Sunday, January 26, 2014

Ultimate fighting weight classes - for everyone!

My son is a big fan of boxing. And, being my son, his fandom includes absorbing every piece of information possible. Recently, I admitted that I had no idea what a "welterweight" was, and he began explaining the weight class system to me in detail. For the record, here are the core, traditional weight classes in professional boxing:

Maximum Weight – Boxing Weight Class
Up to 112 lbs. – Flyweight
Up to 118 lbs. – Bantamweight
Up to 126 lbs. – Featherweight
Up to 135 lbs. – Lightweight
Up to 147 lbs. – Welterweight
Up to 160 lbs. – Middleweight
Up to 175 lbs. – Light Heavyweight
Unlimited – Heavyweight

Being me, of course, I did some more research on my own and found that there were many more sports with weight classes – everything from judo to kick boxing, and from Greco-Roman wrestling to sumo wrestling. Mixed martial arts (MMA), also known as "ultimate fighting," is the hot fighting sport right now, and it has its own weight classes based on the traditional boxing classes, but simplified and updated to be more in line with the weights of today's fighters:

Maximum Weight – MMA Weight Class
Up to 125 lbs. – Flyweight
Up to 135 lbs. – Bantamweight
Up to 145 lbs. – Featherweight
Up to 155 lbs. – Lightweight
Up to 170 lbs. – Welterweight
Up to 185 lbs. – Middleweight
Up to 205 lbs. – Light Heavyweight
Up to 265 lbs. – Heavyweight
Unlimited – Super Heavyweight

However, after thinking about it, I realized that even the updated MMA weight classes still left an awful lot of fighters without a proper weight class of their own. Specifically, the MMA weight classes assume the combatants are all normal humans. The is the 21st century, though: is that really an assumption we're willing to make?

So I present to you an updated system of "Ultimate Fighting" weight classes, designed to cover everyone – human or otherwise!

Maximum Weight – Ultimate Fighting Weight Class
Up to 1 lb. – Pennyweight
Up to 5 lbs. – Teacupweight
Up to 10 lbs. – Toyweight
Up to 15 lbs. – Super Toyweight
Up to 20 lbs. – Paperweight
Up to 25 lbs. – Super Paperweight
Up to 30 lbs. – Zephyrweight
Up to 35 lbs. – Super Zephyrweight
Up to 40 lbs. – Boosterweight
Up to 45 lbs. – Super Boosterweight
Up to 50 lbs. – Pixieweight
Up to 55 lbs. – Super Pixieweight
Up to 65 lbs. – Mosquitoweight
Up to 75 lbs. – Miteweight
Up to 85 lbs. – Squirtweight
Up to 95 lbs. – Peeweeweight
Up to 105 lbs. – Atomweight
Up to 115 lbs. – Strawweight
Up to 125 lbs. – Flyweight
Up to 135 lbs. – Bantamweight
Up to 145 lbs. – Featherweight
Up to 155 lbs. – Lightweight
Up to 170 lbs. – Welterweight
Up to 185 lbs. – Middleweight
Up to 205 lbs. – Light Heavyweight
Up to 230 lbs. – Cruiserweight
Up to 265 lbs. – Heavyweight
Up to 350 lbs. – Super Heavyweight
Up to 500 lbs. – Sumoweight
Up to 750 lbs. – Super Sumoweight
Up to 1,250 lbs. – Hulkweight
Up to 2,000 lbs. (1 ton) – Super Hulkweight (the largest ever known moose was 1,800 lbs.)
Up to 1.5 tons – Giantweight
Up to 2.5 tons – Super Giantweight
Up to 4 tons – Kongweight
Up to 6.25 tons – Super Kongweight
Up to 10 tons – Mammothweight (Tyrannosaurus rex weighed up to 7.9 tons)
Up to 15 tons – Super Mammothweight (the largest known African elephant was 11 tons)
Up to 25 tons – Titanweight (Diplodocus longus, up to 17.6 tons)
Up to 40 tons – Super Titanweight (Giraffatitan brancai, up to 37 tons)
Up to 62.5 tons – Thunderweight (Brachiosaurus altithorax, up to 62 tons)
Up to 100 tons – Super Thunderweight (Dreadnoughtus schrani, 65 tons)
Up to 150 tons – Megaweight (megalodon, up to 114 tons)
Up to 250 tons – Super Megaweight (blue whale, up to 200 tons)
Up to 400 tons – Colossalweight
Up to 625 tons – Super Colossalweight
Up to 1,000 tons – Monsterweight
Up to 1,500 tons – Super Monsterweight
Up to 2,500 tons – Behemothweight
Up to 4,000 tons – Super Behemothweight
Up to 6,250 tons – Gargantuanweight
Up to 10,000 tons – Super Gargantuanweight
Up to 15,000 tons – Light Kaijuweight
Up to 25,000 tons – Kaijuweight
Up to 40,000 tons – Super Kaijuweight
Unlimited – Ultimate Kaijuweight

Finally, for the record, I am not fat – I am just fighting as a Super Heavyweight right now...


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