But much, much more than that , I am proud of what a good person you are - how thoughtful and generous and kind. You're not perfect! But life is not about being perfect. And I hope that you're never afraid to make a mistake - as we all do - and learn from it, laugh it off and get better and better.

You are an incredibly smart boy - probably the smartest I have ever known. It may not always show up in your school grades (although I hope you'll always try your best to get good ones!) - but you have the kind of curiosity and creativity and charisma that will take you far in life. I may be hard on you sometimes, because that's my job - to be strong and a good role model and try to teach you how to be the best person you can be. But when, like now, I have a moment to think about it, I just beam with pride. You're already pretty great. You're an inspiration to me, and I feel privileged to be your father.

I love you with all my heart, and I always will. And not just because it's my job.

Dad

We're in this together now

2011-10-12T06:00:00.002-04:00

The first trailer has hit the Web for next year's Avengers movie and it looks pretty good. Lots of 'splosions and some quippy dialogue. Plus, you can't argue with the selection of Nine Inch Nails for the music. Enjoy.

Outlook tip of the week: turning off the 18-hour default alarm

2011-09-02T06:00:00.012-04:00

Like many of you, I’ve found one of the most frustrating things about Microsoft Outlook to be the hard-coded 18-hour default reminder for all-day meetings. An 18-hour reminder for an all-day Monday appointment, for example, means getting woken up by your smart phone at 6:00 AM on Sunday morning – not how you want your week to start!

Unfortunately, while the default reminder for appointments at specific times can be set to whatever time interval you would like (10 minutes? 15 minutes? half an hour?), all-day reminders will default to 18 hours every time. Although users have complained about this for years, the feature has remained in version after version of Outlook, including the one just installed on my shiny new laptop.

Unless your co-workers are all diligent, courteous and intelligent enough to remember to manually change the setting every time they schedule an all-day appointment (hint: they’re not), you will face this dilemma again and again. Manually checking your calendar on a regular basis will help, but some appointments may still slip by. And if your smart phone isn’t fully compatible with Outlook (and it probably isn’t), turning off the reminder in Outlook may not turn it off on the devices synced to it.

Luckily, I have discovered a quick and easy fix that will disable the 18-hour alarm feature permanently, affording you a few extra minutes of sleep every morning, and preventing anyone you invite to a meeting from wanting to skin you alive. I discovered the fix quite by accident this past weekend, and I am happy to report that it is both easy to replicate and 100% guaranteed to work.

First, while this technique can be executed at any time, it is really far more satisfying if you have just been woken up at 6:00 AM after getting only three hours of sleep. Besides the fact that this will put you in the right frame of mind to finally stab a knife through the belly of the beast, you will benefit (as you will see in a moment) from the adrenaline rush of being extra, extra pissed off.

The first step is to grip the offending instrument – be it cell phone, laptop or whatever – firmly with your dominant hand. If you are right-handed, for example, hold it with your right hand. This is important, because you need both strength and finesse.

The second step is optional, but highly recommended: yell at the top of your lungs. In fact, you should seriously think about screaming words so obscene that you will later have to apologize to your kids, neighbors and the police. Trust me, it will be worth it for the added adrenaline strength.

If you are on high ground, all the better, but if not, do not stop to climb. That arrangement should be made in advance or not at all, as climbing will quickly sap your strength, especially when you are sleep-deprived.

Next, and this is an important step: open a window. If you’re already outside, don’t do this. That would be silly.

Then, chuck that f***er at the ground with every fiber of strength in your body. If you are in full possession of your mental faculties, make sure to hit something hard. But in any case, whip it! Whip it good!

Don’t stop there, though. The final step is the clincher. Go get in your car and drive over it again and again until it is no longer recognizable. (This is where some foresight comes in handy: throw it on your driveway and you’ll save yourself a lot of future gardening work and/or community service time.)

That should solve the problem. Enjoy your Sunday mornings.

iPhone photo courtesy of magerleagues

Meet the planets: Luna

2011-08-30T06:00:00.037-04:00

Luna is our Solar System’s innermost satellite planet, and the only natural satellite of Earth. It is often simply called “the Moon,” but I prefer “Luna,” its Latin name, to distinguish it from all other natural satellites, which are also called “moons.” There are many other names around the world for this planet, including “Selene” (Greek), “Al-Quamar” (Arabic) and “Chandra” (Sanskrit).

Luna is believed to have formed just over 4.5 billion years ago when Theia, a hypothetical Mars-sized planet, collided with the still-forming Earth. Theia is believed to have been co-orbital with Earth, creating a low-speed impact that allowed Earth to absorb Theia’s core. However, some of the planetary material was ejected, and re-solidified in Earth’s orbit as the Moon.

Description

Luna is the 5th largest satellite planet and 14th largest planet in the Solar System overall. Luna is about a quarter of the diameter of Earth and 1/81 its mass: the largest satellite of a major planet relative to the planet it orbits. Having such a large companion, a second planet sharing its orbit, has been good for the Earth, giving it great stability over the eons and anchoring it against shifts in its orientation that could have produced radical climate change.

Luna is a Size-I planet, a little smaller than the smallest terrestrial planet (Mercury), but a little larger than the largest known dwarf planets (Eris and Pluto). Its diameter of 3,473 km (2,158 miles) is less than the width of the United States, reaching only from New York City to about Elko, Nevada. Its surface area is 37,930,000 sq km, which is about 7.4% of the Earth’s (roughly equal to the area of Africa and Australia combined). Gravity on the moon is 1/6 of that on Earth (16.7%).

Although we are used to seeing it in the sky every night, our moon is unique among all of the moons in our Solar System for many reasons. While we usually think of Luna as revolving around the Earth, both planets actually revolve around the center of gravity of the two planet system, a point located closer to Earth’s surface than to its center. More than any other moon, Luna behaves almost as an independent planet, its motion determined more by its revolution around the Sun than by its dance with the Earth. It revolves around the Earth not at the Earth’s equator, as with most moons, but near the plane of the Sun’s equator. Indeed, if the Earth were to suddenly disappear from existence, Luna would still be capable of dominating its orbit around the Sun and would easily be seen as a major planet in its own right.

Luna is affected by its larger companion in some ways, though. The most significant are the tidal forces, which have caused Luna to became “locked,” so that the same side always faces the Earth. This means that a day on the moon is equal to its revolution around the Earth, which takes about 27.3 days. However, since the Earth is also in motion around the Sun, it takes slightly longer – 29.5 days – for the same phase of the moon (for example, full moon to full moon) to be seen from Earth. (Likewise, the Earth appears to go through the same cycle every 29.5 days for those viewing from the near-side of Luna, but the phases are reversed: when Earthlings see a new moon, Lunarians see a full Earth, and vice-versa.) Its year is the same length as its companion’s (365.24 days), but Luna has almost no axial tilt, so it does not experience great seasonal variations as the Earth does. Its temperature varies from -233°C (-387°F) at night to 123°C (-253°F) during the day.

Luna’s composition resembles that of the other planets in the inner solar system. It is fully differentiated, with an iron-rich core surrounded by silicate rock. It has only the faintest of magnetospheres, not enough to provide significant protection from solar radiation. There is some evidence of water on the moon, but exactly how much is unknown. There is no liquid water or ice on the surface, where the solar radiation would cause it to rapidly dissipate. Presently, it does not appear likely that there is more than a trace amount underground, although there may yet be deposits at the poles.

Although it looks very bright to us on Earth, that is only because of its proximity, as Luna’s surface is actually quite dark, similar to coal. The darkest areas are the basaltic lava plains, called maria, which fill about a third of the near side (but only 2% of the far side). These lava fields were all formed billions of years ago, as Luna is not geologically active today. The remainder of the lunar surface is covered in lighter highlands, or terrae, which solidified from the molten magma ocean as Luna was forming. The entire surface, and especially the older terrae, is covered in impact craters made over billions of years. Because Luna is not geologically active and has almost no atmosphere, those craters have been preserved for eons.

Luna and Earth are separated by an average of only 384,399 km (238,854 miles). That’s the equivalent of circling the Earth at the equator 9.6 times. Luna is near enough that its large surface features can be discerned with the naked eye, and individual craters can be easily spotted with a telescope. By a coincidence, Luna’s relative size from Earth is almost exactly the same as the Sun’s, allowing Luna to completely eclipse the Sun when it is lined up directly between it and Earth.

Humans

Humans have been familiar with Luna from the very beginning, although its true nature was not understood until the 17th Century. The great familiarity Earthlings have with their moon often subdues their reaction to it, which should constantly be: “Oh my God! There’s a whole freaking planet in the sky!”

As humans became a spacefaring species, traveling to Luna became seen more and more as a possibility. On the evening of July 20, 1969, that dream was finally realized when U.S. astronaut Neil Armstrong became the first Earthling to set foot on another planet. His fitting first words back to Earth were: “This is one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” Five additional manned missions were made, the last one in 1976. No human has set foot on Luna since that time.

But we will.

The moon will be our first permanent home outside of Earth. In 1969, it took astronauts three days to reach Luna, and this time will be greatly reduced in the future. And communications between Earth and Luna take only three seconds, meaning that residents of Luna could be full participants in Earth culture.

The cost of manned missions between earth and Luna will also become more reasonable, especially once space elevators and other technologies reduce the burden of escaping Earth’s gravity. This will open up the moon to science, industry and space tourism. While Luna does not have many natural resources of interest to us, it does have deposits of helium that may prove valuable. Mostly, however, Luna will be useful as a low-gravity base from which to launch further space missions.

The effects of Luna’s low-gravity environment on human beings is not yet fully understood, but will be carefully studied as the first lunar crews rotate in and out. Other obstacles will also have to be overcome, such as dealing with the extremely abrasive lunar dust, nutrient-poor soil, and the lack of atmospheric protection from solar radiation and meteors. Eventually, however, science will develop solutions to all of these problems, further opening up human exploration of the cosmos.

Although industry may make it possible to give Luna a temporary atmosphere, it will not be sustainable over the long term due to solar radiation, and making it hospitable to humans may be more trouble than it is worth. More likely, any atmosphere created will be in the interest of providing additional protection against solar radiation, while human settlement will remain restricted to air-tight artificial complexes. Traditional agriculture may be possible in domed greenhouses near the poles where sunlight is constant, but the two-week long nights will make it nearly impossible elsewhere without artificial light. For farms, factories and settlements on the near side of Luna, those lights will be visible from Earth, so that future generations will finally think of Earth and Luna as a true two-planet system.

Aliens (speculative)

Luna is populated by the Posterions, a flat, silicon-based life form about a quarter-inch deep and up to four miles in diameter. Posterions are very slow-moving, combing the lunar surface inch by inch as they feed on nutrients deposited by the solar wind. Like deer in headlights, they freeze completely when in direct sunlight. This, coupled with their rocky appearance, makes them invisible to even the strongest Earth-based telescopes.

Although they have no appendages, no tools and no industry, they are extremely intelligent. Their advanced culture is based entirely on theory: while they have no concrete music, art or science, for example, they have philosophical discussions of all of these, and very complex (and also very wrong) theories about the nature of the Universe.

Until recently, the Posterions believed their rather large moon to be lifeless, under the mistaken belief that life could not exist near anything blue. They were proven wrong in 1969, when aliens arrived on their world and promptly drive a striped and starred spike through the heart of their theoretical supreme leader. The Posterions immediately began planning war upon the invaders. They spent the next several decades conceptualizing the ultimate weapon, and then – for the first time ever – actually moved beyond theory and built the device. On October 9, 2009, they aimed it at the Earth and prepared to fire, only to be hit by a preemptive attack from the U.S. under the guise of a NASA science experiment.

The Posterions’ activities since then are unknown, but according to U.S. government officials who wish to remain anonymous, the earth’s leading scientists believe a full-scale war is inevitable...

Me singing poorly

2011-08-19T06:00:00.001-04:00

Well, back when I posted the lyrics to my country song "Killin' Time," I promised I would record it. I have now sucked up my pride and humiliated myself to do just that. Enjoy.

Cheque roulette

2011-08-16T06:00:00.080-04:00

If you like a little risk, here is a fun way to add some excitement to a routine meal out. If you're at a bar or restaurant with friends or colleagues, suggest making it a little more interesting by playing "cheque roulette."

The rules are very simple: whoever gets served last pays the bill. If you're having drinks, the last one to be served his or her drink pays for that entire round. If you're having a meal, the last one served his or her entree pays the entire bill. (Oh, and no tampering with the waitress!)

Note that I didn't say it was smart; I just said it was fun if you can tolerate a little danger. (Or, of course, if you have an uncontrollable gambling problem!)

Since coming up with the idea, I've done it a few times - always with a group that could all afford to pay and at places where the bill would not be painfully high. I've gotten stuck with the bill a few times, but also gotten free lunch or drinks a few times, so it's been a wash.

Best of all, there's always been a lot of laughter involved - with the waiter/waitress both amused and bemused that his/her every action brings loud cheers and moans from the table. And really that's the whole point. There has to be something at stake to make it interesting, but even if you lower the stakes (loser gets the tip, loser has to sing a song, etc.), it's bound to add some mirth and merriment.

Entanglement chess

2011-08-12T06:00:00.078-04:00

In the past, neighboring countries would line up their armies and engage each other in a nice, predictable conflict. Lately, though, the wars we have been fighting have been messy affairs with no clear boundaries. With that in mind, I rearranged the classic chess board to better reflect the occupation vs. insurgency nature of the warfare we have grown used to. I hereby present to you "entanglement chess":

Rule changes:

Castling: the king (K) may swap places with the adjacent rook (R), provided neither piece has yet been moved. This is the only castling option.
Pawns (P) cannot move two spaces on their first move.
Pawns can move horizontally or vertically, but can still only attack diagonally.
Pawns cannot be promoted.

Alternate game piece names:

B - bishops or "air support"
K - king or "commander"
N - knights or "guerrilla fighters"
P - pawns or "infantry"
Q - queen or "special forces"
R - rooks or "armored division"

What's the plural of "platypus"?

2011-07-29T06:00:00.037-04:00

The word "platypus" is constructed from two Greek roots: "platys" means "flat," and "-pus" is related to "-pod" meaning "foot." The plural ending of Greek words ending in both "-pus" and "-pod" is "-podes."

However... "platypus" is NOT a Greek word, it is a modern word that was constructed in a "neo-Latin" fashion to be used n English and other languages. It is only constructed of Greek parts. So, this is where it gets messy.

For Latin words ending in "-us," we would end the plural in "-i." So a lot of people do that for "platypus" and "octopus," despite "platypi" and "octopi" not really making any sense from a historical perspective.

Those in the know about Greek like to end the plural in "-podes" ("platypodes," "octopodes") to make us feel smart - and yes, that includes me - even though it is so obscure that almost no one will understand what we are saying. We might as well be speaking Greek and we should be ashamed of ourselves. (But, whatever. That's probably not the only reason.)

Apparently, at least some people in Australia go the "sheep"/"sheep" route and don't change the word at all in the plural.

But the ACTUAL, proper way to pluralize the word - get this - is the same as for nearly all words in English: add "-es." That's right, the most accepted plural of the word is "platypuses." (Go ahead and check your dictionary and you'll see it's the first option listed.)

That being said, I propose we follow the "goose"/"geese" model and call them "platypeese" just to be different and confuse people - because language is by nature messy, and in this case I think it's still not yet quite messy enough.

Platypeese for everyone!

Photo courtesy of Thoughts to Avoid Homework To. Thanks to sephycloneno15 for the "playtpeese" recommendation.

It's not about the shield

2011-07-22T19:00:00.003-04:00

Other than Superman (which debuted in 1938) and Batman (1939), Captain America (1941) is the oldest comic book hero we've seen made into a blockbuster movie yet. And while, like the other two, he's undergone a lot of changes and been updated for modern times, the new Captain America movie is the first to make the decision to set its hero in the era of his creation. After watching the movie, it's not hard to see why.

