One step forward, 23 steps back (re-post)

This Sunday we set our clocks ahead one hour for Daylight Savings Time, effectively robbing us of one hour of sleep. In many ways, it is the darkest day of the year.

But it doesn't have to be like that! As I explained last year, there is a better way...

You can't meddle with the mettle of a metal medal

Final results for the Vancouver Winter Olympics are in. The United States finished first overall with 37 medals, while host Canada took home the most gold with 14. Congratulations to Canada for a great Olympics, and especially for a thrilling finish to the last event: an overtime win over the Americans for the gold in men's hockey.

Out of curiosity, I wondered what the picture would look like if the Summer and Winter Games were held simultaneously. Below are the combined totals for the 2008 Beijing and 2010 Vancouver Olympics. I sorted the results by "weighted" total, which was calculated as follows: three points for a gold medal, two points for silver and one point for bronze.

I consider this to be definitive proof that the United States is the best country for international sports. And that despite the fact that international sports take a backseat in the U.S. to a bunch of games that aren't even included in the Olympics, like American (i.e., real) football and NASCAR.

China deserves kudos for the most gold medals, of course. (Although I should point out that a fair number of those medals came from sports like badminton and table tennis. The advantage this gives them is similar to what Americans would experience if bowling and Donkey Kong were to become Olympic sports.)

Per capita over-achiever Norway also deserves a shout-out, with a top-ten finish despite less than five million inhabitants.

Hands-down, the worst country for international sports is India. Despite a population over a billion (nearly as many people as China, more than 3.7 times the population of the U.S., and more than 240 times that of Norway), India finished the past four years with only three medals: one gold and two bronze.

