Sunday, March 23, 2014

Odds of death

After a careful analysis of my risk factors, I now have a comprehensive actuarial assessment of my likely means of leaving this world. In the interest of the common good, I have listed them here. Your odds may differ from mine.

Odds – Cause
30% – Cardiovascular disease
30% – Infectious disease
11% – Cancer
10% – Digestive disease
6.0% – Respiratory disease
4.0% – Other non-communicable disease
2.0% – Alzheimer's and other neuro-mental illness
1.5% – Automobile accident
1.0% – Homicide
0.8% – Drowning
0.8% – Falling
0.7% – Fire or smoke
0.4% – Extreme weather
0.4% – Poison or venom
0.4% – Suicide
0.1% – Bear attack
0.1% – Drugs or alcohol
0.1% – Electrocution
0.1% – Nuclear holocaust
0.1% – Sports
0.05% – Domesticated animal attack
0.05% – Lightning
0.05% – Nanobot malfunction
0.05% – Pirate attack
0.05% – Robot uprising
0.05% – Terrorist attack
0.05% – War
0.03% – Alien invasion
0.01% – Bad juju
0.01% – Bionic hardware malfunction
0.01% – Circus animal and/or clown attack
0.01% – Earthquake
0.01% – Excessive leeching and/or bloodletting
0.01% – Frozen in the vacuum of outer space
0.01% – Trampled by farm animals
0.01% – Zombie apocalypse
0.005% – Alien parasite or fungus
0.005% – Killer bee attack
0.005% – Murdered by a renegade theme park robot
0.005% – Shark attack
0.001% – Aircraft accident
0.001% – Alligator or crocodile attack
0.001% – Catapult malfunction
0.001% – Dehydration
0.001% – Devoured by Cthulhu or another reawakened, ancient evil entity
0.001% – Dinosaur attack
0.001% – Eaten by cannibals (professional or amateur)
0.001% – Human pyramid collapse
0.001% – Kaiju attack
0.001% – Kangaroo or wallaby attack
0.001% – Landmine
0.001% – Laughing
0.001% – Mutated by radioactive waste, then killed by an angry mob
0.001% – Sinkhole
0.001% – Snake attack (2:1 odds it's an anaconda)
0.001% – Teleportation accident*
0.001% – Time-travel paradox
0.001% – Volcano
0.001% – Other wild animal or carnivorous plant attack
0.001% – All other possible causes**

* Note: does not include cases of successful teleportation, which technically could entail the destruction of my current body and assembly of a completely new body, depending on the type of teleportation.

** Note: this includes the possibility that I will, in fact, not die. Currently, my odds of escaping death due to the Rapture, for example, are 0.00000000000000000000006%

1 comment:

  1. P.S. -- Just generated a random number and checked it against the chart. Looks like it's electrocution for me.

    ReplyDelete