At their core, the golden age superheroes were idealistic embodiments of simple values like truth and justice. If the formula was at times overly silly and simplistic, those underlying values were strong enough to make these heroes icons. Later superheroes would gain more depth and complexity, which led to a whole different kind of storytelling. But even as we grew more cynical and our heroes grew more flawed, those underlying ideals were the real engine behind not just superheroes but every kind of hero - cinematic or otherwise - that our culture created.

Back in the World War II era, there were less shades of gray: we were at war, and our enemy was truly evil. To combat that, we needed ideals and heroes that were truly good. And it is against that backdrop that Captain America is set. And because of that setting, we can put our modern cynicism aside and appreciate goodness and heroism for what they are.

And there is no one that better embodies goodness than Captain America. He may have a patriotic name, but early in the film it is made clear that it is his sense of right and wrong that makes him who he is, not blind patriotism. Chris Evans plays Captain America, whose real name is Steve Rogers, and turns in a wonderful and convincing performance. Rogers begins the movie so scrawny and weak that he is rejected by the army despite trying over and over to join so he can help the war effort, which he sees as his duty. As weak as he is, he is fearless and determined to do everything in his power to help. Eventually, he gets his chance thanks to an experimental procedure that transforms him into peak human physical condition.

Captain America is stronger and faster than normal people, but much weaker than most superheroes. Director Joe Johnston said that they tried to keep him grounded by capping his abilities at "the best Olympic athlete plus 20 percent." But it's not what he can do that makes Captain America a hero - he was already that before the transformation. The "super soldier serum" just gave him the ability to do what he was born to do. For me, the opening act of the film was the best, because the story was so strong. You really root for scrawny little Steve and cheer when he gets the chance he deserves.

But that victory doesn't last long, as the villains soon attack and Captain America has to prove his mettle. The second act is a bit choppy - they cover a lot of ground (three years by my reckoning), and at times it causes you lose some connection to the story. But that isn't to say it isn't interesting. Certain scenes are priceless, such as when Captain America uncomfortably agrees to join a USO stage show. (Trust me, it sounds dumb, but it's a charming segue.) And even though things are blazing by, we do get certain essential details. My one real complaint is that a scene that should have been poignant goes by so fast that it doesn't really register emotionally.

The third act is the final confrontation between Cap and his arch-nemesis, the Red Skull. Hugo Weaving is wonderful as the power-mad evil genius, who is even creepier and evil than he looks. The movie does a wonderful job of setting him up as the ultimate bad guy, even more powerful than the Nazi regime that he abandons, and shows that he has the power and just enough crazy to take over the entire world if not stopped. He's such an awesome bad guy that I wish this movie would have been at least half an hour longer and all of that would have been Red Skull screen time.

Without giving too much away, I'll just say that there was genuine emotion in the final act. It was exciting to be sure, but even more than that it was good storytelling. And while his enhanced strength and agility helped get him there, in the end it is what's inside Steve Rogers - that selfless goodness - that saves the day.

The bittersweet epilogue is far too brief, but brought a tear to my eye. And the post-credits scene made me excited for the next chapter to the marvel saga next May. By the way, those who complain about this movie being a commercial for The Avengers really missed the point. These Marvel movies are all chapters in a larger saga, but they also really stand on their own. And perhaps none more so than this one.

The special effects were good, but downplayed. The set designs were gorgeous. There were subtle nods to Star Wars and Raiders of the Lost Ark (two franchises where Johnston cut his teeth as an art director in the '70s and '80s), as well as Easter eggs for loyal comic book readers. And the supporting performances were all really, really good. In the end, this was a feel-good summer movie, heavy on action and escapism, but with a compelling story underlying it all. And a character that represents the best in all of us, American or otherwise.

Captain America is the best superhero movie since the first Iron Man. My rating: ***** five stars (essential). Go see it! (In 2D, of course.)

Alien robot zombie alphabet

2011-07-21T06:00:00.002-04:00

Alien Bandit Cowboy Dragon Elf Fireball Ghost Hunter Insectoid Jetfighter Kung-fu Laserbeam Mutant Ninja Overlord Pirate Quake Robot Shark Tornado Underworld Vampire Wizard Xiphoid* Yeti Zombie

* xiphoid = sword-shaped

Our first BIG asteroid: welcome to Vesta

2011-07-16T09:00:00.006-04:00

This is Vesta - from a photo taken July 9 from a distance of about 41,000 kilometers (26,000 miles), closer than we have ever gotten to an asteroid of this size.

At approximately 1:00 AM Eastern Daylight Time this morning, the NASA Dawn space craft entered orbit around the size-M planetoid. For the next year, it will continue to orbit Vesta and reveal its secrets to us. Why did it never advance from protoplanet to a larger body? How has it been affected by the collision that removed a huge chunk at its southern pole?

Then Dawn will venture to another asteroid, the largest of them all, size-L Ceres - which has officially been named an official dwarf planet by the IAU.

Considering that the asteroids are likely future mining colonies for the human race, this is exciting. Although it is buried behind the story of the last Space Shuttle mission, this is the most important thing NASA is doing right now, and history will look back on this day as monumental.

Photo courtesy of NASA.

UPDATE: Here is the first photo from orbit of the 530 km (330 mile) diameter protoplanet:

UPDATE: Here are two more wonderful photos and a video from NASA. The first photo shows a close-up of the asteroid's southern polar region. The second is a great, full-frame detail shot. If you look to the left of the second photo, you'll see the three-crater formation that has been nicknamed the "snowman."

Icons of embiggenment

2011-07-05T06:00:00.000-04:00

After adding a photo collection of the icons of douchebaggery, the worst of humankind, I felt it only appropriate to show our better side as well. Therefore I give you the icons of embiggenment, because, in the words of Jebediah Springfield, "A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man." Among those included are:

Albert Einstein
Jackie Robinson
Marie Curie
Rosa Parks
Bob Marley
Abraham Lincoln
Steve Jobs
Pablo Picasso
...and many more!

Click through and check out the whole list.

So what do you think? Who is missing? Leave your nominations in the comments below.

Icons of douchebaggery

2011-07-01T06:00:00.001-04:00

First, I started a photo collection of the icons of badassery, then I added a second collection of the icons of buffoonery. Now I have added a third gallery: the icons of douchebaggery. These are the pricks we love to hate, including...

Biff Tannen
Dr. Zaius
Boss Hogg
Eddie Haskell
Kanye West
Nazis
...and more!

Click through and check out the whole list.

So what do you think? Who is missing? Leave your nominations in the comments below.

Steal this idea, Hollywood: Not your average nightly news...

2011-06-28T06:00:00.000-04:00

Here is an idea I have for a weekly television program. Call it "The National News" and make it look exactly like a network nightly news show. In the beginning, actually have the anchors cover some ordinary news that happened that day. but also mix in a bunch of weird stuff, saying things like: "Authorities aren't sure what caused..." Some of it is really freaky and thought-provoking.

Over time, we get more "amateur footage," some investigative journalism and competing theories about these strange phenomena. Including some interviews with crazy scientists (one with theories about aliens, another about government conspiracies, etc.), nutty religious leaders calling it the apocalypse, etc. Also, we get some clips of the President talking - out of context, of course. Other famous people could cameo as themselves. Overall, production costs are kept kind low, because the special effects need to look grainy to be mysterious.

Then (during sweeps) we get lucky and some clear footage emerges, and we see that's it's... superheroes! Or aliens! Or, what the hell, both! And let's throw in some robots while we're at it. And a zombie plague. And somebody who brings dinosaurs back to life. And... well, you get the point. It's some very wild stuff, and it's actually happening and building in momentum, and the world is turning into a comic book right before our eyes.

Eventually, it becomes what the news would be every night if the world became that crazy. We get summaries of the amazing things happening in the world. And we get to see breaking footage as something heroic is happening. We get to know the characters that save the day as the news cameras capture them in action, and maybe even get them to sit down for an interview. But it's all told from the everyman point-of-view: how you and I would react if this shit was real.

Full disclosure: this idea borrows heavily from Kurt Busiek's Marvels (beautifully illustrated by Alex Ross), but that was a great comic book mini-series. And I think the concept would make a great TV series. Step up, Hollywood!

Images courtesy of Futurama, Alex Ross.

I'll probably never get a Red Tornado movie now...

2011-06-24T06:00:00.058-04:00

I recently wrote about what the future might hold for Warner Brothers Studios and DC Comics if they could get their act together and start making quality movies with their secondary characters, instead of just relying on Superman and Batman.

As it turns out, they can't. The Green Lantern movie that was just released has been almost universally panned by critics and is underperforming at the box office. With a $200 million production budget and $100 million marketing campaign, Green Lantern represented a big investment and a big gamble for Warner/DC. By all accounts, the special effects were dazzling and the cast was pretty strong - especially Ryan Reynolds (as the human Green Lantern, Hal Jordan) and Mark Strong (as one of the alien Green Lanterns, Sinestro). So what went wrong?

There are a lot of factors that can be blamed. Certainly the script and directing were not up to par. And, let's face it, Green Lantern is one of the more ridiculous superheroes. But it comes down to one thing: the studio did not have faith in the character.

If they would have, they would have taken Marvel's approach. Rather than making "the Star Wars of superhero movies," as they said they were trying to do (little did we know they meant Episode I), they should have been trying to make the Green Lantern of superhero movies.

The fact is, the public isn't tired of superhero movies anymore than they're tired of action, science fiction or romantic comedies. They're just tired of bad superhero movies. Just as in every other genre, studios too often try to take the safe path and make a movie with broad appeal. This is a death warrant for any movie, because what ultimately brings people to theaters is originality and compelling storytelling.

That is amplified in a superhero movie. Let's face it: comic books are not nuanced. There is no deep subtext there, just a very simple, very familiar premise. Each character may have its own unique, over-the-top spin on the genre, but they all ultimately live and die on their storytelling.

Marvel Studios gets it: they keep the budget modest but take extra care to have a story that does justice to the character, and match it to a director that can bring that unique vision to life. Thor mat not have been the best movie ever (although my eight-year-old thinks so), but it was a solid, four-star movie that managed to dazzle and delight with a relatively modest budget. It's a movie I want to see again, and I eagerly await the next installment.

Warner Brothers still hasn't figured it out. They lucked out by having a writer-director with vision like Christopher Nolan helm the Batman franchise. But they don't seem to appreciate the chances that Nolan took to make that work. They still don't know what they've got.

And that's sad, because what they've got is an amazing collection of characters and stories stretching back to before World War II. Green Lantern deserved better. Yes, he's ridiculous, but so is Thor. So is Superman, for that matter. But if you were committed to telling a good story, you could take an even more ridiculous character and make an amazing movie.

Heck, I would pay to see a Red Tornado movie if it was done right!

So here's a new strategy for Warner Brothers: 1) Strike a deal with DreamWorks or a similar animation studio. 2) Make sure you leave talented people in charge who are passionate about the source material. 3) Task them to create a series of family-friendly CGI films (a la The Incredibles and the TV show Batman: The Brave and the Bold) staring with The Justice League. (This plays to DC's strengths - their classic stories are more cartoonish than Marvel's - and ensures a built-in, superhero-crazy audience of eight-year-olds and their dads.) 4) Get out of the way.

Making baseball more major league

2011-06-21T06:00:00.005-04:00

Major League Baseball is considering moving either Arizona or Houston from the National League to the American League. That would give the two leagues 15 teams each and ensure interleague play every day of the season.

I agree the unbalanced divisions are unwieldy, but the proposed solution just trades today's problems for tomorrow's. I have a better idea.

Why not split into five "leagues" of six teams each. That way everything would be balanced. We could take the old (1969-1993) East-West division alignments as a starting point, with just a few tweaks, and slot in the expansion teams since then:

AMERICAN LEAGUE
Baltimore
Boston
Cleveland
Detroit
NY Yankees
Toronto

NATIONAL LEAGUE
Chicago Cubs
Milwaukee
NY Mets
Philadelphia
Pittsburgh
St. Louis

PACIFIC LEAGUE
Arizona
Colorado
LA Dodgers
San Diego
San Francisco
Seattle

SOUTHERN LEAGUE
Atlanta
Cincinnati
Florida
Houston
Tampa Bay
Washington

WESTERN LEAGUE
Chicago White Sox
Kansas City
LA Angels
Minnesota
Oakland
Texas

In this scenario, the leagues could each choose whether or not to use the Designated Hitter. (I'm guessing "yes" for the AL and WL, and "no" for the rest.) Interleague play is increased (each league plays two of the other four leagues each year on a rotating basis), but down the stretch everyone plays their own so we can have exciting pennant races. And in the playoffs, we get the five league winners (one less than today's division winners) and three wildcards (one more than today), all seeded together to increase the likelihood that the two best teams reach the finals. Plus, the shake-up would generate buzz and interest in the game, while really not messing much with traditional rivalries.

And as far as the All-Star game goes, how about fan picks vs. manager picks? That would be a great way for us to see all the fan favorites, as well as be introduced to some unheralded heroes on the big stage.

Making hockey more provincial

2011-06-17T06:00:00.199-04:00

After a thrilling Stanley Cup finals, the NHL must now turn its attention to the next task at hand: figuring out what to do with the new Winnipeg team now that it has relocated from Atlanta. Atlanta is currently in the Southeast Division, and for those of you who don't know (and if not, shame on you!), Winnipeg is definitely not in the southeast. Several ideas have been tossed around about how to realign, but they all suffer the same fatal flaw: under the current six-division structure, at least one Eastern time zone team like Detroit or Columbus will end up playing in the Western Conference.

Actually, it is not just the misplaced Eastern teams that have it rough. The NHL is the most geographically imbalanced major sports league - with the majority of its teams concentrated in the northeast - and because of that, the rest of the league has a pretty awful travel situation. There are only four NHL teams in the Pacific time zone, four in Mountain time, six in Central (it was only five before Atlanta moved to Winnipeg), and the rest in the East.

I have looked at the problem from multiple angles, and I think I've come up with the only sensible solution. The problem is that the NHL is trying to cram 30 teams into the same two-conference structure that other leagues use. But hockey has always been different, and that's part of its charm. So the best solution is to make it even more different, even more provincial, and make the bold move to not two but four conferences.

The new conferences would allow teams to clump together more easily along natural geographic lines that would reduce travel. It would also have the benefit of intensifying rivalries, which has a history of success in hockey. Here is how I would recommend dividing the league:

ATLANTIC CONFERENCE
Carolina
Florida
New Jersey
NY Islanders
NY Rangers
Philadelphia
Tampa Bay
Washington

CENTRAL CONFERENCE
Chicago
Dallas
Detroit
Minnesota
Nashville
St. Louis
Winnipeg

NORTHEAST CONFERENCE
Boston
Buffalo
Columbus
Montreal
Ottawa
Pittsburgh
Toronto

PACIFIC CONFERENCE
Anaheim
Calgary
Colorado
Edmonton
Los Angeles
Phoenix
San Jose
Vancouver

Each team would play all of their conference rivals five or six times per season, and each of the other teams twice each. (Under the current structure, some non-conference teams are only played once, which means West Coast fans may miss the opportunity to see Sidney Crosby in person, for example.) In the playoffs, the top four teams from each conference would battle in the opening rounds, similar to how the league operated from 1981-1993. The four conference champs would be re-seeded for the semi-finals, helping to ensure that the best teams meet in the finals. (As for the All-Star game, it would return to the North America vs. World format that it flirted with a few years ago.)

