Way out of the office

If you email me while I’m out of the office, you’ll usually get a bland, functional reply:

I am out of the office on business. I will be checking messages, but may not be able to respond immediately. I will return (date) and will respond to your message at that time. If you need immediate assistance, please contact (alternate contact) at (alternate contact’s email address), or call me on my mobile phone at (number).

Best Regards,
(my name, fancy title and contact information)

Yuck. How drab. As a marketing person, I think I can do better. Here are three new out of office messages I am thinking of trying out…

1. Anachronistic:

Thank you for your too kind message. I assure you that it breaks my heart not to be able to respond right now, as I am away. Please have patience and strength as you await my reply, unfortunately delayed. I will return to the office two days hence and will be overjoyed to converse with you by electronic mail at that time.

Your Humble Servant,
Rico Detroit

2. Bacchanalian:

Thank you for your email. Unfortunately, I am on a corporate boondoggle and not in the office right now. I am not checking email this week, just living large on the company dime. (Carpe diem!) I’ll be back in the office on (date), but to be honest it will probably be such a bummer to be back that I won’t feel like catching up on email, and I’ll probably just “recycle” my entire inbox. (Oops!) Why don’t you hold onto your thought and email me again in a few weeks, once I’ve sobered up. If they haven’t fired me by then, I promise I’ll think about emailing you back.

Go Saints!
Rico Detroit

3. Cheeky:

I am not in the office right now. I will return on (date) and will answer my emails in order of priority at that time. To help me do this, I am using automatic prioritization software. For example, use of the following terms will increase your email’s priority: beer, football, naked, taco, Vegas and Xbox. On the other hand, use of the following terms will lower it: efficiency, meeting, optimize, romantic comedy, return on investment and team-building. The program’s algorithm will also raise your priority if you sound “hot,” but lower it drastically if you’re an asshat. (I don’t know how it knows, but it knows.) If I take longer than a week to respond, assume the latter.

Blessings,
Rico Detroit