Country Gold Silver Bronze Total Weighted

United States 45 53 49 147 290

China 56 23 32 111 246

Russia 26 26 35 87 165

Germany 26 23 22 71 146

Great Britain 20 13 15 48 101

Australia 16 16 17 49 97

Canada 17 16 11 44 94

France 9 19 23 51 88

Norway 12 13 8 33 70

South Korea 13 10 8 31 67

Italy 9 11 13 33 62

Kenya 11 11 6 28 61

Japan 9 9 12 30 57

Netherlands 11 6 7 24 52

Ukraine 7 5 15 27 46

Cuba 2 11 11 24 39

Belarus 5 6 11 22 38

Spain 5 10 3 18 38

Austria 4 7 8 19 34

Poland 4 9 3 16 33

Sweden 5 6 5 16 32

Switzerland 8 0 7 15 31

Jamaica 6 3 2 11 26

Brazil 3 4 8 15 25

Czech Republic 5 3 4 12 25

Kazakhstan 2 5 7 14 23

Hungary 3 5 2 10 21

Slovakia 4 3 2 9 20

Romania 4 1 3 8 17

New Zealand 3 1 5 9 16

Ethiopia 4 1 2 7 16

Slovenia 1 4 3 8 14

Turkey 1 4 3 8 14

Finland 1 2 6 9 13

Denmark 2 2 3 7 13

Croatia 0 4 4 8 12

Georgia 3 0 3 6 12

Azerbaijan 1 2 4 7 11

North Korea 2 1 3 6 11

Argentina 2 0 4 6 10

Uzbekistan 1 2 3 6 10

Latvia 1 3 1 5 10

Mongolia 2 2 0 4 10

Thailand 2 2 0 4 10

Zimbabwe 1 3 0 4 9

Bulgaria 1 1 3 5 8

Indonesia 1 1 3 5 8

Lithuania 0 2 3 5 7

Mexico 2 0 1 3 7

Estonia 1 2 0 3 7

Armenia 0 0 6 6 6

Greece 0 2 2 4 6

Nigeria 0 1 3 4 5

India 1 0 2 3 5

Belgium 1 1 0 2 5

Dominican Republic 1 1 0 2 5

Portugal 1 1 0 2 5

Taiwan 0 0 4 4 4

Ireland 0 1 2 3 4

Serbia 0 1 2 3 4

Iran 1 0 1 2 4

Trinidad and Tobago 0 2 0 2 4

Algeria 0 1 1 2 3

Bahamas 0 1 1 2 3

Colombia 0 1 1 2 3

Kyrgyzstan 0 1 1 2 3

Morocco 0 1 1 2 3

Tajikistan 0 1 1 2 3

Bahrain 1 0 0 1 3

Cameroon 1 0 0 1 3

Panama 1 0 0 1 3

Tunisia 1 0 0 1 3

Chile 0 1 0 1 2

Ecuador 0 1 0 1 2

Iceland 0 1 0 1 2

Malaysia 0 1 0 1 2

Singapore 0 1 0 1 2

South Africa 0 1 0 1 2

Sudan 0 1 0 1 2

Vietnam 0 1 0 1 2

Afghanistan 0 0 1 1 1

Egypt 0 0 1 1 1

Israel 0 0 1 1 1

Mauritius 0 0 1 1 1

Moldova 0 0 1 1 1

Togo 0 0 1 1 1

Venezuela 0 0 1 1 1

Twoetry Two

I tweet.

Every once in a while, I tweet something that I find entertaining. Sometimes it's something poetic, sometimes something silly and sometimes just a little observation that I feel has a kernel of wisdom in it.

So just in case you missed them the first time around, these are the ones I feel stand on their own.

traff*c

Kapow! How ya like me now? Diggin' up rhymes like I was pullin' a plow!

plastic grocery bag = urban tumbleweed

I thought rain was supposed to melt zombies? No, damn, that's witches.

The Magic 8 Ball never lies. Sometimes we just don't understand how it has interpreted the question.

duh = no duh

pepper is the new salt

what part of the pork is a chop? do people have chops?

new favorite word: "nerfzooka"

My God / How is it I remember / His hat, too big, flopped across my head / Watching zebras in the rain

my side of the street is not getting any taco love

feel like I've slipped out of the time stream and into a narrative prose

silver is kinda like gray, but shiny

you don't realize how many things you do with your thumb until you get a big cut on your thumb

you don't realize how many things you do with your thumb until you cut off your thumb

music is what numbers feel like

when did we start looking for opportunities to queue?

my best email response today: "I would like to be moved to the CC line of this conversation"

The bowl is half-empty

Congratulations to the Alabama Crimson Tide, winner of last night's so-called "National Championship Bowl" and holder of this year's mythical NCAA football crown. I say "mythical" because, while I believe they have a good claim to the title, for some reason we still don't have a true playoff system to definitively settle the matter. (Mr. President... ahem... I believe this was one of your campaign promises...)

Boise State finished the season undefeated with an impressive-looking victory over also-undefeated TCU. And season-long-favorites Florida looked like #1 crushing an undefeated Cincinnati. Either of those teams has a legitimate right to demand an asterisk.

But I'd like to imagine a world in which we had been treated to a month of playoff-level excitement. A world where we had gotten to see 16 of the season's top-ranked college football teams battle for the ultimate, indisputable title.

Here is what it might have looked like. I have bracketed and seeded the teams according to their final regular-season BCS rankings, with some consideration given to tradition (e.g., Pac 10 and Big Ten champions in the Rose Bowl bracket) and geography. I also used the rule of no more than one team per conference in any given bracket.

Rose Bowl Bracket

1st seed TCU (12-0, Mountain West) vs. 4th seed Miami (9-3, ACC) -- winner: TCU

2nd seed Oregon (10-2, Pac-10) vs. 3rd seed Ohio State (10-2, Big Ten) -- winner: Ohio State

Rose Bowl: Ohio State over TCU. The Buckeyes looked great in their real-world Rose Bowl victory over the Ducks, while the Horned Frogs looked dismal in their real-world Fiesta Bowl loss. I expect a match-up between the two would have produced similar results.

Fiesta Bowl Bracket

1st seed Texas (13-0, Big 12) vs. 4th seed BYU (10-2, Mountain West) -- winner: Texas

2nd seed Boise State (13-0, WAC) vs. 3rd seed LSU (9-3, SEC) -- winner: Boise State

Fiesta Bowl: Texas over Boise State. I think the Broncos would have played admirably and kept it a lot closer than most people think, but I have to believe the Longhorns would prevail in the end.