If this structure were in place this year, this is how the playoffs might have gone:

ATLANTIC
(1) Washington over (4) NY Rangers
(3) Tampa Bay over (2) Philadelphia
Conference finals: Tampa Bay over Washington.

CENTRAL
(1) Detroit over (4) Dallas
(2) Nashville over (3) Chicago
Conference finals: Detroit over Nashville

NORTHEAST
(4) Buffalo over (1) Pittsburgh
(2) Boston over (3) Montreal
Conference finals: Boston over Buffalo

PACIFIC
(1) Vancouver over (4) Phoenix
(2) San Jose over (3) Anaheim
Conference finals: Vancouver over San Jose

SEMI-FINALS
(1) Vancouver over (4) Detroit
(2) Boston over (3) Tampa Bay

STANLEY CUP FINALS
Boston over Vancouver

Most importantly, fans across the NHL would have seen highly relevant, geographic rivalries in the early rounds on a fairly consistent basis, helping fuel interest in both hockey-crazed and hockey-confused NHL cities alike.

It probably won't save struggling Phoenix or Nashville, but hockey-crazed Quebec City and Hamilton, Ontario beckon for them. In the meantime, this proposed realignment should make the remaining teams stronger and reduce the overall travel burden. Game on!

What will DC / Warner Brothers do next?

2011-06-14T06:00:00.001-04:00

A while back, I wrote about the success Marvel Studios has seen with their character-driven, shared-universe superhero movies (of which I have become a big fan), and speculated about what we might see from them in the future. If they so desired, rival comics company DC (which is owned by Warner Brothers) has just as rich a catalog of super beings that it could use to create its own shared universe.

The DC / Warner Brothers track record isn’t as strong as Marvel’s lately, with only Christopher Nolan’s Batman series achieving critical and box office success, but the Green Lantern movie that opens this weekend could change that if it manages to launch this little-known character into its own franchise. And just as Marvel will bring together its various franchises into The Avengers next year, DC has hinted that they will develop their own team-up movie for 2013, featuring its greatest heroes, including Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern and more. Assuming this is true, and that the success of The Avengers convinces DC to follow a similar path, we could be seeing two DC movies per year starting in 2014.

Here are the movies that have either been released already or are in the works, which could become part of that shared universe:

2005

Batman Begins

2008

The Dark Knight

2011

Green Lantern

2012

The Dark Knight Rises
Superman: Man of Steel

DC / Warner has had a lot of flops, but if they can match Marvel’s formula for success, here are the additional films we could see from them for the rest of this decade:

2013

The Justice League – While Nolan’s Batman trilogy took place in a world without superpowers, I would keep it as part of the continuity, evolving the character and his world instead of completely rebooting the franchise. That would make Batman the elder statesman of this team-up movie, and explain why this ‘ordinary man” is able to stand toe-to-toe with these extraordinary beings. Even if they don’t use Christian Bale as Batman, I hope they will hint that Nolan’s trilogy is still valid. The movie should also exist in the same world as Green Lantern, although they could use an alternate Green Lantern like Jon Stewart instead of the Hal Jordan character played by Ryan Reynolds in this year’s movie.

2014

Wonder Woman – One of DC’s “big three” (along with Superman and Batman), Wonder Woman deserves her own movie franchise. But don’t expect it to be campy like the Linda Carter TV show. Today’s Wonder Woman is a fierce warrior who is not afraid to shed blood. We should have a taste of this in The Justice League, where her sense of morality will clash with Superman’s.
Green Lantern 2 – Hal Jordan is back, and Sinestro turns evil.

2015

The Flash – One of the coolest of all the superheroes, this should be a fun, action-packed origin story for the world’s fastest man, with ground-breaking special effects to show the high-speed action: I suggest every scene happens in real time from one camera angle, and then another angle shows it to us slowed down so that the Flash looks normal speed.
Superman 2 – Go cosmic in this installment, and eventually let us see Darkseid. But Superman can’t defeat him on his own, which sets up…

2016

The Justice League 2 – The heroes travel to Apokolips to battle Darkseid and his minions.
Aquaman – I’ve written about this before: Aquaman all too often seems like the lamest superhero, but there’s a ton of potential here if done right.

2017

Batman 4 – Christopher Nolan has said he won’t be back to direct, but this franchise is too good to die. Please keep the spirit of Nolan’s films, and keep the super-human elements to a minimum.
Green Lantern 3 – Star Sapphire is the villain in this one.

2018

Superman 3 – Lex Luthor can take more of the stage here, but he should be menacing and should put Superman in harm’s way, with lots of action. And Superman should get his ass handed to him – but no kryptonite!
Wonder Woman 2 – Again, make her badass. That is all.

2019

Green Arrow: Escape from Super Max – This long-rumored film features the Green Arrow, who has been wrongfully imprisoned in a high-security jail for super-villains. With no super powers of his own, he must find a way to battle the baddies, break out and save the world.
The Justice League 3 – Keep the franchise going with another Earth-saving, action-packed movie.

2020

Batman 5 – Introduce Robin in this one as a Batman emulator who’s good enough to actually be a hero on his own. He never becomes Batman’s sidekick, but does earn his respect.
Adam Strange – Some good, Flash Gordon-style space camp – plus superheroes.

2021

Teen Titans – Robin gets his own team in a film that will hopefully capture the magic of the Marv Wolfman / George Perez comics of the early 1980s.
Superman 4 – One word: Brainiac.

Super summer showdown: conclusion

2011-06-10T06:00:00.004-04:00

Well, that all seemed like a waste of time! Marvel won, but only barely: DC was definitely within the margin of error. The two were virtually tied in heroes, Marvel held a slight advantage in anti-heroes, and DC held a slight advantage in villains.

Personally, I think DC has slightly better top heroes, and Marvel has more depth – but the truth is they’re both good. Let’s hope they keep making comic books, and more importantly comic book movies, for a long time.

Finally, just for fun, here are my votes for the top 20 heroes and villains from these universes. As you can see, DC holds the top spot in both charts, while Marvel has a slight edge in numbers. Again, pretty much a wash.

Top 20 Superheroes

1. Batman (DC)
2. Wolverine (Marvel)
3. Spiderman (Marvel)
4. Superman (DC)
5. The Flash (DC)
6. Iron Man (Marvel)
7. Captain America (Marvel)
8. Green Lantern (DC)
9. Hulk (Marvel)
10. Wonder Woman (DC)
11. The Thing (Marvel)
12. Thor (Marvel)
13. Daredevil (Marvel)
14. Robin (DC)
15. The Human Torch (Marvel)
16. Silver Surfer (Marvel)
17. Martian Manhunter (DC)
18. Hawkeye (Marvel)
19. Green Arrow (DC)
20. Black Panther (Marvel)

Top 20 Supervillains

1. The Joker (DC)
2. Magneto (Marvel)
3. Lex Luthor (DC)
4. Doctor Doom (Marvel)
5. Darkseid (DC)
6. Galactus (Marvel)
7. Venom (Marvel)
8. Juggernaut (Marvel)
9. Ra’s al Ghul (DC)
10. Black Adam (DC)
11. The Green Goblin (Marvel)
12. Brainiac (DC)
13. Bane (DC)
14. Apocalypse (Marvel)
15. Solomon Grundy (DC)
16. Doctor Octopus (Marvel)
17. Gorilla Grodd (DC)
18. Thanos (Marvel)
19. Kingpin (Marvel)
20. The Rhino (Marvel)

Super summer showdown, round eleven: the agents of chaos

2011-06-09T06:00:00.017-04:00

In this final round, we see a bunch of villains who, in the words of Batman’s butler Alfred, “just want to watch the world burn.” For the heroes, that makes them unpredictable and dangerous. For us, the observers, that makes them a blast.

Contest #101: The Joker (DC) vs. The Green Goblin (Marvel)

The Joker is the ultimate psychopath, a brilliant but insane villain who finds humor in others’ misfortune. He doesn’t have a single superpower – he just knows how to push all the right buttons. The Green Goblin is also insane, but has a few more gadgets up his sleeve. For him, it’s Halloween every day as he rides around on a flying scooter throwing “pumpkin bombs.” Winner: The Joker. He was already a pretty versatile bad guy, but Heath Ledger’s performance of him in The Dark Knight put him over the top as the best comic book villain ever.

Contest #102: Obsidian (DC) vs. Venom (Marvel)

Obsidian is the mentally unstable son of the original, World War II era Green Lantern – the one who wears red and whose weakness is wood, not the one who wears green and whose weakness is the color yellow. (Uh… just trust me on that…) He has the power to merge with his shadow and send tendrils of it out to envelop people, among other things. Venom is one of Marvel’s most interesting villains, even though it was portrayed horribly in Spiderman 3. It is an alien symbiote that merges with its host, forming a kind of black, skin-like covering. Once attached, the creature enhances its host with special powers. Oh, and turns the host evil. Winner: Venom.

Contest #103: Poison Ivy (DC) vs. The Enchantress (Marvel)

Poison Ivy is a botanist supervillain who can control plants. She can also use plant toxins to hypnotioze men and bend them to her will, The Enchantress is one of Thor’s Asgardian kin, who – among other things – uses magic to bend men to her will. Winner: Poison Ivy.

Contest #104: The Riddler (DC) vs. Arcade (Marvel)

The Riddler is a crook who seems less interested in getting rich than in leaving elaborate but solvable riddle clues that allow Batman to ultimately thwart him. Arcade is a crook who seems to only be interested in creating elaborate, carnival-ride-like death traps for heroes to ultimately escape from. Winner: The Riddler.

Contest #105: Black Manta (DC) vs. Mole Man (Marvel)

Black Manta is one of Aquaman’s arch-nemeses, a man with a super-powered diving suit and an irrational desire to conquer Atlantis. Mole Man is a man who fled underground from the world that he perceived had betrayed him, periodically returning with a horde of subterranean goons to try to conquer the surface and exact his vengeance. Winner: Black Manta. His ellipsoidal diving helmet is much cooler than Mole Man’s thick 3D-glasses look

Contest #106: Cyborg Superman (DC) vs. Ultron (Marvel)

Cyborg Superman is a villain who is half machine and half organic replica of Superman. (What did you think he would be?) When Doomsday (temporarily) killed Superman, Cyborg Superman claimed to be the real deal and cuased all kinds of mischief. Ultron is a bad Skynet prototype: a virtually indestructible robot originally built by Hank Pym (Ant-Man) to aid humanity, who instead decided to destroy it. Winner: Ultron.

Contest #107: Harley Quinn (DC) vs. Crossbones (Marvel)

These are two of the better recent additions to DC and Marvel’s rogues galleries. Harley Quinn is a disciple of the Joker who dresses like a harlequin jester and uses her expertise in psychoanalysis to create chaos. Crossbones is a disciple of the Red Skull who dresses like a member of Slip Knot and uses his military expertise to create chaos. Winner: Harley Quinn.

Contest #108: Two-Face (DC) vs. Sebastian Shaw (Marvel)

Two-Face is a former respectable district attorney who was driven mad by an accident that left him scarred on half of his face. Having turned to crime, he prefers to leave a lot to chance – flipping a coin to make crucial decisions, such as, for example, whether he’ll let someone live or die. Sebastian Shaw, portrayed by Kevin Bacon in the new X-Men: First Class movie, is a mutant who absorbs kinetic energy to increase his own strength. On the surface, he is a respectable businessman, but secretly he’s the head of the Hellfire Club, a secret organization seeking world domination. Winner: Two-Face.

Contest #109: Professor Zoom (DC) vs. Speed Demon (Marvel)

An evil version of the Flash, Professor Zoom (also known as the Reverse-Flash) has been a constant thorn in his counterpart’s side. Speed Demon (also known, unfortunately, as the Whizzer) is pretty similar but less of a fixture in his universe. Winner: Professor Zoom.

Contest #110: Mr. Mxyzptlk (DC) vs. Loki (Marvel)

Mr. Mxyzptlk is a magical imp from another dimension who shows up periodically just to give Superman trouble. The only way to banish this Great Gazoo prototype back to his own dimension is to make him say his own name backwards. (“Kltpzyxm,” in case you’re wondering. Simple, eh?) Loki is Thor’s adopted brother who harbors a huge chip on his shoulder against his sibling. The “God of Mischief,” a master of magic, shows up periodically just to give Thor trouble. Winner: Loki. He wins this contest hands down, even before Tom Hiddleston’s winning portrayal in Thor.

Round eight score: A big leap for DC, but not quite enough – DC 7, Marvel 3. Cumulative score: DC 54, Marvel 56.

Next: the thrilling conclusion!

Super summer showdown, round ten: crooks and thugs

2011-06-08T06:00:00.019-04:00

You know, sometimes a villain doesn’t have to be a galaxy-conqueror to be fun. Sometimes, all he has to have is a bad attitude and a gimmick.

Contest #91: The Shark (DC) vs. The Rhino (Marvel)

The Shark is a mutated shark in humanoid form (which, for some reason, means his dorsal fin is on his head instead of his back) with telepathy, the ability to shoot energy bolts and a host of other powers. The Rhino is a dimwitted bruiser with a rhino suit permanently affixed to his skin, giving him enough super strength to tussle with the Hulk, plus some wicked horns on his head. Winner: The Rhino – an underappreciated villain if there ever was one!

Contest #92: Bizarro (DC) vs. Carnage (Marvel)

Bizarro is a twisted version of Superman (actually a clone) with similar powers. Carnage is a twisted version of Spiderman (actually an alien) with even stronger powers. Winner: Bizarro.

Contest #93: Man-Bat (DC) vs. Vulture (Marvel)

Man-Bat is a half-man, half-bat mutation with webbed arms that let him fly. The Vulture is a bald human crook that uses a feathered super suit to fly. Winner: Vulture.

Contest #94: Cheetah (DC) vs. Lady Deathstrike (Marvel)

In recent years, the Cheetah has gone from just being a woman in a costume to having super powers rivaling those of her arch-enemy Wonder Woman. But she’s still basically a woman in a cheetah costume. Lady Deathstrike is a mutant with powers similar to Wolverine, with long, razor sharp fingernails. Winner: Cheetah. Sometimes the simple ideas are the better ones.

Contest #95: Mister Freeze (DC) vs. Electro (Marvel)

Mister Freeze is a scientist whose body was mutated by chemicals so that he can only survive at sub-zero temperatures. He wears a special suit to keep himself cold and uses a freeze gun. Electro is a master of electricity who gained his powers after being struck by lightning while working on a power line. (For you and I, that would give us the mystical power of being dead.) Winner: Mister Freeze.

Contest #96: Solomon Grundy (DC) vs. The Sentinels (Marvel)

Solomon Grundy is the ultimate super-zombie, who keeps coming back no matter how many times you kill him. The Sentinels are mutant hunting robots, who keep coming back no matter how many times the X-Men dismantle them. Winner: Solomon Grundy.

Contest #97: Amazo (DC) vs. Super-Skrull (Marvel)

Amazo is a pointy-eared android who can mimic the powers of any superhero. The Super-Skrull is an alien shape shifter who can mimic the powers of any member of the Fantastic Four. Winner: Amazo.

Contest #98: Deadshot (DC) vs. Bullseye (Marvel)

Two assassins for hire that never miss. Both are skilled in a wide variety of weapons. Bullseye gets bonus points for slitting a man’s throat with a well-aimed playing card. Also, he killed Elektra in front of Daredevil. (She didn’t stay dead, of course.) Winner: Bullseye.

Contest #99: Doomsday (DC) vs. Juggernaut (Marvel)

Doomsday is a Kryptonian monster, a virtually unstoppable force that desires only to kill. He and Superman once beat each other to death. (They didn’t stay dead, of course.) The Juggernaut is a man who possesses a magic gem that makes him a truly unstoppable force. In addition to super strength and invulnerability, once in motion he cannot physically be stopped against his will. Not by anything. Winner: Juggernaut. Killing Superman is pretty impressive, but the Juggernaut is more awesome still.

