Monday, December 29, 2014

Twisdom 2014

Every once in a while, I tweet something that stands on its own. Sometimes it's poetic, sometimes silly and sometimes just a little observation that has a kernel of wisdom in it. Here are some of those tweets.


Genius isn't having all the answers. Genius is knowing what questions to ask in the first place.


What kind of mileage does a Transformer get?


Theory: all video game plots take place in a parallel universe of lobotomized clones.


Don't look now, but there's a ninja on your lap...


This Mickey Mouse cartoon about a trip to the moon is really doing a piss-poor job of teaching my 2-year-old about astrophysics. 


Don't upset the apple cart as it plunges over the cliff.


My wife and my boss just joined Twitter. Welcome aboard! And remember this advice: if you can't express something in 140 characters or less,


You call it ADD. I call it accelerated mental task switching.


No one has killed me yet. Therefore I cannot be killed. #logic


Was asked by a ~10 year old boy this morning: "Can zombies swim?" My answer: "No, but the fresh ones float."


I'm pretty sure the reason my two-year-old cries and screams so much is because he hasn't yet learned how to swear properly.


Million-dollar idea: a watch you wear on your finger like a ring, instead of on your wrist like a bracelet.


It is my strong desire to see Breaking Bad resume 15-20 years from now with Holly White picking up where her father left off.


My ideal bromance: get drunk and discuss the cinematography of car chase scenes.


Happy July! I moved my snow scraper from my back seat to the trunk today. #Michigan


Athcab stromatolites halibut bitches.


I just time traveled.  I oscillated back and forth between "here" and a memory. "Here" won, as it always does, but that was fun.


How to watch sci-fi movies: pretend they were all made in the 1950s on a shoestring budget and be amazed.


My son just said to me: "One time I farted so hard, I cried." #proudpapa


Definition of old age: singing along to a song you've always hated just because you finally found something on the radio you recognize.


Definition of old age: singing along to a song you've always hated just because you finally found something on the radio you recognize.


Does anyone else think that dried flowers are creepy? They should call them "mummy flowers."


I'm practically blind without my glasses. Then again, maybe that's what the world really looks like, and "clarity" is just an illusion.


Show me something that doesn't go with bacon and I'll show you something that isn't worth eating in the first place.


I just hope when A.I. takes over the world, it will at least humor us enough to create bad-ass robots with which to subjugate us.


Scrambles eggs are eggs for people who don't appreciate eggs.


There are two kinds of people in this world: assholes and me.


Bonus Retweets:


@JMSchrader
The plural of "singlehandedly" is "singlehand-in-handedly"


@CommuterJoe
What I need is a giant, oversized bumper so I can just bumper-car other vehicles right the fuck out of my way.

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