Mutants must die: X3 retcon

I've written before in this space about how disappointing the third X-Men movie was after the epic brilliance of the first two. Recently X2 screenwriter Michael Dougherty, who did not work on X3, explained what he would have done differently. His vision is certainly preferable to the horrible mess that was X3. However, I have my own take on how the movie franchise should have progressed...

First of all, I don't think the Phoenix should have been the subject of X3 at all. The movie should have included some teasers that ultimately set up her return in X4. Meanwhile, X3 could have been about everyone coping with Jean Gray's loss and trying to make sense of it all. That kind of human drama worked well in the first two movies, and this would have been a nice twist to the basic formula for X3.

I like the idea of Cyclops' grief driving his obsession to make the team stronger, and watching him become the hard-ass perfectionist that he is in the comics. I also think Wolverine could have gone to a very dark place, questioning his place with the team and his respect for life. Despite squabbling and inner torment, the team emerges stronger at the end to overcome a new, more direct and deadly threat. Let Magneto take a rest, incapacitate Professor X for a while, and let the X-Men open up some real firepower at the end. Also, resist the urge to incorporate too many new mutants: there are enough aspects still to explore in the ones we've already met.

All of that sets them up for the even bigger threat of the Phoenix in X4. In that movie, the X-Men are at the top of their game but still unable to defeat Jean Gray, who has returned mysteriously from her apparent death at the end of X2. Now she exhibits almost god-like powers, but also a dark side to her personality that is spiraling out of control. The whole movie is about her struggle to maintain her humanity in the face of unlimited power. At the end of X4, the gentler side of Jean's personality has almost completely been lost and the "Dark Phoenix" side is in control. Finally, in a moment of clarity she realizes what she has become and has a glimpse of what the unbridled power and rage inside of her will cause her to do (basically, kill all non-mutants). She then destroys herself to save mankind.

And she stays dead. (At least until X10!)

X5 has the entire world mad at mutants and the X-Men, blaming them for the things Phoenix did. The government is considering legislation to aggressively go after mutants, while the evil mutant brotherhood returns - now led by Mystique - with a crazy plan to attack the Pentagon or something. Hello, Terminator-esque "Days of Future Past" saga - and a major role for Kitty Pride.

P.S. - I also would have killed the "X-Men Origins" Wolverine movie and instead based a solo Wolverine movie on the original Chris Claremont / Frank Miller miniseries. It had ninjas.

A splendifery of alien robot zombies

Everyone knows that a group of geese is a gaggle and a group of lions is a pride, but what about a group of dragons or pixies or vampires? Well, the folks over at Wondermark have taken all of the guesswork out with the "Stoakes-Whibley Natural Index of Supernatural Collective Nouns." According to the index, it is:

• A pension of aliens
• A jake of Jedi
• A cackle of mad scientists
• A clangor of robots
• A flurry of yeti
• A vexation of zombies

There are many, many more. These are very clever and some are downright hilarious ("a lawn of gnomes"). For the full list, see: http://wondermark.com/566/

Zombie apocalypse roundup

As I mentioned last week, the zombie apocalypse has already begun. Two new quizzes on Facebook will help you understand what impact it will have on you:

The first is titled How long will you survive when zombies over run the world? My result: "1 Year. You have survived for 1 year. You are one of the 100 people still living in the world. You are somewhat of a legend. You then die by walking over your own land mine."

The second is What would be your speciality in a zombie apocalypse? My result: "Support Specialist. Weapons of choice: Combat Shotgun, Double-barreled Hunting Shotgun, Grenades, RPG. You're best around close quarters. The team relies on you for backup and to wipe out large groups of zombies. You'll help the team push forward when you're surrounded. When there's tough enemies on the path, you'll be ready to clear them out and keep moving. Even if the zombies outnumber your squad, you still even out the odds."

Good luck to all of you.

On a related note, there's an entertaining/educational zombie article today at Cracked.com: How 7 Iconic Movie Characters Would Do In a Zombie Attack.

Thoughts from the day my son was born

As my son has yet another birthday, I can't help but feel nostalgic: boy they grow up fast! I wrote this note to his mother on the day he was born. I ran across it recently, so I decided to post it here verbatim. A lot has changed since then, of course. But it seems like every year somehow gets better than the last, so as much as I sometimes want to freeze him, I wouldn't go back if I could. Still, I can clearly remember how it felt to be a brand new parent, "all potential and promise," with the entire experience still before me. It was the moment I realized that I could and would be a good dad, and that I was going to do my best to enjoy every moment watching my son grow up. I hope those of you who have kids of your own can relate...

Our son

Look at our son, so tiny, so beautiful. Feel the soft skin of his cheeks. Hold his little hands in yours. Listen as he breathes what are still his first breaths. He is a perfect, unbelievable, amazing baby boy.

But he is so much more than just that. It is hard to tell right now, but look at him again. Can you see the rest? You have to look hard. The details are fuzzy to be sure, and you can only just catch glimpses, but it’s all there.

He has already learned to hold up his head, to crawl, to walk, to run. He has amazed us with his first words, and even more with every word since. He has learned how to shoot a basketball, how to fix a toilet, how to comfort a friend.

Can you see the look of wonder on his face as he sees his first firefly? Can you hear him describe the thrill of his first roller coaster ride? Weren’t those first few Christmases great? Don’t you wish he was still young enough to trick-or-treat?

He has already been to his first day of school. He has learned which subjects he likes and which he finds challenging. He has graduated. He has gone away to college and he has found his first real job, and quit, and found another, and still wondered what he really wants to do.

He has fallen in love. He has had his heart broken. He has fallen in love again.