Contest #100: Killer Croc (DC) vs. The Lizard (Marvel)

Killer Croc is a human villain with a mutation that has progressively turned him reptilian: starting as just scaly skin and eventually including super strength, regeneration and other abilities. The Lizard is a surgeon who developed a serum from reptiles to grow back his severed arm. The serum worked, but unfortunately turned him reptilian in the process, giving him super strength, regeneration and other abilities. Oh, and a burning hatred for humankind. Winner: The Lizard.

Round eleven score: This round was even – DC 5, Marvel 5. Cumulative score: DC 47, Marvel 53.

One round to go!

Super summer showdown, round nine: the schemers

2011-06-07T06:00:00.012-04:00

This batch of villains may not possess the near-infinite power of the last batch, but they’re crafty and they just might take over the world anyway.

Contest #81: Lex Luthor (DC) vs. Doctor Doom (Marvel)

Lex Luthor is Superman’s biggest nemesis, a villain who is smart enough to stand toe-to-toe with the Man of Steel without having any super powers whatsoever. Despite being a major baddie, he became President of the United States of America. Dr. Doom is the Fantastic Four’s biggest nemesis, a super-smart, super-powerful villain and ruler of the fictional European nation of Latveria. Winner: Lex Luthor. Did I mention he was the President? That trumps ruler of Latveria any day!

Contest #82: Ra’s al Ghul (DC) vs. Red Skull (Marvel)

Ra’s al Ghul is one of Batman’s most persistent enemies, the seemingly immortal head of the League of Assassins. The Red Skull is one of Captain America’s most persistent enemies, the seemingly immortal head of Hydra. Winner: Ra’s al Ghul.

Contest #83: Sinestro (DC) vs. Magneto (Marvel)

Sinestro is a former Green Lantern whose differing moral views have led him down a different path. He can control the yellow energy of fear. Magneto is a mutant and sometime ally of the X-Men, whose differing moral views have led him down a different path. He can control any metal object. Winner: Magneto.

Contest #84: Professor Hugo Strange (DC) vs. Kingpin (Marvel)

Hugo Strange is a creepy, bald crime lord who wears big-rimmed glasses. He was smart enough to figure out Batman’s secret identity and use it against him. The Kingpin is a beefy, bald crime lord who wears white suits. He was smart enough to figure out Daredevil’s secret identity and use it against him. Winner: Kingpin.

Contest #85: Mongul (DC) vs. The Mandarin (Marvel)

Mongul is an alien overlord with vast powers and a racially insensitive name. The Mandarin is an Iron Man archenemy with ten magic rings and a racially insensitive name. Winner: The Mandarin.

Contest #86: Hector Hammond (DC) vs. The Leader (Marvel)

Hector Hammond is a villain with a giant head who uses his genius, telepathy and telekinesis to fight Green Lantern. The Leader is a villain with a giant green head who uses his genius, telepathy and telekinesis to fight the Hulk. Winner: The Leader.

Contest #87: Penguin (DC) vs. Doctor Octopus (Marvel)

The Penguin is a brilliant (but out of shape) criminal mastermind who uses trick umbrellas to fight Batman. Doctor Octopus is a brilliant (but out of shape) scientist who uses telescopic robotic prostheses to fight Spiderman. Winner: Doctor Octopus.

Contest #88: Scarecrow (DC) vs. Mysterio (Marvel)

The Scarecrow has a scary mask and uses fear gas to incapacitate his opponents. Mysterio is a special effects master who uses illusions to make his opponents lose their grip on reality. Winner: Mysterio.

Contest #89: Gorilla Grodd (DC) vs. Baron Zemo (Marvel)

Gorilla Grodd is a genius, telepathic gorilla with plans to conqueror the world. Baron Zemo is a genius neo-Nazi with a ski mask permanently attached to his face who plans to conqueror the world. Winner: Gorilla Grodd.

Contest #90: Brainiac (DC) vs. MODOK (Marvel)

Brainiac is an evil alien robot with incredible intelligence who tussles with Superman on occasion. MODOK (Mental Organism Designed Only for Killing) is an evil mutant with a giant head and incredible intelligence who wrecks a little havoc in the world on occasion. Winner: Brainiac.

Round ten score: A small gain for Marvel – DC 4, Marvel 6. Cumulative score: DC 42, Marvel 48.

Super summer showdown, round eight: the masters of evil

2011-06-06T06:00:00.015-04:00

In the last round, we shifted from heroic to slightly shady, and now we plunge head-first into evil. These villains are the most powerful in their respective universes, mad despots who want to conquer and / or consume the world.

Contest #71: Darkseid (DC) vs. Apocalypse (Marvel)

Darkseid is the ruler of the planet Apokalips, who uses his god-like power and devastating Omega Beam to try to rid the universe of free will. Apocalypse is an immortal mutant who uses his god-like power and alien technology to conquer the Earth. Winner: Darkseid.

Contest #72: Anti-Monitor (DC) vs. Dormammu (Marvel)

The Anti-Monitor was a threat to the entire Justice League, who obliterated the Multiverse, leaving only one out of an infinite number of universes remaining. Dormammu is Doctor Strange’s main baddie, a demon of enormous power whose has caused entire other dimensions to be swallowed up by his own, thereby increasing his dominion and power. Winner: Anti-Monitor.

Contest #73: Despero (DC) vs. Stryfe (Marvel)

Despero is a cool, demonic-looking alien tyrant with phenomenal power who tries to conquer Earth. Stryfe is a mutant clone from the future with phenomenal power who conquers Earth in the future and travels back in time to try to conquer it in the present. Winner: Despero.

Contest #74: General Zod (DC) vs. Thanos (Marvel)

Zod is a villain from Superman’s home planet Krypton. He has much the same powers as Superman and tries to use them to conquer Earth. Thanos is an alien who uses the magic Infinity Gauntet to try to destroy half the universe. Winner: Thanos.

Contest #75: Parallax (DC) vs. Dracula (Marvel)

Parallax is the embodiment of fear, a bug-like alien energy creature who poses a major threat to the Green Lantern Corps. Dracula is Dracula. Winner: Parallax. Marvel actually does a pretty good job modernizing the king of all vampires, but Dracula is still done to death. Originality wins.

Contest #76: Trigon (DC) vs. Mephisto (Marvel)

Trigon is a four-eyed demon, the father of hero Raven, and a thorn in the side of the Teen Titans. Mephisto is the demon who created Ghost Rider and a constant thorn in the side of the Silver Surfer, Thor and others. Winner: Mephisto.

Contest #77: Kanjar Ro (DC) vs. Kang the Conqueror (Marvel)

Two aliens without superpowers of their own, both of whom use advanced technology to try to conquer Earth. Kanjar Ro is notable for his big nose. Kang is notable for his awesomely tacky costume. Winner: Kang the Conqueror.

Contest #78: Black Adam (DC) vs. Mister Sinister (Marvel)

Black Adam is a former Captain Marvel who turned evil but kept his vast magic powers. He has pointy ears, so you know he’s evil. Mister Sinister is a scientific genius and genetically modified super being with vast power. His last name is “Sinister,” so you know he’s evil. Winner: Black Adam.

Contest #79: Eclipso (DC) vs. Baron Mordo (Marvel)

Eclipso is a version of the Spectre that turned evil. Baron Mordo is an evil version of Doctor Strange. Winner: Eclipso.

Contest #80: Imperiex (DC) vs. Galactus (Marvel)

Imperiex is the embodiment of entropy, who consumes many planets before being beaten back from Earth. Galactus is the Devourer of Worlds, a cosmic being of enormous power who must consume planets in order to survive. He has been beaten back from Earth on many occasions, but always returns… Winner: Galactus.

Round nine score: A small gain for DC – DC 6, Marvel 4. Cumulative score: DC 38, Marvel 42.

P.S. – It is purely a cooincidence that this posted on 6/6 at 6 AM...

Super summer showdown, round seven: the anti-heroes

2011-06-05T06:00:00.009-04:00

The heroes in this round aren’t always the most heroic. In fact, they can be downright nasty. Some have been known to dabble in crime. Some of them are mercenaries, who offer their services to the highest bidder, right or wrong. Others are vigilantes, who operate above the law. And some are just plain unhinged.

Contest #61: Lobo (DC) vs. Wolverine (Marvel)

Wolverine is Marvel’s most popular character, a mutant with extraordinary healing abilities, heightened senses and razor-sharp claws. He’s undeniably a good guy, but he lives on the edge. In is own words: “I’m the best there is at what I do, but what I do isn’t very nice.” Lobo started as a parody of Wolverine, and that pretty much describes him: a space biker with extraordinary healing abilities, heightened senses and super strength. Winner: Wolverine.

Contest #62: Catwoman (DC) vs. Black Cat (Marvel)

Catwoman is one of Batman’s greatest foes. And love interests. In recent years, she has shifted from burglary to vigilantism, but she still operates in a different moral realm than Batman. Black Cat is a shameless rip-off of Catwoman. Winner: Catwoman.

Contest #63: Catman (DC) vs. Sabretooth (Marvel)

Catman (no relation to Catwoman) is a former supervillain turned antihero. He’s a trained fighter, hunter and tracker who uses razor-sharp claws in battle. Sabretooth is a mutant with similar powers to Wolverine, including razor-sharp claws. Although he has fought on the same side as Wolverine at times, he lacks Wolverine’s moral compass. Winner: Sabretooth.

Contest #64: Etrigan the Demon (DC) vs. Ghost Rider (Marvel)

Etrigan is a scaly, orange demon from Hell who is bound to the human Jason Blood. Because of Blood’s influence, Etrigan is able to suppress his normal violent nature and fight for good. Well, sometimes. Ghost Rider is human Johnny Blaze, who sold his soul to the demon Mephisto in order to save a friend’s life. (The friend then died from other causes. Never make a deal with the devil!) As a result, Blaze was cursed and became the Spirit of Vengeance, transforming into a flaming skeleton who rides a motorcycle and punishes the wicked. Mega-points for that image alone, but points off for the lame Nicholas Cage movie. Winner: Ghost Rider.

Contest #65: The Question (DC) vs. The Punisher (Marvel)

The Question is a Batman-style detective who isn’t afraid to take the law into his own hands. The Punisher is a vigilante who fights fire with firepower. Winner: The Punisher.

Contest #66: Huntress (DC) vs. Elektra (Marvel)

The Huntress is a purple-clad vigilante who uses a crossbow to fight crime. Elektra is a red-clad ninja who uses twin sai swords as a mercenary assassin, and has been known to spar with her on-again / off-again love interest Daredevil. Winner: Elektra.

Contest #67: Star Sapphire (DC) vs. Emma Frost (Marvel)

Star Sapphire is like a female Green Lantern, except in purple, and she’s been romantically linked with Green Lantern Hal Jordan at times, although she’s just as likely to fight him. Emma Frost is a mutant telepath who can also turn her skin to diamond for some reason. She’s been an X-Man, but seems to like fighting the X-Men more. Winner: Emma Frost.

Contest #68: Talia al Ghul (DC) vs. Mystique (Marvel)

Talia al Ghul is the daughter of one of Batman’s greatest enemies, Ra’s al Ghul, and a member of the League of Assassins. Oh, and she’s also the mother of his son. Mystique is a mutant shapeshifter who splits her time between the X-Men and the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Oh, and she’s also the mother of X-Man Nightcrawler. Winner: Talia al Ghul. I mean, seriously, she had Batman’s baby. That’s almost a superpower in itself!

Contest #69: Bane (DC) vs. Abomination (Marvel)

Bane is criminal mastermind who was able to deduce Batman’s secret identity, sneak into his Batcave, and break the Dark Knight’s back. (It didn’t hurt that he was all hopped up on the magic steroid Venom, which gives him super strength.) However, since then he’s made amends with Batman and moved into more of an anti-hero role. The Abomination was a KGB spy who zapped himself with gamma radiation to turn himself into an evil version of the Hulk. He later repented and became a hero of sorts before being killed. Winner: Bane.

Contest #70: Deathstroke the Terminator (DC) vs. Deadpool (Marvel)

Deathstroke is one of DC’s most interesting characters, a one-eyed assassin named Slade Wilson who is in peak physical condition (thanks to military experiments a la Captain America), skilled in martial arts and weapons, and possesses extraordinary healing abilities. Deadpool is a blatant rip-off: a two-eyed (but disfigured and slightly insane) mercenary named Wade Wilson who is in peak physical condition (thanks to military experiments by the Weapon X program), skilled in martial arts and weapons, and possessing extraordinary healing abilities. Winner: Deadpool. Yes, he’s an acknowledged rip-off, but the “Merc with a Mouth” has been so cleverly written over the years as to surpass the original. His best bit has been breaking down the “fourth wall” and acknowledging the readers directly, which the other characters chalk up to his insanity.

Round seven score: Marvel has a way with anti-heroes – DC 3, Marvel 7. Cumulative score: DC 32, Marvel 38.

Super summer showdown, round six: the freaks

2011-06-04T06:00:00.012-04:00

Aliens, mutants, robots: say what you want about the following heroes, they all have a bit of the unusual in them.

Contest #51: Martian Manhunter (DC) vs. Vision (Marvel)

The Martian Manhunter is a green alien with red suspenders, the last of his species. He has a bevy of random superpowers, including super strength flight, shapeshifting, telepathy, invisibility, and the ability to turn his body ghost-like intangible. He gets points for being mysterious and having a cool back story, but loses points for his goofy name, goofy costume and inexplicable mishmash of powers. The Vision is a green android with a red face, the only one of his kind. He has super strength and the ability to turn his body diamond-hard or ghost-like intangible. He gets points for having a more reasonable mix of powers, but loses points for being a blatant rip-off of Martian Manhunter. Winner: Martian Manhunter.

Contest #52: Robot Man (DC) vs. Machine Man (Marvel)

Robot Man started as a normal human but had his body replaced by a machine: normal shape, but metallic and super strong. Machine Man is a robot raised as a human. His body looks human, but has telescopic arms and other gizmos. Winner: Robot Man.

Contest #53: Metamorpho (DC) vs. Iceman (Marvel)

Two mutants: one who can turn his body into any non-organic substance – metal, stone, etc. – and one who can turn his body into ice and create / control ice. Metamorpho may be the most ridiculous-looking hero ever. Winner: Iceman.

Contest #54: The Metal Men (DC) vs. Colossus (Marvel)

The Metal Men are six robots, each built of a different kind of metal – Gold, Iron, Lead, Tin, Mercury and Platinum. All of them can morph into whatever shape they desire, and all have additional powers based on their individual metal types (for example, Iron has super strength). Colossus is a mutant who can change his skin to a nearly invulnerable metal, a process which also gives him super-strength. Winner: The Metal Men. Yes, they’re utterly ridiculous, but I like them. Plus, six metal dudes are better than one.

Contest #55: Ambush Bug (DC) vs. Nightcrawler (Marvel)

Ambush Bug wears a green suit that looks like a bug and allows him to teleport anywhere in the world. He’s also insane. Nightcrawler is a blue mutant who looks like a demon and can teleport anywhere he can see or anywhere he’s been before. He’s also charming. Winner: Nightcrawler.

Contest #56: Beast Boy (DC) vs. Beast (Marvel)

Beast Boy is a green-skinned superhero who can shapeshift into any animal he desires. Beast is a superhero who has mutated into a blue-furred animal-like form and has heightened strength and agility as a result. Winner: Beast.

Contest #57: Deadman (DC) vs. Brother Voodoo (Marvel)

The ghost of a murdered circus performer, Deadman can possess the bodies of the living to fight injustice. Meanwhile, Brother Voodoo has magical abilities similar to Doctor Strange and can use his dead brother’s ghost to possess others. Winner: Deadman.