Sugar Bowl Bracket

1st seed Alabama (13-0, SEC) vs. 4th seed West Virginia (9-3, Big East) -- winner: Alabama

2nd seed Georgia Tech (11-2, ACC) vs. 3rd seed Iowa (10-2, Big Ten) -- winner: Iowa

Sugar Bowl: Alabama over Iowa. The Hawkeyes looked solid in their real-world Orange Bowl victory over the Yellow Jackets, but the Crimson Tide would have probably poked holes in them.

Orange Bowl Bracket

1st seed Cincinnati (12-0, Big East) vs. 4th seed Penn State (10-2, Big Ten) -- winner: Penn State

2nd seed Florida (12-1, SEC) vs. 3rd seed Virginia Tech (9-3, ACC) -- winner: Florida

Orange Bowl: Florida over Penn State. Cincinnati looked overwhelmed against Florida. Joe Pa's leadership could have lead the Nittany Lions to an upset victory over the Bearcats, but they would have looked just as overwhelmed against the Gators.

Final Four

Eastern Semifinal: Alabama over Florida. The Crimson Tide won the teams' first match-up in the SEC championship game, and while they might not be so lucky in a rematch, that victory was decisive enough for me to give them the nod over the Gators.

Western Semifinal: Texas over Ohio State. The Longhorns are clearly the better team, but if the up-and-down Buckeyes were firing on all cylinders, they could make it interesting.

National Championship Bowl: Well, we all know the answer to this one. Or do we? If we had actually gotten to see this play out, I wouldn't have been surprised in the least to see a Cinderella Ohio State team battling the mighty Gators in the big game. And who knows, just maybe there's a reason the major conference schools all seem to be scared to play Boise State. Sadly, for this season at least, we'll never know.

James Cameron jumps the (glowing, blue, four-eyed) shark

I saw James Cameron's Avatar yesterday, and it was a huge disappointment. I certainly didn't expect it to be able to live up to the over-the-top, "best-thing-since-Star Wars" hype, but I also didn't expect it to suck as thoroughly as it did. Fail, fail, fail.

I would give it three stars *** (worthwhile), but only barely. Once the novelty wears off, I'll drop it to two stars ** (tolerable). In any case, I would recommend waiting for video. ("But wait," you say, "don't I need to see it in 3D?" You don't need to see anything in 3D!)

On the plus side, the special effects were good and some of the action scenes were very well done. I like Sam Worthington as an actor, too, and he did a good job in this movie despite the thin script.

The CGI was good - better than anything previous - but it's not the tremendous leap forward that it was hyped to be. At the end of the day, it still looks like a glorified video game. The motion capture thing has been done before, and I thought Who Framed Roger Rabbit was a bigger technical leap forward in marrying live action and animation.

Maybe I would feel different if the story were worth watching, but that is where this movie really falls apart. Here are my complaints (SPOILERS!):

• Have you seen Dances with Wolves and Braveheart? Then you're familiar with this plot. Have you seen any of Cameron's previous movies? Then you've heard this dialogue. Cameron recycled so much of Aliens that he should sue himself for copyright infringement: space marines, an evil all-powerful corporation represented by a sleazy corporate executive, mechanical robot suits... he even used Sigourney Weaver! That familiarity alone wouldn't necessarily be such a bad thing, but Cameron's style is so heavy-handed and clichéd that it was painful.
  
• The physiology of the main alien species, the Na'vi, is completely incompatible with that of the rest of the fauna on Pandora. All of the other alien species have six legs, four eyes, feathery antennae and no hair. The Na'vi have bodies that look like ours. Sure, that makes them more personable, but it also makes them look out of place.


• All of the animal species on Pandora look and behave like glowing blue, six-legged versions of Earth species. There are Pandoran dogs and horses and pterodactyls and jungle cats. I saw a great 2005 Discovery Channel special called Alien Planet that had more interesting life forms. If the Discovery Channel could do something like that on a shoestring, why couldn't Cameron do the same with his billion-dollar production budget? Also, with only a few exceptions, the plants and trees look like Earth plants and trees.


• Unobtainium? Please.


• The Na'vi physically bond with animals on Pandora using biological, fiber optic-like tentacles that emerge from the end of their ponytails. Wait... what? I can't believe I just typed that.