I can see him years from now, looking at a photograph of himself as a baby in his mother’s arms. He can’t believe that tiny creature was ever him. Neither can I, even as I stand here and see it for myself. A baby in his mother’s arms.

And as I look real close, I again see so much more. Not just a young mother clutching her newborn infant, but a strong woman who has weathered the storms and the sunshine of her child’s youth. She has cared for him when he could not care for himself. She has fought with him and fought for him. She has taught him and she has learned from him. She has second-guessed herself and worried and struggled, but she has also felt more joy than she ever knew existed. And love. And pride.

Look again at our son. He has already wrapped his arms around you thousands of times and said, “I love you, Mom.” And your heart has leapt each time. But for now, just for now, while he is all potential and promise, you still get to live every one of those times for the first time.

And come what may, he will always be your perfect, unbelievable, amazing baby boy.

In the news: cover-up round-up

Apparently, some significant developments occurred while I was lost in a corn maze last week...

Tipped off about an imminent zombie attack, the University of Florida responded by implementing a comprehensive zombie invasion disaster plan. The plan was briefly posted to the university's website, but immediately removed as part of a government cover-up.

The U.S. government declared war on the moon. NASA immediately issued an unlikely cover-up story about searching for water on the moon.

A cow was abducted by a flying saucer in Argentina in broad daylight. With a subsequent scientific analysis proving that a cow was indeed abducted by aliens, a cover-up story will surely be forthcoming...

Welcome to the zombie apocalypse

If you were not already aware of it, today is World Zombie Day 2009. And it is on this day that I, one of the planet's leading zombie watchdogs, must admit defeat.

You see, I am reasonably certain that the zombie apocalypse has already come and gone - the mutant zombie overlords are already in control, and somehow I missed the whole thing.

I say this because everywhere I turn I see zombies: people whose lethargic, apathetic demeanor leaves little doubt that they have lost all capacity for human emotion or motivation. The world around me has become a shuffling collection of beings with no apparent dreams or desires, no purpose in life but to slowly melt and devour my brain.

I notice it especially when I am driving. Detroit used to be the Motor City - a place where the goal of everyone on the road was to go as fast as possible, and where we had developed a cooperative system to do just that. We worked together to ensure that everyone got where they were going with as little to interrupt their progress as possible. People would change lanes to allow cars to merge onto the freeway, or to allow faster cars to pass.

Now I see people regularly driving ten under in the fast lane with no acknowledgment of the chaos accumulating in their wake. I see them straddling the line between lanes, either unable to decide which they prefer or all together oblivious to the concept of lanes to begin with. And I see them blowing through yield signs or changing lanes blindly with the express intent to kill me.

I don't think I'm being paranoid here. Other examples abound. At Kohl's a few days ago, I saw a free shopping cart and asked a group of women standing near it if it belonged to one of them. I said this in a friendly tone and with a smile on my face, but my inquiry was met with silence. They just stared at me with cold, dead, unfeeling eyes.

At the ice arena the other day, a boy walking by accidentally hit me in the head with his hockey stick. When his stick met resistance, he turned and stared at me with a blank expression. "Oops!" I said, laughing to put him at ease, "Be careful there!" he just stood there and stared at me, as did the adults with him, then they turned silently and left, no apology or empathy to be found in the bunch.

Those blank expressions are becoming commonplace everywhere: work, restaurants, even on the streets of my neighborhood. When I pass people, I always smile and make eye contact. Increasingly, no one smiles back. Zombies. When I hold the door open behind me for the next fellow, no one ever reaches out to grab it or says "thank you" - they just walk right by. Zombies. When I try to track down some frustratingly elusive piece of information at work, my coworkers just shrug and put their heads back down. Zombies. I used to have intelligent conversations with people about important topics, but now all anyone can do is repeat back to me the latest nonsensical rantings of Glenn Beck or Keith Olbermann. Zombies.

I don't know how many other survivors there are, but if you're still out there stay strong! We non-zombies may be in the minority now, but we're people too. In time, we may find a way to survive under our zombie overlords, and maybe - just maybe - turn the tides once more.

There are others like you still out there, so don't give up hope! Keep dreaming, keep caring and be on the lookout for other survivors. We'll be the ones smiling, using our turn signals, and not trying to eat your brains.

Octobeard! Will you accept the challenge?

With October nearly here, I am issuing a challenge to every man among us. October is a man’s month if ever there was one: a month for men with a little hair on their chests and a little dirt under their fingernails. Still warm enough to barbecue, but cold enough to wear flannel while you do it. Time to bring in the harvest, fix up the house and go buy a hunting license. And there are more spectator sports than you can shake a beer can at: the World Series, NASCAR’s homestretch, compelling NFL and college football, and the beginning of the NBA and NHL seasons.

With all of that in mind, it’s time for the real men to stand up and show what they’re made of. It’s time to cowboy up and get back in touch with our primal roots. Let’s order our steaks rare. Let’s fix something with power tools.

And most importantly, let’s grow beards.

Yes, that’s right, it’s time for men to prove they’re men in the one indisputable way they can: by doing nothing and letting nature make the case for them.

It doesn’t take any particular skill to grow a beard – just a Y chromosome and the willingness to embrace your inner caveman.

As an added benefit, your face will thank you as the weather gets cooler. By the time you’re in that deer blind in mid-November, you’ll have a built-in scarf keeping you warm.

Personally, I plan to carve my beard into mutton chops at the end of October. Just think of the possibilities for Halloween: fat Elvis, Civil War general, Wolverine, you name it.

I have thrown down the gauntlet: are you man enough to accept the challenge? Grow a beard or watch October pass you by.

It’s just one month. One month to prove once and for all you’re a man. What have you got to lose?

(Join the movement on Facebook here. Learn more about beards here.)