Contest #58: Red Tornado (DC) vs. The Human Torch (Marvel)

Red Tornado was originally an alien known as the Tornado Champion. His powers and life force were transferred to a robot, but not his memories. Red Tornado has the power to create and control tornado-like winds. The Human Torch was originally a robot. Later, human Johnny Storm was exposed to space radiation that gave him similar powers, and he adopted the name of his predecessor. The Human Torch can create and control flames. Winner: The Human Torch.

Contest #59: Cyborg (DC) vs. The Thing (Marvel)

Cyborg is one of DC’s best Bronze Age heroes: a half-man, half-machine reluctant hero who feels uncomfortable with his new, not-quite-human-anymore super body. The Thing is one of Marvel’s best Silver Age heroes: a man transformed into a walking rock pile, and who feels like an outcast because of his new, not-quite-human-anymore super body. Winner: The Thing.

Contest #60: Swamp Thing (DC) vs. Man-Thing (Marvel)

Two half-man, half-plant swamp creatures with magical powers. The difference? Swamp Thing is capable of conscious thought, while Man-Thing is essentially mindless. Also, Swamp Thing had a wickedly campy B-movie in the 1980s. Winner: Swamp Thing.

Round six score: All tied up again this round – DC 5, Marvel 5. Cumulative score: DC 29, Marvel 31.

Super summer showdown, round five: the ninjas

2011-06-03T06:00:00.009-04:00

The heroes in this round may or may not have superpowers, but they definitely have what it takes to fight superpowered villains: cunning, strategy and skill.

Contest #41: Batman (DC) vs. Spider-Man (Marvel)

Both of these heroes dedicated their lives to fighting crime dressed as creepy-crawlies after watching their parents / father-figure killed by a criminal. Both prefer to work at night, hanging around on rooftops and swinging around on ropes – or webs. Both have invented contraptions to help them – web-shooters for Spider-Man and a utility belt full of “batarangs” and other goodies for Batman. Spider-Man is aided by strength, reflexes and climbing powers obtained from a radioactive spider bite. Batman is aided by his vast fortune, rigorous training and obsessive dedication. Winner: Batman. Spider-Man is one of the best superheroes ever created. Batman is the best superhero ever created.

Contest #42: Dr. Mid-Nite (DC) vs. Daredevil (Marvel)

Two more superheroes who operate at night. Dr. Mid-Nite can see only in the dark. Daredevil is blind and can only “see” by using his other, heightened senses. Winner: Daredevil.

Contest #43: Batgirl (DC) vs. Shadowcat (Marvel)

Batgirl is Barabara Gordon, the police chief’s daughter who decided to emulate Batman and fight crime, Later, she was injured and became wheelchair-bound, but launched a new crime-fighting career as the technology-smart Oracle with the all-female team Birds of Prey. Shadowcat is Kitty Pryde, a spunky young X-Man who can walk through walls, has traveled back from the future to save the world, and later becomes a ninja. Winner: Shadowcat.

Contest #44: Shining Knight (DC) vs. Black Knight (Marvel)

Two medieval-style knights in armor riding horses. The advantage: one of them has a flying horse. Winner: Shining Knight.

Contest #45: Robin (DC) vs. Cyclops (Marvel)

Robin was Batman’s student, and despite a similar lack of superpowers, he became almost as awesome a combatant as his mentor. Eventually, he even traded in the gaudy red-and-green costume and short-shorts for a new identity as NIghtwing. Whereas Batman always seemed more in his element one-on-one, Robin actually became a fiorst-class leader helming the Teen Titans. Cyclops was one fo the first students of Professor X and also became a first-class leader with the X-Men. Cyclops does have a mutant superpower – eye lasers (how does that not make you blind?) – but his real strength, like Robin, is strategy and teamwork. Winner: Robin.

Contest #46: Hourman (DC) vs. Moon Knight (Marvel)

Hourman gets superpowers from a special formula, but the effects only last one hour at a time. Moon Knight is a shameless, supercharged and slightly insane Batman rip-off with magical Egyptian devices. His power grows stronger under a full moon. Winner: Moon Knight.

Contest #47: Jonah Hex (DC) vs. The Phantom Rider (Marvel)

Jonah Hex is a cursed cowboy missing half his face who fight all sorts of baddies from outlaws to aliens. The Phantom Rider is a Lone Ranger type cowboy who exacts justice in the Old West while dressed like a ghost. Winner: Jonah Hex.

Contest #48: Tarantula (DC) vs. Black Widow (Marvel)

Two spider-themed, martial arts using heroines with shady histories. One of them is obscure, and the other was played by Scarlett Johansson. Winner: Black Widow.

Contest #49: Wildcat (DC) vs. The Black Panther (Marvel)

Wildcat is a champion boxer who dresses like a black cat and fights crime. The Black Panther is king of the fictional African nation of Wakanda who dresses like a black cat and defends his people, and often the world. Winner: The Black Panther.

Contest #50: Green Arrow (DC) vs. Hawkeye (Marvel)

These heroes are virtually identical: infallible archers who use arrows filled with explosives, sleeping gas and any asinine thing you can imagine. Both are underappreciated, but that is perhaps understandable considering that they bot dress like ridiculous Robin Hood caricatures and go out of their way to use arrows to do things they could more easily accomplish in other ways. Hawkeye had a brief but very cool cameo in Thor and will be in The Avengers next year. That’s enough to tip the scales in his favor. Winner: Hawkeye.

Round three score: Finally, we have a leader – DC 4, Marvel 6. Cumulative score: DC 24, Marvel 26.

Super summer showdown, round four: the warriors

2011-06-02T06:00:00.020-04:00

All superheroes like to mix it up a bit, but the following ones seem to enjoy the scrap just a little more than most. These heroes were born to be brawlers.

Contest #31: Wonder Woman (DC) vs. Captain America (Marvel)

Wonder Woman is an Amazonian princess who became a champion of America in World War II, and finds herself caught between her ancient matriarchal society and modern, male-dominated society. Captain America is a regular Joe who became a champion of America in World War II, and – after being frozen for a few decades – reawakens to find himself caught between the past he remembers and modern society. Wonder Woman actually approaches the heroes in round one in terms of power: she is super strong, invulnerable, can fly and has magic bracelets that shield her from bullets. She has a little more bloodlust than most, though – although this aspect of her storytelling potential has not been realized as well as it should. Captain America has no powers, but is in peak physical shape and has a near-magic shield that protects him from bullets. He is also a beacon of moral fiber, and like Batman he is a mortal who can stand shoulder to shoulder with gods. Winner: Captain America.

Contest #32: Wonder Girl (DC) vs. Gambit (Marvel)

Donna Troy, also known as Wonder Girl or Troia, is Wonder Woman’s younger sister and has most of the same powers. She is best known as a member of the Teen Titans. Gambit is a mutant who can imbue small objects with energy and fire them like missiles. He is best known as a member of the X-Men. Both are exceptionally skilled warriors. Both feature in some pretty interesting storylines, so this is a close one. Winner: Wonder Girl.

Contest #33: Sergeant Rock (DC) vs. Nick Fury (Marvel)

Both of these soldiers originated in World War II and have somehow survived into modern times. This was no contest even before Marvel made the badass decision to cast Samuel L. Jackson. Winner: Nick Fury.

Contest #34: Hawkman (DC) vs. Falcon (Marvel)

Hawkman is a reincarnated alien with artificial wings and a magic mace. Falcon is one of the first great Black characters in comics, an equal partner with Captain America for many years. He also has artificial wings and a telepathic link with his pet hawk. Winner: Hawkman.

Contest #35: Hawkwoman (DC) vs. Angel (Marvel)

Hawkwoman is a female version of Hawkman, and is bound to him by fate as they are reincarnated from life to life. Angel is a mutant with real – not artificial – wings, and one of the original X-Men. Winner: Hawkwoman.

Contest #36: John Constantine (DC) vs. Blade (Marvel)

John Constantine hunts and fights demons and was played poorly by Keanu Reeves in a movie. Blade is a half-vampire who hunts and fights vampires and was played poorly by Wesley Snipes in three movies. Winner: Constantine.

Contest #37: Steel (DC) vs. War Machine (Marvel)

Steel is a Black guy in armor who wields a big hammer and wears an “S” on his chest like Superman. War Machine is a Black guy in armor who wields a lot of guns and has actually been Iron Man. Winner: War Machine.

Contest #38: Mister Terrific (DC) vs. Iron Fist (Marvel)

Two martial arts specialists. Mister Terrific is super-smart, but has a ridiculous costume that consists of a giant “T” on his face. Iron Fist has a magic fist, a dragon tattoo and a much cooler costume. Plus, he hangs out with Luke Cage. Winner: Iron Fist.

Contest #39: Black Lightning (DC) vs. Luke “Powerman” Cage (Marvel)

Black Lighting is a poor kid from the ghetto who gained the power to channel electricity and became a champion of the underprivileged. Luke Cage is a poor kid from the ghetto who gained the powers of super strength and invulnerability and became a champion of – well, usually whoever pays him. Winner: Luke Cage.

Contest #40: Adam Strange (DC) vs. Nova (Marvel)

Adam Strange is a regular guy who uses alien technology with an Art Deco feel to become a champion of the planet Rann. Nova is a regular guy who uses alien technology like a helmet with a big star on it to become a champion of the planet Xandar. Winner: Adam Strange.

Round three score: OK, this is starting to get old – DC 5, Marvel 5. Cumulative score: DC 20, Marvel 20.

Super summer showdown, round three: the phenomena

2011-06-01T06:00:00.012-04:00

The heroes below each have some kind of strange ability or mutant power that sets them apart from ordinary people, and while they may not have the nearly limitless power of some of the earlier heroes, their unique talents do come in handy.

Contest #21: Plastic Man (DC) vs. Mr. Fantastic (Marvel)

These guys can stretch really far. Plastic Man is a bit of a wisenheimer. Mr. Fantastic is a brilliant scientist and leader of the Fantastic Four. Winner: Mr. Fantastic.

Contest #22: Gypsy (DC) vs. The Invisible Woman (Marvel)

I don’t really know anything about Gypsy except that it looks like she has similar powers to the Invisible Woman, who is the least interesting member of the Fantastic Four. Winner: The Invisible Woman.

Contest #23: Mister Miracle (DC) vs. Domino (Marvel)

Mister Miracle is an immortal hero whom no bonds can hold. Domino is a mutant whose power is to be lucky. Winner: Mister Miracle.

Contest #24: Animal Man (DC) vs. Wolfsbane (Marvel)

Animal Man can mimic the abilities of any animal. Wolfsbane can turn completely or partially into a wolf. Winner: Animal Man.

Contest #25: Negative Man (DC) vs. Wonder Man (Marvel)

Negative Man can project a negative energy being with super powers out of himself. Wonder Man is filled with ionic energy that gives him special powers. Winner: Negative Man.

Contest #26: Starman (DC) vs. Spider-Woman (Marvel)

Starman (or his current successor, Stargirl) has a “cosmic rod” that gives him super strength and the ability to fly and manipulate energy. Spider-Woman has similar enhanced strength and can shoot “venom blast” energy out of her body thanks to a special serum made from radioactive spider blood. Yes, they’re both derivative, but they’re also both kind of fun. Winner: Starman.

Contest #27: Vixen (DC) vs. Rogue (Marvel)

Vixen could originally imitate the abilities of any animal near her, and eventually became able to imitate the abilities of other superheroes as well. Rogue can absorb the ability of anyone she touches. Winner: Rogue.

Contest #28: Black Canary (DC) vs. Banshee (Marvel)

Black Canary is a skilled martial artist who can also attack with a sonic scream. Banshee is an Irish mutant who can scream so hard that the shock waves allow him to fly. Winner: Black Canary.

Contest #29: Bumblebee (DC) vs. Wasp (Marvel)

Both of these heroines can shrink to tiny size and shoot energy “stings.” Wasp was a founding member of the Avengers and remains a popular member of the team. Winner: Wasp.

Contest #30: The Atom (DC) vs. Ant-Man (Marvel)

Both of these heroes can shrink to very small sizes. Ant-Man, whose real name is Henry Pym, can also grow to giant size and invent homicidal robots. Winner: Ant-Man.

Round three score: I am starting to detect a pattern here – DC 5, Marvel 5. Cumulative score: DC 15, Marvel 15.

Super summer showdown, round two: the champions

2011-05-31T06:00:00.015-04:00

The heroes in this round may not have been born unto godhood, like the last bunch, but somewhere along the way they acquired great powers, far beyond not only mortal men, but beyond most super beings. Most of these heroes represent humanity’s greatest champions and have vast, very versatile powers.

Contest #11: Green Lantern (DC) vs. Silver Surfer (Marvel)

There have been many Green Lanterns, but they all the same basic power: a magic ring that converts their willpower into green constructs of whatever they can think of. The Silver Surfer is an alien who was infused with the “Power Cosmic,” which lets him manipulate matter and energy and gives him abilities similar to the heroes in round one. In fact, despite being born mortal, both of these heroes have become among the most powerful beings in their universes. And both are pretty cool, so this is a tough one. Winner: Green Lantern. Although, honestly, the magic surf board beats the magic ring, hands down.

Contest #12: The Flash (DC) vs. Quicksilver (Marvel)

The fastest men alive, but only one of them has a well-developed history and ties to the mystical “Speed Force.” Winner: The Flash.

Contest #13: Dr. Fate (DC) vs. Doctor Strange (Marvel)

These masters of magic are nearly identical, and both have a history of ridiculousness. Strange is a rip-off of Fate, but he also has aged better. Winner: Doctor Strange.

Contest #14: Firestorm (DC) vs. Jean Grey (Marvel)

Firestorm, “The Nuclear Man,” was formed when two people fused together into one, and the hero could hear the voice of his other half giving him advice in his head. His power was to manipulate non-organic matter, changing one thing into another at will – although, apparently he was powerless to give himself a less hideous costume. Jean Grey, known variously as Marvel Girl or Phoenix, had an even bigger case of split personality: as her power grew from simple telepathy and telekinesis to enough cosmic power to consume planets, she found her dark side (Dark Phoenix) taking control. But man did it know how to dress! Winner: Jean Gray.

Contest #15: Blue Beetle (DC) vs. Iron Man (Marvel)

The original Blue Beetle was a Batman rip-off, a playboy with lots of cool gadgets. The new version of the hero has alien armor that can do amazing things. But not as amazing as the original armored hero. Winner: Iron Man.

Contest #16: Booster Gold (DC) vs. Cable (Marvel)

Booster Gold got his powers by stealing a super suit from the future. Cable is a mutant from the future who travelled back in time. Both of them have more power and prominence than they deserve. Winner: Booster Gold.

Contest #17: Zatana (DC) vs. The Scarlet Witch (Marvel)

Zatana has magical powers and wears fishnet stockings. The Scarlet Witch has mutant powers that allow her to manipulate reality in a way that mimics magic, and wears fishnet stockings. Winner: The Scarlet Witch.

Contest #18: Raven (DC) vs. Adam Warlock (Marvel)

Raven is the daughter of a human and an inter-dimensional demon, who can has several magical powers, including manipulating emotions, controlling darkness and teleporting. Adam Warlock is an “artificial human” with a self-aware cosmic gem on his forehead that feeds, vampire-like, on the life energy of others. Winner: Raven.

Contest #19: Starfire (DC) vs. Storm (Marvel)

Two female heroes that can fly and manipulate energy (cosmic in Starfire’s case, weather-related in Storm’s), and are famous for their skimpy outfits. Starfire is an alien princess. Storm is a mutant goddess queen. Winner: Storm.