• In the movie's most dramatic moment, the humans destroy the giant tree where the Na'vi live. The allusion to the 9-11 attack on the Twin Towers was not appreciated, especially since Cameron has Americans committing this act of horror. In scene after scene, he depicts the vast majority of these humans as insensitive and eager to spill Na'vi blood. I not only found this unbelievable, I also found it despicable. Shame on you, James Cameron.


• There was a lot of pointless potty talk. My seven-year-old would have really liked a lot of things in this movie, but there's no way I'll let him watch it until he's older. There's no reason Cameron couldn't have made this movie more family-friendly. And to be honest, it would have worked much better that way: if you have a ridiculous and cliché-filled plot, why not add a touch of wonder and whimsy, so those deficiencies aren't so glaring?

So here is my movie review quote (for the back of the Blu-ray packaging): "best-thing-since-Star Wars... I would recommend... very well done... technical leap forward... unbelievable."

And here is the Crazy People quote: "A huge disappointment... fail, fail fail... heavy-handed and clichéd... painful... despicable... shame on you, James Cameron."

Merry Alien Robot Zombie Christmas 2009

My mom is an artist, and one of her hobbies is hand-making Christmas cards. Her usual style is sweet and sentimental and filled with holiday joy. However, this year I managed to convince her to make something a little more... um... "alien robot zombies" for me. This is the result.

After we put our heads together to come up with the basic concept, my mom created the stencil for Pirate Santa. After painting each one individually, the present, ribbon, eye patch and buttons were all glued on by hand. A little holiday glitter, some matting, and presto: instant classic. The present's "wrapping paper" was made by cutting up a map, and various different background textures were used for the matting, making each card unique.

I think my mom enjoyed the break from angels and snowmen. I hope so, at least, because I already have a concept in mind for next year's cards...

Detail:

Random top 10 list: hottest Hollywood actresses

On a recent flight, instead of the usual Delta Airlines travel magazine, my seatback held a copy of Rolling Stone. Inside were articles about two incredibly hott (yes, that's how the kidz spell it these dayz) actresses: Megan Fox and Scarlett Johansson. That got me thinking, and so without further ado, here is a list of the hottest actresses in movies today.

#1. Megan Fox

Arguably not the best actress of the bunch, but that's not really the name of this random top ten list, is it? I'll take her any day in my giant transforming robot movies. photos

#2. Scarlett Johansson

Her performance in Lost In Translation was both sexy and sublime. After that soft, vulnerable performance, it will be interesting to see her as an action star in next year's Iron Man 2. photos

#3. Zoe Saldana

As versatile as she is beautiful. She was a standout in this year's Star Trek reboot, and is scheduled to make another splash as a CGI blue, feline alien (um, if that's your thing) in James Cameron's Avatar, opening December 18. photos

#4. Natalie Portman

She made the Star Wars prequel trilogy worth watching. photos

#5. Keira Knightly

Johnny Depp wasn't the only star worth watching in The Pirates Of The Caribbean trilogy. photos

#6. Gabrielle Union

Yes, bring it on indeed. photos

#7. Jessica Alba

Those Fantastic Four movies were awful, yes, but not as much when the "Invisible Woman" was visible. photos

#8. Angelina Jolie

She kind of scares me, but damn. photos

#9. Moon Bloodgood

Completely wasted in Terminator Salvation. photos

#10. Olivia Wilde

Maxim magazine put her on the cover of its "Hot 100" issue. 'Nuf said. photos

Honorable mention: Kate Beckinsale

My son saw her on the cover of a magazine recently and has developed his first Hollywood crush. (Mine was the cast of Charlie's Angels.) photos

Honorable mention: Jennifer Aniston

Friends was so last decade, so what is this actress still doing looking so amazing? Now if only she'd make a movie men wouldn't mind watching. (Something with a car chase or an explosion, please.) photos

For the record, it was hard to keep this list to ten (plus my customary two honorable mentions). If I did this list again tomorrow, maybe only the top three would be guaranteed to be on it again. (Top four if my girlfriend ever makes a movie.) By definition, "Hollywood actress" = "hott."