Contest #20: Aquaman (DC) vs. Namor the Sub-Mariner (Marvel)

Two Kings of Atlantis, one with a ridiculous orange and green get-up, and the other more ridiculously in just a green Speedo. Aquaman has a horrible name and a bland history. Namor has inexplicable wings on his ankles that let him fly, and a chip on his shoulder against humanity. Both have tried to reinvent themselves countless times, but despite having kingdoms that cover 70% of the Earth’s surface, neither has quite worked his way to the upper tier of superheroes. Namor is moody and has a longer and more interesting history. DC tried to make Aquaman edgier by giving him a beard and cutting off his hand. That’s a move in the right direction. They also made him shirtless. That’s a move in the wrong direction. Winner: Aquaman, as long as he doesn’t take off any more clothing.

Round two score: Still all tied up – DC 5, Marvel 5. Cumulative score: DC 10, Marvel 10.

Super summer showdown, round one: the demigods

2011-05-30T06:00:00.012-04:00

The 20 heroes in today’s showdown are the mightiest of the mighty, beings with almost god-like invincibility. But all of their nearly limitless power doesn’t guarantee them victory in a battle of cool-ness. So without further ado:

Contest #1: Superman (DC) vs. Thor (Marvel)

The most powerful heroes in their respective universes, the Man of Steel and the God of Thunder share many powers in common: super strength, invulnerability, flight, etc. Debuting in 1938, Superman is the first-ever superhero and historically one of the most popular and enduring. His track record is spotty, however, with at least as many groan-inducing stories as thrilling ones. And his recent screen history is absolutely abysmal. In some ways, Thor is even older, as the character is rooted in prehistoric Germanic tradition, but as a Marvel superhero he only dates back to 1962. Comic-book Thor takes a hit for using ridiculously over-the-top, faux-Shakespearean language in many of his depictions (like his co-creator Stan Lee), but gets a big bump up for his recent movie, which was fun from start to finish. Winner: Superman. Thor is trending up, and Asgard definitely beats Krypton, but Superman is one of the biggest icons in the world.

Contest #2: Captain Marvel (DC) vs. The Incredible Hulk (Marvel)

Captain Marvel is a little boy who turns into a full-sized adult Superman rip-off when he utters the magic word, “Shazam!” The Hulk is a Dr. Jekyll rip-off who turns into a giant, barely controllable green monster when he gets angry. Winner: Hulk smash!

Contest #3: Captain Atom (DC) vs. The Sentry (Marvel)

Two more Superman clones, Captain Atom harnesses the power of the “Quantum Field” to do just about anything he wants, and was the inspiration for the Watchmen’s Doctor Manhattan. The Sentry harnesses the power of “one million exploding suns” to do just about anything he wants, including wearing the gaudiest belt buckle of any superhero. Winner: Captain Atom.

Contest #4: The Spectre (DC) vs. Professor Charles Xavier (Marvel)

The Spectre is the “Spirit of Vengeance,” said to be the one who does God’s dirty work, such as slaughtering the Egyptian first-born during the Passover story in the Bible. Professor X is the world’s most powerful telepath. Both can see into men’s souls and seem to pull new levels of power out of thin air as needed, although only the Spectre is portrayed as really having limitless power. Professor X was portrayed by Patrick Stewart, who is pretty badass, but the Spectre has the better costume and resumé (employer: almighty God). Winner: The Spectre.

Contest #5: Supergirl (DC) vs. Captain Marvel (Marvel)

Supergirl is Superman’s cousin and was invented at a time when DC was giving us super monkeys, dogs, horses and so many other preposterous “supers” that you’d think Krypton never exploded. Throughout most of her history, Supergirl has been pretty silly. However, in recent years, DC has taken pains to make her more interesting (and I’m not just talking about her new, bare-midriff look). Like Supergirl and her famous cousin, Marvel’s Captain Marvel (real name Mar-Vell) is an alien, and he has Superman-like powers thanks to the cosmic technology in his “Nega-Band” wristbands. Captain Marvel featured in several great storylines featuring a war between the alien Kree (his people) and Skrull empires. However, as a character, he has never really seemed to click. Winner: Supergirl.

Contest #6: Superboy (DC) vs. Hercules (Marvel)

A teenage clone of Superman on the one hand, and an ancient Greek demigod turned superhero (a la Thor) on the other. Neither of these really work as well as the great superheroes they’re modeled after. Winner: Superboy.

Contest #7: Big Barda (DC) vs. Beta Ray Bill (Marvel)

These are two of the more colorful supporting characters. Big Barda is an immortal warrior from the planet Apokalips, where she was trained by the forces of evil but defected to the good guys. Beta Ray Bill is a genetically modified alien who defeated Thor in a fair fight. In an unexpected twist, this strange alien proved worthy of wielding Thor’s magic hammer, and gained all of Thor’s powers. He eventually got a magic hammer of his own. Winner: Beta Ray Bill.

Contest #8: Orion (DC) vs. Black Bolt (Marvel)

In Jack Kirby’s “New Gods” series, Orion is son of the evil Darkseid, who rejected his father’s ways and became the greatest champion of New Genesis. He is immortal, possesses Superman-like powers and uses powerful alien artifacts. Black Bolt is the ruler of the Inhumans, a secret society of super beings created by Kirby with Stan Lee. He is not invincible like Orion, but is very powerful and mysterious: he can manipulate energy, deliver a devastating attack known as the “Master Blow,” and a single whisper from him can level a building. Winner: Black Bolt.

Contest #9: Mary Marvel (DC) vs. Ms. Marvel (Marvel)

Mary Marvel is a female version of Captain Marvel (the DC one), the superhero alter ego of Mary Baston, twin sister of Billy Baston, who transforms into Captain Marvel. Like Supergirl, she suffers from a long history of silly storylines. Ms. Marvel is a female version of Captain Marvel (the Marvel one), a human woman who obtained similar powers to Mar-Vell from a Kree device. She actually turns out to be a little more interesting and enduring than the hero she’s based on. Winner: Ms. Marvel.

Contest #10: Power Girl (DC) vs. She-Hulk (Marvel)

Power Girl is apparently a version of Superman’s cousin Supergirl from an alternate reality that has since ceased to exist. She-Hulk is the cousin of the Hulk, who has been similarly transformed, but stays permanently in her muscular, green state, which is considerably shapelier and less monstrous than her cousin’s. She also retains her full mental faculties and even practices law in her green form. Winner: She-Hulk.

Round one score: All tied up – DC 5, Marvel 5.

Super summer showdown: introduction

2011-05-29T06:00:00.013-04:00

About three years ago, my then five-year-old son went superhero crazy. It only lasted a few months before his attention turned to Pokémon or some other nonsense, but in that short time it was non-stop superheroes. Every night he would have me read to him from two giant superhero encyclopedias someone had bought for him: one detailing all of the DC heroes and villains (Superman, Batman, etc.), and one with all of the Marvel ones (Spider-Man, X-Men, etc.).

Just as with dinosaurs a while earlier, my son’s obsession re-introduced me to a favorite childhood diversion that I hadn’t given much thought to since. And in that short time, I learned far more about superheroes than I had ever learned from a few comic books and Saturday morning cartoons as a kid. Then, shortly afterwards, I saw the movies Iron Man and The Dark Knight, which opened up a whole new level of interest in the absurd but fun world of men who fight crime wearing tights and capes.

As I was reading to my son, I noticed that there were a lot of similarities between the two main camps – DC and Marvel. Both universes have heroes that shrink, heroes that stretch and heroes that scream really loud, just for starters. And so I began talking notes, because that’s what I do. Recently, my son started watching the Marvel Studios movies with me (Thor is now his “favorite movie of all time!”), and I dusted off those notes from three years ago. With four major superhero movies coming out this summer (Thor, X-Men, Green Lantern and Captain America), it seems like the right time to have some fun with it. So over the next few posts, I’ll show the results: a series comparing DC and Marvel versions of the same basic archetypes, with one question in mind: which company has the cooler version?

I’ve divided the posts into eleven loosely related groups of ten contests each. It was supposed to be ten groups of ten for an even one hundred, but rather than making hard decisions of who to discard, I took the easy way out and added an eleventh group. Still, there are many heroes and villains missing: I couldn’t get them all, but I did try to include all of the most popular ones as well as several of the more obscure ones.

So stay tuned: for the next several days, it’s DC vs. Marvel, and if it’s not quite a fight to the death (because no one ever stays dead in comic books), it’s at least a battle for pride. We’re going to once and for all determine who’s cooler: DC or Marvel?

Icons of buffoonery

2011-05-23T06:00:00.003-04:00

A few months ago, I started a photo collection of the icons of badassery. I have now added a second collection: the icons of buffoonery. (I've added this as a permanent page: if you're on the main blog site, you can always access it by clicking the link at the top of the page.)

Among the first to be enshrined are...

Derek Zoolander
George Costanza
Michael Scott
Homer J. Simpson
Wile E. Coyote
The Marx Brothers
Chris Farley
Beavis and Butt-Head
Flavor Flav
Rick Moranis
Soupy Sales
...and many more!

Click through and check out the whole list.

So what do you think? Who is missing? Leave your nominations in the comments below.

Rapture + zombies: now that's a party!

2011-05-21T06:00:00.041-04:00

Apparently, today is Judgement Day. Thanks to minister Harold Camping for the tip. Enjoy your last few minutes before the Rapture. (But not too much - don't blow it now! Which brings me to...)

Just in case you find yourself "left behind," the U.S. Center for Disease Control (CDC) this week posted survival instructions for the coming zombie apocalypse.

Either way, today should be quite a day.

[UPDATE: Damn, I missed the Rapture. Still knee deep in zombies here...]

Image courtesy of primatebonz.

Meet the planets: Earth

2011-05-17T06:00:00.002-04:00

Earth is the third major planet from the Sun, part of a binary planetary system that includes its rather large satellite companion, Luna (also known as simply “the Moon”). It is the most hospitable planet in the Solar System to life as we know it, owing to large amounts of water, an oxygen-rich atmosphere, and an ozone layer and strong magnetic field (magnetosphere) that shield it from harmful solar radiation. These features, and the abundant life that exists on the planet as a result, also make Earth the most unusual planet we know – even if we take most of it for granted.

Earth’s plentiful oceans have earned it the nickname “Blue Planet.” Its official name, Earth, evolved from the Germanic word for “dirt” or “ground.” However, the Romance languages use some variation of the Latin name, Terra, and most other languages have their own traditional names as well, including “Al-Ard” (Arabic), “Gaea” (Greek), “Dhara” (Sanskrit) and “Zemlja” (Russian).

Description

Earth is the largest terrestrial planet in the Solar System (size-F), and fifth largest overall, trailing only the four gas giants. Its mean diameter is 12,742 km (7,918 miles), although it is not a perfect sphere as its rotation causes it to bulge slightly wider at the equator and flatter at the poles. Its surface area is about 510 million sq km, of which about 71% is covered in salt water oceans, leaving 149 million sq km of land. Earth’s mass is roughly 5,973,600,000,000,000,000,000,000 kg, and this great mass compresses its interior, giving it the highest mean density of any planet in the system.

Earth’s average distance from the sun is called an “astronomical unit” (AU) and is equal to about 149,598,000 km (nearly 93 million miles). Although its orbit is nearly circular, its very slight eccentricity (0.0167) causes its actual distance from the Sun to vary between 0.9833 and 1.0167 AU. A more dramatic source of seasonal variation comes from the planet’s tilt on its axis – about 23° from the plane of its orbit. This causes the poles to alternately face toward and away from the Sun over the course of one Earth year. When the northern hemisphere is tilted toward the Sun, it experiences increased hours of daylight (more pronounced as one approaches the pole), and thus additional warmth that creates summer conditions. During this time, meanwhile, the southern hemisphere is tilted away from the sun, causing it to experience shorter periods of daylight and falling temperatures. Six months later, the situation is reversed, with the southern hemisphere experiencing longer and the northern hemisphere shorter daylight hours. Planet wide, surface temperatures range from -89°C (-128°F) to 58°C (136°F), with an average of about 14°C (57°F).

Earth’s interior consists of a molten iron core surrounded by a silicate rock mantle and crust. Thanks to the planet’s relatively rapid, 24-hour rotation, this core generates a strong protective magnetosphere. The planet’s topography is quite varied thanks to active plate tectonics that cause the continents to shift and mountains to rise over the course of millions of years. Throughout its 4.54 billion year history, Earth has undergone dramatic changes, with its continents periodically merging into one super-continent and then shifting apart again. At times, the planet has been covered by large sheets of ice, and at times it has been virtually ice free.

Life first began on the planet about four and a half billion years ago and exploded in the Cambrian era about 535 million years ago. There have been five mass extinctions in Earth’s history, caused by asteroid impacts and/or the planet’s own geological activity, but life has flourished again after each of them. The presence of life has had a profound effect on the planet, altering its atmosphere, climate and topography. In recent years, humans, the planet’s dominant species, have had the most significant impact on the Earth, harvesting its resources, reshaping its lands and waters to their own purposes, and filling the space around it with artificial satellites.

Humans

Human understanding of the Earth as a planet revolving around the Sun did not begin until the 16th Century, and finally reached critical mass in the 20th Century when the invention of space flight allowed us to finally see and photograph the planet in its entirety. In recent years, our deepening comprehension of our impact has led to a greater sense of environmental responsibility, and given us more insight into how we relate to our planet – and potentially to other planets.

In the future, we are destined to leave Earth. Human space exploration is currently in its infancy, but technology is advancing rapidly and our destiny lies beyond. We are already developing cheaper, faster and safer ways to visit space, and a trip on a “space elevator” will be as routine to future generations as a trans-continental flight is to us today.

But our destiny is not merely to visit other planets, it is to live there, “terraforming” them to make them more Earth-like and habitable to humans. We will start with colonies in our own Solar System – first Luna and Mars, then on to Mercury and Venus, the asteroid belt and the giant planet systems that lie beyond. Finally, we will move on to other star systems as well. This isn’t merely conjecture: you can be sure that it will happen. Just as someone from ancient Rome could understand commerce but not that it would be conducted over the Internet, so too do we understand that our destiny is in space, even if we don’t yet understand the means that will get us there.

Other technologies will develop in parallel. Genetic engineering, for example, may be used to make plants, animals and even humans better suited to the gravity and environment of each of the planets we colonize. Technology will also help us further terraform Earth, reversing some of the environmental damage we’ve done and ensuring that it continues to be habitable for as long as possible.

In a billion years, when our sun begins to grow into a red giant and engulfs the Earth, with any luck our mutant, cyborg descendants won’t be there to see it happen. Or, if they are, they’ll have shifted the planet’s orbit and protected it with solar shields so they can enjoy the show.

Aliens (speculative)

Aliens are here among us, and their impact has greatly affected Earth history, dating back to the very beginning when organic compounds from meteorites may have planted the first seeds of life on the planet. Since that time, various alien species have visited Earth, using it as a garbage dump (thanks a lot, Xenu!), battlefield or vacation spot. Most of the aliens left after humans evolved, and only a few ruins remain of their presence. (For example, an abandoned, pyramid-shaped condominium project in what is now Giza, Egypt.) Every once in a while, they return to study us and see if we’ve developed intelligence. One of these days, they may even realize they’re probing for brains in the wrong place.

For now, though, Earth has mostly escaped alien interest. The official entry for Earth in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is rather short, consisting of only two words: “mostly harmless.”

Images courtesy of NASA and Mark Weaver.

Superhammerman

2011-05-13T18:00:00.049-04:00

In the 1960s, Marvel Comics made some really low-rent cartoon series of its major superheroes. Growing up in the 1970s, I got to watch re-runs of those cartoons every day after school. Spiderman, my favorite, was on every day, and was followed by one of five different superheroes, depending on the day of the week: Captain America, Hulk, Iron Man, Sub-Mariner and Thor.

I don’t remember which day Thor was on, but I know that it was my least favorite day. (Although it did have the best theme song!) To me, even as a kid, Thor was kind of ridiculous. He is based on the Norse God of Thunder, and in those cartoons he talked as if he was quoting from the King James Bible, with a lot of “thee’s” and “thou’s” and other archaic terms thrown about.

So when Marvel Studios announced that they were making a Thor movie, I had serious reservations. As Thor was a necessary stepping stone to getting Iron Man, Captain America and Hulk together on the screen in next year’s The Avengers, however, I tried to keep an open mind.

Then I heard that Kenneth Branagh had been brought on board to direct, and I started to see trailers and stills from the set, and I started to get genuinely excited. Now, I have finally seen the film, and I am happy to report that it is good. Not Iron Man good, but pretty close. It is a fun movie from start to finish, and while it requires a heftier than usual suspension of disbelief, it is so good-natured and such a well-told story that you will willingly do so. Best of all, Thor doesn’t say “thee” or “thou” once!

Rating: **** four stars (recommended)

PRO:

There is a lot to like about this movie, but what resonates most are the performances. Chris Hemsworth shows outstanding range as the title character, moving from brash arrogance to fish-out-of-water humor to heroic humility with incredible grace. As good as Hensworth is, though, Tom Hiddleston is even better as Thor’s brother Loki, delivering an intelligent, multi-dimensional performance that I hope we’ll get to see more of in future installments. Ditto Idris Elba, who has a small part as Heimdall, but really steals the show in every scene he’s in. And Natalie Portman is great as human Jane Foster, convincingly selling her budding relationship with Thor despite limited screen time. I haven’t even gotten to Oscar-winner Anthony Hopkins as Thor’s dad Odin, Colm Feore as the king of the frost giants, or any number of other actors. They were just all good.
The sets created for Thor’s home “realm” of Asgard were simply outstanding. I don’t know what the experience was like in 3D (of course), but in 2D it was a wondrous place to visit. The same is true of the realm of the frost giants, and if the New Mexico sets seemed tame by comparison, well, I think that was the point.
The action scenes, especially in the beginning, were really well done and engaging.
The villains were all cool, too, and all were surprisingly multidimensional and sympathetic. When I heard “frost giants,” I kinda groaned, but they were actually pretty awesome.
Finally, the humor was really well done. The movie has some genuine laughs in it, but they feel organic, not forced, and they help move the story forward. Like I said before, it is a fun movie.

CON:

Branagh tells too epic of a story, and doesn’t really have time to pull all the threads together properly in the end. As a result, the final scenes feel rushed and fall a little flat. This is not a big complaint, because Branagh really did have his hands full trying to make a successful movie out of this subject matter, but it would have been more enjoyable to me had the final scenes on Earth and in Asgard taken a little longer and had the same depth as the rest of the story.
It is possible that there are too many characters in this movie, as many of them do not get nearly enough screen time. The biggest wasted opportunity is Jaimie Alexander as the Asgardian warrior Sif. She does a good job in her limited screen time, and she has great charisma and a chemistry with Hemsworth that I hope we get to see more of in the future.
In the fantastical realm of Asgard, a helmet with giant horns and wings coming out of it doesn’t look out of place, but on Earth those costumes look ridiculous. Standing next to Agent Coulson in his black suit, Thor looks like an amusement park caricature. That will be a challenge going forward.

So here is my movie review quote for the back of the Blu-ray packaging: “There is a lot to like about this movie… Chris Hemsworth shows outstanding range… really well done and engaging… a fun movie from start to finish…”

And here is my quote for the haters: “Low-rent cartoon… kind of ridiculous… doesn’t really have time to pull all the threads together… wasted opportunity…”

Meet the planets: Venus

2011-05-11T06:00:00.002-04:00

Venus is the second planet from the Sun and the closest to Earth in terms of size (often referred to as Earth’s “sister” or “twin” planet). It is the brightest planet visible to the naked eye outside of our own Earth-Moon system, and so has been observed since ancient times.

Because it is brightest near dusk and dawn, Venus is often called the “Evening Star” or “Morning Star,” and many ancient cultures originally thought that there were indeed two different heavenly bodies. Ancient names for the planet include “Ishtar” (Babylonian) and “Aphrodite” (Greek), both goddesses of love, and “Anahita” (Persian), a fertility goddess. The official name comes from the Roman goddess of love and beauty (Latin: Venus). Alternate names still in use in many parts of the world include variations of “Al-Zuhra” (Arabic), “Sukra” (Sanskrit) and “Star of Gold” (Chinese). Venus is also nicknamed the “Cloud Planet” because of its dense atmosphere.

In his novels, C.S. Lewis said that the Venusian natives called their planet “Perelandra,” while fellow writer Edgar Rice Burroughs claimed it was “Amtor.” They were both wrong.

Description

Venus is a size-F (large terrestrial) planet with a mean diameter of 12,104 km (7,521 miles), about 95% of Earth’s diameter. Its mass is about 81.5% of Earth’s, while its surface area and gravity are about 90% of Earth’s. Like the other terrestrial planets, it has a differentiated interior (likely a metal core surrounded by silicate rock), although the exact nature of Venus’ interior is not known with certainty. Due to its slow rotation, Venus’ core does not generate a protective magnetic field, which would help it retain water and protect it from the Sun’s radiation. The inability to retain water makes Venus’ crust so dry that there are no plate tectonics (the shifting that causes earthquakes), although Venus does appear to be volcanically active.

About 80% of Venus’ surface is smooth, volcanic lowland plains. The remaining surface consists of two highland “continents.” The northern continent is called Ishtar Terra and is about the size of Australia. It contains Venus’ highest peak, Maxwell Montes. The southern continent is called Aphrodite Terra and is roughly the size of South America.

Venus has an incredibly dense atmosphere (92 times the pressure of Earth's at the surface) composed primarily of carbon dioxide. The air pressure on Venus is equal to the water pressure about 1 km below the surface of Earth’s oceans. This atmosphere causes a runaway greenhouse effect that makes Venus’ surface the hottest in the Solar System, with consistent temperatures of about 460°C (860°F) over the entire planet.

The cloud cover on Venus makes the sky looks reddish orange, and the clouds are so thick that no stars or planets can be seen. Dim light from the Sun can be seen, but the Sun itself cannot be discerned. If the Sun could be seen from the surface, it would appear about twice as big and twice as bright as it does on Earth. Mercury would appear brighter than on Earth, becoming the “Morning Star” and “Evening Star” to Venus, just as Venus is to Earth (although not quite as bright). Brighter still, though, would be the Earth itself, as from the perspective of Venus, the sunlit side of both Earth and its Moon would often be in full view. Venus does not have any natural satellites of its own.

Venus rotates in the opposite direction of all the other planets, causing the Sun to rise in the west and set in the east. It also rotates very slowly, with a day on Venus lasting about 117 Earth days. (It actually takes Venus even longer, 243 Earth days, to rotate, but its backwards rotation works together with its orbital motion to make the same side of the planet face the Sun a little bit quicker.) A year on Venus is about 225 Earth days.

Venus’ orbit around the Sun is the closest to being perfectly circular of any major planet (eccentricity 0.0068). Its distance from the Sun only varies between 0.718 and 0.728 AU, with the average being 0.723 AU (about 108 million km or 67 million miles). Venus is also one of the least tilted on its axis (only 2.6° after factoring for its retrograde rotation). Combined, the two facts mean that there is very little seasonal variation on the planet.

Humans

Because telescopes could not penetrate its heavy cloud cover, Venus remained shrouded in mystery until very recently. Beginning in the 1960s, unmanned U.S. and Soviet spacecraft managed to unlock some of the planet’s secrets, including its temperature and atmospheric pressure, but it wasn’t until NASA’s Magellan mission (1989-1994) that the Venusian surface was finally mapped in detail. Future exploration is being planned and may shed more light on our strange “sister planet” over time.

Its size and location make it a prime target for human colonization, but major technological hurdles must first be overcome. Terraforming the planet will at a minimum require removing most of the carbon dioxide atmosphere, reducing the surface temperature, and introducing oxygen and water. It would also likely involve creating a protective magnetosphere and establishing a more Earth-like day-length of approximately 24 hours, as opposed to the current 117 Earth days.

The first colonies will be floating, self-contained cities high in the Venusian atmosphere, where temperatures and air pressure are more manageable. These will serve as bases for the population involved in terraforming efforts. A giant solar shield will be placed in Venus’ relatively stable L1 Lagrange point, where it could be maintained between Venus and the Sun with minimal effort, deflecting solar radiation and thus cooling the planet. Mass drivers will eject some of the dense atmosphere. If done right, this and other techniques will also speed up the planet’s rotation, eventually decreasing day length until it is roughly equal to Earth and Mars. Provided Venus's core is still molten, this will have the added benefit of creating a different spin rate between the surface and the interior, thus generating a magnetosphere.

As the temperature and atmospheric pressure drop, hydrogen will be imported en masse from Saturn or one of the other gas giant planets, and combined with the remaining carbon dioxide to form water and elemental carbon. In the end, oceans will cover up to 80% of the surface, and some of the remaining atmosphere will dissolve into them, further reducing pressure. When the temperature and water content are right, algae and various plant life will be introduced, which will convert much of the remaining carbon dioxide (and smaller amounts of carbon monoxide) to breathable oxygen. Sulfur (and the resultant sulfuric acid rain) will be removed from the atmosphere and rendered safe by similar chemical processes.

Enclosed surface colonies will begin at this time, tending crops and putting the finishing details on the planet. Eventually, as air quality improves, these colonies will transition to partially-enclosed, air-quality-controlled tented communities, and then finally to completely open settlements. A host of Earth animals will be introduced, from bees to whales, completing the transformation into a sustainable ecosystem.

Ongoing attention will be required to maintain the solar shield, which by the end will have been modified to let through about 50% of the Sun’s light and heat, equal to what Earth receives. (The Sun will still look twice as big in the sky on Venus, but it will only be half as bright.) If a magnetosphere proves unattainable, the solar shields and atmosphere will provide adequate protection against radiation, but large quantities of hydrogen will have to be imported periodically to replenish what is lost to space and ensure that the planet doesn’t dry out. However, with these measures in place, the Venusian environment will become the most Earth-like in the Solar System – our true twin planet at last.

Aliens (speculative)

There was a time, about 65 million years ago, when Earth was seen as undesirable real estate, the redneck trailer park to Venus’ gated community. The dominant species on the planet were the Cythereans, an intelligent, humanoid people. They were approximately the size and build of humans, save for their long necks, which made them about a head taller. Despite this, their physiology was very different than Earth mammals, being closer to a cross between a shark and a potato.

Their smooth, waxy skin was a pale, bluish-green color. They were entirely hairless except for some leafy, feather-like growths atop their heads and on their limbs, and the color patterns of these were the only obvious difference between males and females of the species. Their “bones” were made of a semi-rigid cartilage-like material, and their internal structure did not contain large organs, but rather a cork-like tissue intersected by the small, redundant “nodes” of various systems: circulatory, respiratory, etc. (In this way, a single individual may have over 100 different, tiny “hearts,” for example.)

Cytherean society was quite advanced for the time, and they enjoyed comforts like clockwork robotic miniature dragon servants and steam-powered flying vehicles. Unfortunately, they were vain creatures and the Martians finally had enough of them. It was a war that would destroy both civilizations. (And kill the dinosaurs back on Earth, but that’s another story.)

Some Cythereans managed to survive the devastation. Realizing that their war machines had doomed their environment, but unwilling to leave their once-fair world, they built giant, lava-proof crystal chambers deep underground. There, the best of their species lie still, in extra-dimensional suspended animation, waiting for someone to clean up the place. Meanwhile, a select few stayed behind as caretakers, and over the generations their descendants have mutated into a completely different species, at once more advanced and more primitive than their predecessors.

These neo-Cythereans have lost the feathers and developed thicker skin (resembling the rind of a cantaloupe) to withstand the intense pressure. They no longer have long necks, or indeed any necks whatsoever. Save for a small amount of cartilage that still gives some shape to their heads and faces, their skeletal system has shrunk to almost nothing, unneeded now that their bodies are grafted to cybernetic suits. Underground, they have become part of a closed-loop food chain, feeding off the milk and meat of the chicken-goats, which feed off the droppings of the squirrel-owls, which eat the oyster-lilies that grow in the soil fertilized by dead Cythereans. Because of the limited space and food resources in their underground world, they have become a disciplined society bound by strict codes. For example, they have tied their very existence to their sacred duty as caretakers, limiting their own population to the same number of Cythereans remaining in hibernation (originally over 100,000, but now estimated at only 20,000). If a population imbalance arises – a new baby is born, or a hibernation capsule fails – a lottery is held and the losers must fight to the death to restore the balance.

If and when we terraform Venus, there will be severe implications for both groups of Cythereans. There will be culture shock not only with the humans, but also between the two different groups of natives, whose languages no longer even resemble each other. Expect the ancient Cythereans to be grateful at first, but soon start acting like they own the place. Meanwhile, the neo-Cythereans will need to be given a new cosmic purpose in life (or, at the very least, some vocational training), as well as basic assistance in physically adapting to the new planetary conditions.

Images courtesy of NASA, Ittiz and Pedro Silva.

Five planets, one photo

2011-05-09T06:00:00.022-04:00

In this photo from NASA, you can see five of the seven planets visible to the naked eye: Venus, Mercury, Jupiter, Mars and Earth. (Only Saturn and Luna are missing.) You can see this conifguration every morning at sunrise for the next few weeks.

What will Marvel Studios do next?

2011-05-06T06:00:00.194-04:00

Marvel Studios has been around since 1993, when it was founded to pursue film opportunities for Marvel Comics characters. Prior to this, only a handful of films had been made based on these characters, and they had been dismal, low-budget affairs. While rival comics company DC had seen the Superman and Batman franchises yield blockbusters, Marvel had yet to find the same success. Marvel Studios helped change that, negotiating deals with major studios and exerting greater creative control.

They found success early on, as partnerships with New Line Cinema, 20th Century Fox and Columbia Pictures yielded Blade (1998), X-Men (2000) and Spider-Man (2002), respectively. Each of those three films was considered both an artistic and commercial success, and each would yield an even more successful sequel. While other Marvel properties were not as critically well received (including Daredevil, the Ang Lee-directed Hulk, two Punisher movies, Elektra, two Fantastic Four movies, Ghost Rider, and the abysmal third chapters of the Blade, X-Men and Spider-Man franchises), few were actually box office bombs and the power of Marvel Studios continued to grow.

Finally, in 2008, the company was able to begin producing films independently. This is where I come in. I had watched some of the earlier movies, and had even found some of them enjoyable, especially the first two X-Men movies, which were ridiculous in many ways but had good character development. I was not prepared for Marvel was able to do with full control of its own creations, though. I read some comic books as a kid, and had a vague idea of who all of these super-people were, but I wouldn’t have considered myself a fan-boy. However, that all changed when I saw these films. The independent Marvel movies have become like heroin to me, and I am an unapologetic junkie.

Marvel Studios does three things differently than anyone else doing superhero films:

1) They stayed true to the characters. They changed some of the details, but the essence of who those characters are did not change. They didn’t dumb anything down and they didn’t compromise their ability to tell a larger story over time by throwing the coolest parts of 17 different story lines together in the first movie. They knew their characters inside out and had faith that those characters had deep reservoirs of compelling stories to tell. They gambled that audiences would like them for who they were.

2) They stayed loyal to their fan base. Comic books are action-packed, larger-than-life, pseudo-science, short-attention-span, soap operas. So are Marvel’s movies. They tend to not hold anything back, and are filled with the same sense of wonder, humor and balls-to-the-wall excitement that got our blood pumping as eight-year-olds. Ang Lee tried to make an artistic Hulk movie that was filled with allegories of human nature. Marvel understood that the Hulk needs to smash things. Sure, there’s some romance and intrigue and other fine plot points to consider, but Marvel makes sure that it never gets in the way of what they know we want to see.

3) They created a shared universe where all of their film characters co-existed. Each movie pretty much stands on its own, but by tying together very minor plot points and adding a heaping helping of Easter eggs in the background, they drive the fan-boys wild and set up a world where anything can happen.

Here is a list of all of the independent Marvel Studios movies to date that have either been released or scheduled for release:

2008

Iron Man
The Incredible Hulk

2010

Iron Man 2

2011

Thor
Captain America: The First Avenger

2012

The Avengers

2013

Iron Man 3 – Merging Iron Man into the same universe as Thor opens up the possibility of bringing in Iron Man's most famous enemy: the Mandarin and his ten magic rings.

Marvel Studios has said they would like to release two films a year. The rights to a lot of their key properties still reside with other studios, which presumably will work hard to keep the rights: Columbia has Spider-Man. Crystal Sky has Ghost Rider, and Fox has X-Men (including Wolverine and Deadpool), the Fantastic Four (including Silver Surfer) and Daredevil. (P.S. – Fox sucks. I’d kill for Marvel to get the rights to Daredevil.) However, there are still plenty of other characters that Marvel could use to create compelling movies within the shared Marvel Cinematic Universe. Assuming they do make two movies per year from 2013 on, here is my best guess of what else we are likely to see for the rest of this decade:

2013

Ant-Man – A founding member of the Avengers in the comics, Dr. Henry Pym creates a process that allows him to shrink to the size of an ant or grow as big as a skyscraper. According to Marvel Studios head-honcho Kevin Feige, the script (by Scott Pilgrim vs. the World director Edgar Wright) is almost complete. With any luck, it will also introduce Pym’s eventual wife and fellow-Avenger, Janet van Dyne, a.k.a. the Wasp.

2014

Doctor Strange – Rumors are that the studio is hard at work to make this one happen soon. Doctor Stephen Strange is Marvel’s master of magic, and from what I understand he has some really cool and bizarre tales that would adapt well to screen. Johnny Depp might be a good choice for the lead. Guillermo del Toro (Pan's Labyrinth, Hellboy) should direct.
Captain America 2 – I would like to see this film further explore the character’s adjustment to life in the modern world, while tying in elements of his former life in World War II through flashbacks. We could learn that the evil organization Hydra has survived and that Cap has to finish a job that he started long ago. This could also set up…

2015

S.H.I.E.L.D. – Bring back the non-super-powered crew from The Avengers: Nick Fury, Black Widow, Hawkeye, etc. This movie could also introduce us to Carol Danvers (the future Ms. Marvel), Falcon and any number of other cool Kung-Fu/super-gadget folk. Here’s a fact: the entire G.I. Joe franchise was originally created as a cheap copy of S.H.I.E.L.D. Let’s see what the original can do. (I’m guessing James Bond meets The Fast and the Furious.)
Thor 2 – I don’t know much about this character and I haven’t seen the first one yet (it opens today in the U.S.!), but I think a sequel showing Thor at full power for two hours fighting some pretty nasty enemies could be great fun.

2016

The Inhumans – When I was a kid, I saw a picture of Black Bolt and thought he was the coolest super hero I had ever seen. He is the leader of the Inhumans, a group of mutant/alien/I-don’t-really-know-what people that live secretly in a secluded land. He never speaks, because a simple whisper from him will unleash enough power to knock down a building. He has other powers too, but I don’t know what they are. Comic books were weird back in the 1970s. I didn’t quite understand what I was reading. Still, from what I do understand, other people were similarly enchanted by these weirdos, and there might just be a story there.
The Black Panther – Dating back to 1966, this was the first major Black super-hero from either Marvel or DC, and remains a fan favorite. His real name is T’Challa, and he is king of the fictional African nation of Wakanda and a part-time Avenger. Introducing him in his own movie could set him up for a role in…

2017

The Avengers 2 – Bring back the original crew, plus Ant-Man, Wasp, Black Panther and maybe Ms. Marvel. Do something over-the-top amazing that blows every other action movie that’s ever been made out of the water. Is that too much to ask?
Heroes for Hire – Luke Cage (a.k.a. Power Man) and his partner Iron Fist are two more fan-favorites. They are an odd couple: think Rush Hour, but with Mr. T and Bruce Lee instead of Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan.

2018

Captain America 3 – Now that we've seen Cap adjust to the modern world, this installment should see his world shaken to the core again by introducing an old friend turned enemy: the Winter Soldier.
Planet Hulk – One of the more popular Hulk story lines sees the Hulk banished to another planet because he’s too dangerous for Earth, and he ends up conquering it or something, I think. Anyway, this would be too cool, so just do it.

2019

Iron Man 4 – Sure, why not?
Thor 3 – Beta Ray Bill, anyone?

2020

Annihilation – Featuring Nova and some of the other cosmic characters (although, sadly, not Galactus and the Silver Surfer, unless Marvel can get the rights back from Fox). It could be hinted at with references from previous cosmic movies like The Inhumans, Planet Hulk and even Thor 3 (especially if Beta Ray Bill is introduced).
S.H.I.E.L.D. 2 – We should be ready for another one if these if the first one did well. Winter Soldier could factor in, and maybe more new characters could make an appearance, like the Falcon. Also, this could set up…

2021

The Avengers 3 – If we haven’t seen Ultron yet, now could be the time. There are a host of other heroes (the Scarlet Witch, Wonder Man, the Vision, etc.) and baddies that we could see as well.
Namor, the Sub-Mariner – At this point, if Marvel is still going strong, I’m guessing they can even turn their naked-pointy-eared-fish-man-(with-wings-on-his-feet-WTF?) into a winning movie! Of course, this would launch a whole new realm of cross-over possibilities if Marvel Studios shouls re-acquire the rights to the Fantastic Four by then...

UPDATE: Marvel Studios has announced Thor 2 as its second film of 2013, much sooner than I had anticipated. Meanwhile, scripts for Ant-Man and Doctor Strange movies have been completed. Here, then, is an updated prediction with an emphasis on wrapping up the three-film Thor and Captain America franchises ASAP. I am assuming Iron Man will be the only franchise to go beyond three films – and maybe without Robrt Downey Jr. beyond the third installment.

2013 – Iron Man 3, Thor 2

2014 – Captain America 2, Doctor Strange

2015 – Ant-Man, S.H.I.E.L.D.

2016 – The Avengers 2, Heroes for Hire

2017 – Iron Man 4, Thor 3

2018 – Captain America 3, Doctor Strange 2

2019 – The Black Panther, Heroes for Hire 2

2020 – The Avengers 3, Annihilation

2021 – Iron Man 5, Planet Hulk

2022 – The Inhumans, Namor the Sub-Mariner

Towards the end of the decade, the emphasis shifts more to the cosmic side of Marvel. (And, of course, hopefully to the Fantastic Four if Marvel can re-acquire the rights.) By overlapping certain story elements, Marvel should be able to maintain continuity even as they de-emphasize characters like Thor and Captain America to avoid audience fatigue and allow their current crop of actors to roll. Then, after a suitable amount of time has passed, current characters can be re-introduced (with new actors if necessary) without losing any of that continuity.

Meet the planets: Mercury

2011-04-29T06:00:00.062-04:00

Mercury is the closest planet to the Sun and the smallest of the eight dominant planets in our Solar System. It is actually smaller in diameter (but not mass) than the two largest moons (Ganymede and Titan), making it the tenth largest planet overall.

Mercury is one of seven planets visible to the naked eye (the others are Venus, Earth, Luna, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn), and so it has been observed since ancient times. The Assyrians called it the “Jumping Planet,” while the Babylonians named it “Nabu” after their messenger god. The ancient Greeks at first thought it was two different planets, calling it “Apollo” (the sun god) when visible in the morning and “Hermes” (the messenger god) in the evening, before settling on the latter name for both. The planet’s official name comes from the name of the Roman messenger god (Latin: Mercurius), who was modeled after the Greek god Hermes. Many cultures continue to use some variation of a different traditional name for the planet, though, including: “Otaared” (Arabic), “Budha” (Sanskrit) and “Star of Water” (Chinese). Mercury is also nicknamed the “Swift Planet” because it moves so quickly around the Sun.

Description

Mercury is a size-H (small terrestrial) planet with a mean diameter of 4,878 km (3,031 miles). Its surface area is about 15% of Earth’s total, or about 50% of the Earth’s dry land. Its mass is about 5.5% of Earth’s. The planet’s differentiated interior consists of a large, molten metallic core surrounded by a mantle and crust made of silicate rock. Mercury’s core is 42% of its total volume, the highest percentage of any of the terrestrial planets (Earth’s core is 17% of its total volume). This gives Mercury more mass than other bodies of similar size, as well as providing it with a magnetosphere that provides some protection from the Sun’s radiation. Gravity on the surface is 37.8% of Earth’s, equal to Mars’ gravity and about double that of the Moon.

Mercury’s surface is heavily cratered, like our Moon, and shows no sign of recent geological activity. It has only a tenuous atmosphere, most of it having been ripped off by the strong solar wind it experiences. Because it has no appreciable atmosphere, the difference in temperatures is extreme: ranging from -190°C (-315°F) on the side facing away from the Sun to 430°C (800°F) on the sunlit side at its closest approach. Despite this swing, scientists believe there may be water ice at Mercury’s poles, hidden in craters that are deep enough that they are never exposed directly to sunlight.

On average, the Sun appears 2.5 times larger and 6 times brighter on Mercury than it does on Earth. Venus also appears much brighter in the sky than from Earth, and the Earth and its Moon are also prominent. Mercury has no natural satellites of its own.

Mercury is locked in a 3:2 spin-orbit resonance, meaning that it rotates exactly three times on its axis for every two revolutions around the Sun. The net effect of this from the perspective of someone on the planet is that a day on Mercury (176 Earth days) lasts exactly twice as long as the Mercury year (88 Earth days).

Mercury’s orbit around the Sun is the most elongated of the major planets (eccentricity 0.20563, where 0 is a perfect circle and 1 is no longer a closed loop), giving it greater extremes in its closest and furthest distances from the Sun: 0.31-0.47 AU. (An AU, or astronomical unit, is the average distance from Earth to the Sun.) Its average distance from the Sun is 0.39 AU – roughly 58 million km or 36 million miles. Its orbit is also slightly inclined (6.3°), meaning that the plane of its orbit rises a little above and dips a little below the other major planets.

Humans

To date, Mercury is the least-well studied of the major planets, in part due to its close proximity to the Sun, but that is about to change with the arrival of the MESSENGER spacecraft, which did its first fly-by in 2008 and entered orbit around the planet earlier this year (March 18, 2011). The only previous spacecraft to visit was Mariner 10, which made several close approaches in 1974-75 and mapped about half of the planet’s surface.

Despite some substantial obstacles, Mercury may prove to be one of the easiest planets to colonize in our Solar System. Initial domed cave colonies would be established at the polar regions, using technology developed for colonizing the Moon and Mars. Water would be extracted from polar ices and oxygen could be obtained from the planet’s existing, trace atmosphere and mineral deposits. Solar energy would generate ample power for heating, cooling and other needs, while the abundance of iron and other mineral resources would provide an economic base. Colonies on Mercury would be an ideal source of materials for the complicated process of terraforming Venus.

Eventually, through the use of orbiting heat shields, it may be possible to terraform the entire planet. Maintaining an atmosphere would require constant attention, but doing so would provide protection against meteor impacts. The planet’s long day and eccentric orbit would still lead to temperature extremes, though, making weather patterns harsh and life difficult outside of the polar regions.

Aliens (speculative)

The native sentient species is known as the Apolloids. Like other Mercurian life forms, they have long, low, segmented body forms (half a meter high and up to three meters long) slightly reminiscent of centipedes, but tapered so they are wider and slightly thicker near the head. The head end contains sensory organs, mouths (for feeding only) and multiple, skinny appendages that they use like fingers. They communicate entirely by sign language and lack any kind of ears, although they can detect low-frequency vibrations. They have multiple sets of eyes that see different wave lengths, and each are protected by multiple layers of radiation-proof exoskeletal “eyelids.” The multiple, dense layers of exoskeleton that cover their bodies serve multiple purposes, shielding the Apolloids from the elements while absorbing solar energy for photosynthesis.

Beneath the exoskeleton, their bodies are quite delicate and they are unable to live in higher gravity environments like Earth. They are warm blooded and insulated by a thick layer of fat. Feathery “gills” run the length of their bodies and filter oxygen and water vapor from Mercury’s thin atmosphere as needed. Multiple air bladders recycle oxygen and carbon dioxide for aerobic and photosynthetic processes. Apolloids subsist on both sunlight and other organisms, making them similar to both plants and animals on Earth. For the organic part of their diet, they raise Mercurian livestock and they grow cactus-like fungi in corkscrew-shaped pit farms. They are also quite fond of treats from Earth, especially pizza.

Apolloids are not highly advanced technologically, but they use tools and have built vast, underground cities. They have complex social behaviors and excel in visual arts like painting and sculpting. They are also fond of low-impact sports like bowling and puzzle games like Sudoku. Slapstick comedy is their highest form of entertainment. Although generally slow-moving, they are well armored and cunning and can be quite dangerous in a fight, which is why the Martians were never able to conquer them. They live about 40-50 years on average.

The polar regions of Mercury are also home to a fair number of Martian transplants.

Images courtesy of NASA, Michael Taylor and MapleStory.

Minumental

2011-04-26T06:00:00.029-04:00

Here is another uncomplishment: my wife's first contribution to Urban Dictionary...

MINUMENTAL

Definition:
The opposite of monumental. Somerthing of miniscule importance.

Example:
My morning was filled with minumental accomplishments, like tying my shoes and remembering to lift the toilet seat.

Image: Bacon-Twinky Stonehenge from This Is Why You're Fat

Look at all the planets!

2011-04-19T06:00:00.026-04:00

In my last two posts, I argued strongly that all celestial objects smaller than a brown dwarf (the smallest kind of proto-star) and larger than about 600 km in diameter (large enough for most rocky bodies to achieve hydrostatic equilibrium, or a roughly spherical shape) should be considered planets.

In the image above, I show most of the known planets in our Solar System that fit that definition, along with "demi-planets" down to 390 km, and a few fictional planets thrown in for comparison. Objects of the same size class are shown in the same color. Their diameters are shown to scale, but obviously not their distances: as large as these planets are, they are still specks in the vast emptiness of space.

To help illustrate this, the picture below shows these objects at their relative distances. (Note that Sedna is not included - its average distance from the Sun is nearly five times further than the next most distant planet known.) The vertical lines indicate diameter, but in this diagram the lines are not to scale with the distances: even the largest planets would barely be visible at this scale. Some of the lines overlap, because they are very close by astronomical terms - within a few million km of each other. Moons of larger bodies, for example, are the same distance from the Sun as the planet they orbit, so they are "stacked" in front of the main planet as variations in the line color rather than as separate lines. The Sun is shown as an orange line on the left for position reference only. If it's full diameter were shown, it would be almost 10 times greater than the largest planet (Jupiter).

So far, there are almost 60 objects in our Solar System that are believed to be over 600 km, and there may be hundreds more yet to be discovered. That may seem like a lot of planets, but if you consider that we have already identified over half a million objects that orbit our Sun, with many times that left to be discovered, it is really an elite few.

UPDATE: Here is a really good image showing the relative sizes of every known object over 400 km in our Solar System.